I do believe

When doing children's theater, anyone who performs in Peter Pan knows there is always a risk. What if Tinkerbell dies because no one believes in fairies and the children don't clap??

Am I a fool? Have believed in love for so long....believed it was out there for me. I see my sisters, parents, grandparents and even former inlaws...they are in love. They follow the rules. I am not saying their lives are perfect, or they don't go through pain, but they have a partner. Someone who is there. They are not alone. They don't go to bed alone. They don't have to cry alone.

I have the most beautiful wonderful daughter and she and I will always love each other, but I thought I would have more.

Once, I told my mom the song, "You won't ever be lonely" is what I wanted in life and partner....she thinks I can find it.

I feel like the little girl in Miracle on 34th Street. I am too smart to believe....but wouldn't be nice if I could.

Does History Repeat Itself?

For the past two weeks, I have been teaching history does indeed repeat itself by comparing the American Revolution to the Texas Revolution. Are the two really parallel? Does history really follow a pattern. What about our own lives. Our own story....

I think we write our own history. I think while it is possible to study history it is impossible to know what happened. I came to this realization my junior year in college. I was writing a compare and contrast paper over Catherine I and Empress Wu. Two very little know wives of rulers. There were many similarities. But the more I studied I wondered is this true? How did these women feel about the facts being presented about their lives.

I have often obsessed about Marie Antoinette saying "let them eat cake"....even before the comedian made that famous....I wondered did she really say it? Did she mean it? was it a joke? was she so dimwitted?

Around that time I decided I could not wait to die. I really wanted to go to Heaven and find out all the answers. To have everything revealed to me. To know the truth and have all my questions answered.

Pilate asks "But what is truth..." funny he didn't let Jesus answer.

Maybe I don't really want to know the truth either. I have always been so curious. But I think so often we make our own truths. We believe our own lies. We write our own histories...

So who knows, maybe History Does Repeat Itself????

NASCAR

I am having an affair with my massage therapist......

Ok not really ......he is perfectly professional, has never touched me below the waist, and it is a medical massage at a doctors office.

However, we have the perfect relationship:
He pays complete and total attention to me and only me for 15 minutes (a man's attention span right?)
He is so funny almost goofy....like me
He is so sweet it is like he is gay (he is not by the way)

my chair

My special place is my recliner. I got it to rock my baby. Stbeh was so mad about the cost and where to put it. But I wanted it we drove up Allen to pick it up and he yelled the whole way there!! Then he wanted to take it when he left...HA!

I sit here often because it is comfortable. In it, my back doesn't hurt which is a miracle. It is also right by the A/C unit.

I can think here. I have my feet up. I can breath when I sit here. I can slow down. It is like hiding in my closet it is comforting, but more comfortable.

My life seems to get crazier by the day. I can't get a handle on most things. I don't know when I will ever get another job. I don't really want one, but I have to find one.

There is one part of my life I can't seem to align with my life. It doesn't seem to be who I am or what I believe in. It seems to be destroying so much. But at the same time, I keep thinking What if? What if it all goes right and this time ....I guess it doesn't matter. I will not change it. I will not stop it. I just wish it was easier.

I wish my life could be comfortable like my recliner.

Broken promises

you broke your promise ....you broke my heart
your anger even took away the pictures I would look at alone late at night...my only comfort those few words, those few images

the loneliness seems to pull me down. I feel like it is going over my head. Like I will drown. I cant seem to breath. My heart seems to pound like it will come out of my chest.

i gave away my heart. I got it back in pieces --broken crushed bruised

it hurts so much I feel like I will die. I feel like a weight is crushing my chest.

i believed in the promises. I had faith in the promises. I wanted them to be true.

but they were just all lies...why always the lies...they crush me stomp on me flatten me

i can't get out of bed...i cant move...i cant breath

the broken promises have crushed my soul

dark

i feel like i am walking in a fog
i feel like i am swimming in dark thick water
i feel like i am stuck in black jello
i feel like i am cold and dark
i feel like i am hiding from the sun

i am hollow
i am tired
i am scared
i am confused

i wait
i sit
i rock
i cry

i don't know how long how dark how deep

i want to breath

Wife vs Mistress

I don't know if all men cheat. I am sure that all married men must have at sometime wanted to cheat! I read somewhere that 60% of men cheat and 40% lie about cheating, or that might have been masturbating??

