why.........

why did I take his calls?
why did  I speak kindly to him?
why does he still turn me on so much?
why does his voice calm me down?

why is this happening..........who am I becoming?  How do I deal with all of this?

I hurt to my core.
The pain is suffocating.

I don't know what to do.

I love him...........I am so stupid.  I am pathetic.  But I want him.

I want him so much I am willing to accept him the way he is just to have him in my life.............

AM I?????????

i thought he would call today.....he called yesterday

this morning when I woke up I turned off the alarm and then went back to sleep.  I was so sure he would call and wake me up.

I am dying for it to just go back how it was .

My heart and mind cant get over him.

I know it is wrong but I just want him back

70 x 7

Today the little one asked me what 70 x 7 equals....I said I don't know but it's a lot.

The hardest part for me is not the forgiveness, it is the forgetting and moving on.

I don't know if this knot in my stomach will ever go away.

I don't know if I will ever smile again.

I wish I could ignore all of this.

Here is my plan.....
1. Forgive him
2. Keep moving
3. Keep moving
4. Keep moving

I told her that yes, Jesus calls us to forgive, but he doesn't say we have to be doormats.

Doing the "Right Thing" or doing what is right....

Sometimes, it is hard to know what to do!
I am struggling so much right now that my heart is feeling blurry.
its so foggy walking around like this!

there is no try only do

I am trying to hold it together.....30 minutes in the car of crying before school
it is so hard working because there is so much time to think!
I hurt so bad..was it all a lie?
Did he ever love me?

How could this happen? I feel like I may die

I may never sleep again. I ache for him.....

If I could

If I could I would tell I love him more
If I could I would look into his eyes more
If I could I would make love to him one more time
If I could I would kiss him more
If I could I would have one more conversation
If I could I would have ended it better
If I could I would be in his arms right now
If I could I would not cry anymore
If I could I would not picture them together
If I could I would make this pain go away
If I could I would not curl up inside
If I could I would get out of bed
If I could I would be able to breathe again

I can't and I won't but I wish so much that he would

All this and no bag of chips

He always called and woke me.....day after he made sure I made it to work on time.....
I overslept today, my daughter still has school....sorta
We can't go because the car won't start

It comes in threes right?  Why does it feel like 30's?

My life is all this but no bag of chips.

Please Mr. Please

Don't play B17 it was our song it was his song but it's over....

I know how she feels, everything I mean EVERYTHING reminds me of Dennis.
Putting up the tree, so many memories...even doing laundry reminds me of the time he said he switched fabric softeners to be able to smell me.

Daddy offered to buy a new tree lol....a new tree won't fix this.

It's funny I look and see my last entry....same man just he has a different woman!

I am really stupid.  The sad part is I just wish I hope I could talk to him.  See him one last time.....
Like I said I am really stupid.

I put everything in a trash bag ...if I could only put the hurt in one too!

It is wonderful to see how many of my old friends are reading my fb and getting in touch to support me.  My parents came over within 45 minutes of finding out.

I worry for my daughter.  His new wife threatened my daughter.  How crazy is that! I feel like my heart may explode and I will die.

I just can't seem to get him out of my head....

Please Mr. Please....it was our song...it's over