Thirty Six Thousand Six Hundred Twelve and Five Tenths

For all you Rent fans, you know those are not the right numbers. That is not the number of minutes in a year!!!! However, 36k is the number of miles until the warranty went out on my car and that number 612.5 is the number of miles I was over!!!

Last night, I sat in a parking lot waiting for a tow truck. I called my mother-in-law and she went and got my daughter so, at least she was safe. I think it was like 500 degrees below zero--well I was cold. I was so exhausted. I had just left a good cry session at my therapist and my car was dead in her parking lot!!!!

Out of habit, or stupidity, or something, I called stbeh. I cried. He was actually nice. He talked to me until Daddy got there. He really was nice. I just couldn't face sitting alone. He talked me through it, he even got me to laugh. I almost thought of why I used to love him!!

I am getting used to sleeping alone. And though I hate to admit it, I have gone years without sex before, so I am okay there, too. I am actually spending more quality time with my daughter. Without the constant reminder of what a terrible housekeeper I am, I have just let that go and play with her. I don't care about folding towels now, in fact they are in the dryer. I sit in the floor and read Dora Dora Dora the Explorer 12 times in a row. I am getting good at making things with play-doh and she thinks I am Michelangelo when it comes to painting. I know all the words to her favorite songs. And we sing the "baby song" several times every night while I rock her to sleep.

I think the car thing made me feel so alone because if it weren't for family, I would have been in a panic about my daughter and how to take care of us until the car was fixed. (Daddy fixed it this afternoon) I don't want to be alone. I like to talk. I like to hug.....Mom gave me a sweatshirt once that said "I need a hug". I wore it a lot, I still like it when she hugs me. I spent 10 years single and alone. I did all the things to work on myself and "grow" as a person. I don't want to do that again. But God doesn't give me what I want!!

As we sat in the cold, Daddy said God wasn't laughing at me last night maybe just a wink!