I guess I could put together a quiz on facebook: Which would you rather be a wife or a mistress....but I thought I would compose it here. This list consist of the pros and cons of either being a wife or a mistress. I did not determine which was a pro and which was a con, because that could be in the eye of the beholder...(like being together for all family functions)...I am however, trying not to duplicate for example: Wife ...always having to remind him to wear his wedding ring....Mistress...always having to tell him to take off his wedding ring..........so here goes

Wife
All holidays
All business functions
All family functions
Pictures
Someone to take care of you when you are sick
No more blowjobs
His money when he dies
taking care of the household
always wondering
security
stability

Mistress
Not sharing the remote control
sleeping in the middle of the bed
not having anyone see you when you are bloated
really hot sex
always getting to look Fabulous....
having to share your man
whore
dirty secret
homewrecker
midlife crisis


I am leaving out love. I don't know where it goes....does the man love his wife more if he doesn't leave her or does he love his mistress more because he has really already left his wife in his heart??

How the Mighty Have Fallen

The Curse

I don't know if it is universal or not, but I really hate my "time of the month."

When I was growing up, many of my friends were allowed to stay home from school during the "visit from their Aunt Flo." MY mom, of course always told me "riding the cotton pony" was never an excuse for being bitchy or staying home or getting out of anything!!

Yesterday, I read in a fitness magazine that during "your period" you should continue to work out to help cramps...........ugh!

I have also read that vigorous sex while "Mother Nature" is around helps relieve pain and is great because hormones rage during the "cycle."

I spent three years tracking my "miss dot" thinking that it was my fault every time I fought with STBEH. And while every good statistician will tell you that correlation does not prove causation, I am happy to report there was not even ANY correlation. I discovered that he was just a jerk no matter what week it was!!

I have found, however, I do have a problem. I used to be "on the rag," 10 a.m . every 31 days. I have become a little less regular. The bigger problem is I can always count backwards 4 days from the start date to a complete meltdown. Now, I know meltdowns, I have a 3 year old and quite frankly I can put her to shame. I even shed more tears........

There are other symptoms, too. When I am "sitting at the red light" I have an enormous unbelievable migraine just a few hours before. Even more disgustingly alarming, during the "moon phase" I gain several pounds!!!

I just wish knew when I will be "wearing red shoes." Then I could say to myself this is not me really being angry or this person is not really a jerk, I am just "Hunting for Red October."

I am thinking of talking to my doctor about this. I would like it if I could pop a pill and miss the symptoms I am having from the "English test." But how would I know when to pop that pill??

I am thinking Mom might have been right and it all comes down to self-discipline, geeezzz that sucks............maybe I will just continue the tantrums..........hahaha

Deleted

I just did something I never thought I could do. It took a lot of strength. For me. I think most people could have done this without even thinking. Or maybe they would have never gotten into this problem to begin with!!

I didn't fix all of it. I don't think I can, I don't even want to fix all of it. I can't reverse this, so it was a big step.

I know time will fix some of this mess I call my life. I am waiting for time to pass. That old adage time will tell...............I know it will on some of of this. Time will make some decisions for me.

Not making a decision or a choice is of course a decision and a choice. Kinda like staying in bed is a choice not to take a shower...........

So Confusing

I just don't understand why love has to hurt. Why does one person love another so much and yet, the feelings aren't returned.

I tend to give my heart freely. I tend to love blindly. I look for the good in someone. I ignore the bad and the warning signs. I forgive very easily. I don't always forget very well.

I have learned not to chase a man....maybe....I hope I have learned. Either he wants you or he doesn't. He has to come to you freely and willingly. Fighting for your man just doesn't work, Sorry Miss Loretta................

I have been in love many times in my life. I guess I am luckier than most. But, never so deeply. So easy to hurt inside when you give your whole heart.

I have to learn to walk away. I think. I need to focus on me and my daughter. I need to make myself a priority. I am really tired of never being first. STBEH always put his mistress first....I always put him first. Now, I put my daughter first. Someday I want to be first. I want to be the one that gets defended in the fight. I want to matter. I want to be the ONE.

Secrets.......

I have never been able to keep a secret. In fact, I can't think of any secret I have ever kept.........

Until this one.

Until now.

Most of the time, this secret has made me very happy. It is amazing how knowing something that no one else knows can make things easier. For example, a cold-hearted female type person was griping me out and I didn't mind because I kept thinking, she doesn't know. She doesn't know my secret. If she only knew.

It is extremely decadent to know a secret. To keep this secret. I have kept for almost a year now. It is only mine to know. I can never tell this secret. But it is a little song in my heart.

Usually.

Almost always.

Not lately.

Lately, I have thought about how many lives this secret would destroy. Innocent and well, not so innocent lives. The topsy-turvy world this secret would create. How many people would be directly hurt and how many would be indirectly hurt. The fiscal and economic repercussions of this secret had actually never occurred to me until now.

