<<==<<==<<== I'm with Stupid

I have been thinking she is so stupid. She has known for over a year. Doesn’t she have any pride? Why doesn’t she leave? Why is she staying where she isn’t wanted?

I sat at Starbucks for 4 hours. I kept hoping he would come by…stupid stupid stupid

As I sat, I looked at pictures of my beautiful daughter. I realized unconditional love is what really matters. She is my life.

I am the one that has been stupid, with no pride, staying where I am not wanted…stupid stupid stupid

Driving to church on Sunday morning, I saw a man with an orange shirt on a Harley. I thought he changed his mind. He was surprising me…stupid stupid stupid

Our love is so amazing. I was starting to believing in fate. I felt so wonderful being loved. I thought he understood me and accepted me the way I am…stupid stupid stupid

I am the one that was alone Christmas, alone New Years, and will be alone Fourth of July AGAIN…stupid stupid stupid

I still believe he loves me. But he loves her more. He would rather hurt me than hurt her…stupid stupid stupid

My parents liked him. I introduced him to my daughter. I never met anyone in his life. They would all hate me think I was a whore even threaten to kill me..stupid stupid stupid

All the dreams, all the plans, the houses, the vacations, the trips, spending every night in his arms, The Happily Ever After…stupid stupid stupid

I will try to move on, but I know I will never heal.

dark day

i am not sure what i am doing. i feel like nothing will work out. i dont know where t go from here. it seems i have made a mess of it all. my job was supposed to be temporary. i would move and there would be something else. but here i sit still alone still in this same job same house no real friends no one to talk to unable to face the future. knowing this is all there is?i wanted so much more. i wanted to mean so much more. i wanted to be valued.i wanted to be loved and needed. and wanted. i feel so worthless. and numb

lost

i feel so alone again. so unsure . i don't know where i am going. i don't know who i am. i try to be a good person. i continually fail. i am not a good teacher. i have no real friends. i have no interests. i have nothing...except my daughter. i think i am a pretty good mother to her but time will tell. i have no self esteem. i cant stop from crying. i don't sleep. i don't want to get out of bed. i cant seem to clean up anything.

i feel like a total loser. i love with all my heart, but i am never good enough. no one will ever stay. everyone wants me to change.

i feel like i have shut down inside. i really don't feel anything anymore. i am not happy. i am not sad. i just feel nothing. there is no reason to feel anything. no one knows or cares where i am or how i feel (maybe hj)

i feel so far away from God. i feel so far away from myself. i don't know how this happened but there is just nothing left.

Broken Promises

You promised you would never leave me
You promised you would always be here

I am drowning
drowning
drowning

in tiny pools of tears

You promised you would never leave me
You promised you would always be here

Your kiss goodbye still burns my lips
my mouth burns with desire

I wanted to believe you

I am suffering alone silently
I silently suffer because you are not here