How the Mighty Have Fallen

The Curse

I don't know if it is universal or not, but I really hate my "time of the month."

When I was growing up, many of my friends were allowed to stay home from school during the "visit from their Aunt Flo." MY mom, of course always told me "riding the cotton pony" was never an excuse for being bitchy or staying home or getting out of anything!!

Yesterday, I read in a fitness magazine that during "your period" you should continue to work out to help cramps...........ugh!

I have also read that vigorous sex while "Mother Nature" is around helps relieve pain and is great because hormones rage during the "cycle."

I spent three years tracking my "miss dot" thinking that it was my fault every time I fought with STBEH. And while every good statistician will tell you that correlation does not prove causation, I am happy to report there was not even ANY correlation. I discovered that he was just a jerk no matter what week it was!!

I have found, however, I do have a problem. I used to be "on the rag," 10 a.m . every 31 days. I have become a little less regular. The bigger problem is I can always count backwards 4 days from the start date to a complete meltdown. Now, I know meltdowns, I have a 3 year old and quite frankly I can put her to shame. I even shed more tears........

There are other symptoms, too. When I am "sitting at the red light" I have an enormous unbelievable migraine just a few hours before. Even more disgustingly alarming, during the "moon phase" I gain several pounds!!!

I just wish knew when I will be "wearing red shoes." Then I could say to myself this is not me really being angry or this person is not really a jerk, I am just "Hunting for Red October."

I am thinking of talking to my doctor about this. I would like it if I could pop a pill and miss the symptoms I am having from the "English test." But how would I know when to pop that pill??

I am thinking Mom might have been right and it all comes down to self-discipline, geeezzz that sucks............maybe I will just continue the tantrums..........hahaha

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I just did something I never thought I could do. It took a lot of strength. For me. I think most people could have done this without even thinking. Or maybe they would have never gotten into this problem to begin with!!

I didn't fix all of it. I don't think I can, I don't even want to fix all of it. I can't reverse this, so it was a big step.

I know time will fix some of this mess I call my life. I am waiting for time to pass. That old adage time will tell...............I know it will on some of of this. Time will make some decisions for me.

Not making a decision or a choice is of course a decision and a choice. Kinda like staying in bed is a choice not to take a shower...........

So Confusing

I just don't understand why love has to hurt. Why does one person love another so much and yet, the feelings aren't returned.

I tend to give my heart freely. I tend to love blindly. I look for the good in someone. I ignore the bad and the warning signs. I forgive very easily. I don't always forget very well.

I have learned not to chase a man....maybe....I hope I have learned. Either he wants you or he doesn't. He has to come to you freely and willingly. Fighting for your man just doesn't work, Sorry Miss Loretta................

I have been in love many times in my life. I guess I am luckier than most. But, never so deeply. So easy to hurt inside when you give your whole heart.

I have to learn to walk away. I think. I need to focus on me and my daughter. I need to make myself a priority. I am really tired of never being first. STBEH always put his mistress first....I always put him first. Now, I put my daughter first. Someday I want to be first. I want to be the one that gets defended in the fight. I want to matter. I want to be the ONE.

Secrets.......

I have never been able to keep a secret. In fact, I can't think of any secret I have ever kept.........

Until this one.

Until now.

Most of the time, this secret has made me very happy. It is amazing how knowing something that no one else knows can make things easier. For example, a cold-hearted female type person was griping me out and I didn't mind because I kept thinking, she doesn't know. She doesn't know my secret. If she only knew.

It is extremely decadent to know a secret. To keep this secret. I have kept for almost a year now. It is only mine to know. I can never tell this secret. But it is a little song in my heart.

Usually.

Almost always.

Not lately.

Lately, I have thought about how many lives this secret would destroy. Innocent and well, not so innocent lives. The topsy-turvy world this secret would create. How many people would be directly hurt and how many would be indirectly hurt. The fiscal and economic repercussions of this secret had actually never occurred to me until now.

Knowing what I know has made me want to be sick. I sometimes feel my insides have turned into a vile black liquid bile that will pour out my eyes and mouth.........this secret. The pain it will cause.

I can't imagine how other people live daily with secrets. This is the only one I have ever kept. I keep it because of the pain and destruction. I want to share it because of the joy......

I know that I can never tell this secret. It will never be out in the open. Someday, it will be a memory. Someday, maybe it won't matter.

It has changed my life forever. How I see things. I see colors more brightly, taste things more vividly. But I cannot share this.

It will always no matter what be a secret.