Knowing what I know has made me want to be sick. I sometimes feel my insides have turned into a vile black liquid bile that will pour out my eyes and mouth.........this secret. The pain it will cause.

I can't imagine how other people live daily with secrets. This is the only one I have ever kept. I keep it because of the pain and destruction. I want to share it because of the joy......

I know that I can never tell this secret. It will never be out in the open. Someday, it will be a memory. Someday, maybe it won't matter.

It has changed my life forever. How I see things. I see colors more brightly, taste things more vividly. But I cannot share this.

It will always no matter what be a secret.

Dancing Queen

Family is such a weird thing. I get along well with my family. We are kinda kooky, but all in all very normal, not too out there.

But I am learning what family really means. Stbeh betrayed me. His mother, naturally, loves him, but she also loves me. She also loves her granddaughter. That means that we have a common goal. My daughter's happiness. We can get along and get over most everything because we want to share her laughter and her life.

My stbe mother in law, or Grammie, has moved across the country to live near my daughter. Grampie will join her when he retires this year. She is a wonderful woman, very smart, very caring, but most of all a good hearted person. I am doing what I can to make sure she stays in my daughter's life. But, stbeh does not like that. He is jealous and spiteful about it. I know that most divorcing couples do not reach out to the inlaws. He has said he is going to sue to keep my parents away (what an idiot)

Imagine my surprise and delight Saturday when I got a phone call to go out to dinner. It was Grammie, her sister, and her sister-in-law. (the two aunts had flown in from NY) They took me to dinner and we rented Mama Mia. We had popcorn, drank stbeh's beer that he left and ate chocolate. They wanted to be with me. They weren't just being friendly. We had fun.

We sang Karaoke to Mama Mia on the bonus tracks of the DVD!!!!!! Dancing Queen!!!!

I can't remember such a fun Saturday night in a long time. I was so happy after they left, I couldn't sleep for hours. In fact, I drew a tattoo on my hip to see what it would look like!!

Family can't be a mom, dad, son, daughter and dog. Family has to be more. It is about loving and sharing love, not blood.

The End of the War or Just the Beginning

Have you ever had a flash of thought that sat you bolt right up in bed?

I just did!!

The War of Roses was all in my head. He didn't actually think these things through. He didn't purposely NOT do house work. He didn't even realize he invented "reverse housework"

I gave him waaaaaaaaaayyy too much credit. The truth is he is just a lazy asshole.

There I said it. I was having this battle all on my own it was all in my little head. He didn't give a flip about a clean house. He just wanted to win. I mean win everything. And I let him!

HA! Today, I filed the paperwork. He should get it in the mail soon. I didn't have him served. I am not playing his games anymore. I will be divorced. I will protect the interests of my daughter.

I will have as clean a house as I want. I don't have to even think about this anymore.

<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>> Huge sigh of relief.................

John 13:1-17

As a liberal Methodist preacher's daughter, I grew up learning about certain passages of the bible more than others. Somehow I was spared the ritual of memorizing passages in games or something that the "others" did. My parents believe in walking the walking and hoping others see it and want to join in the walk.

I did not grow up in a liberal Methodist town. We were like aliens. Our church building has a very unique construction. It is round and circular because God's love can never be cornered. It is also bare concrete and stucco because Man still wants to get paid!! This year we will be celebrating our 50th anniversary as a church. So much has changed and so much is still the same.

A few months ago, I got a massage. She began it my soaking my feet in hot towels and massaging them. It felt really good. She said she believed spouses should do this for each other after hard days to show caring and I really thought WOW!

You see I knew there was a scripture about this. (I did have to look it up and I used my concordance from college not the internet!) I knew Jesus had washed his disciples feet. The most powerful part of this to me is that our Teacher our Lord washed our feet. And then sent us to wash others. As a kid, I had watched my parents perform this ritual in different classes they taught. Once at the end of a Bible Study, once as my mother had begun a new ministry, she washed all the high school students involved. It is a little scary to think of washing someone's feet, if you don't know them, but it is truly a uplifting spiritual response to know you have given that to someone.

Combining the sensual loving and caring of washing and massaging someone's feet with Jesus words to wash one another's feet brings to me the idea of love and spirituality together. I will never know if my massage therapist did it because it felt good, or if she was also spreading God's love to me.

Jesus Washes His Disciples Feet

God Knows I wasn't THAT Late

I swear I will be late to my own funeral!!

I left the house today 3 minutes after church started. I was supposed to stand up and be blessed or something because I am a new co-chair of a committee. It only takes about 10 minutes to get to my church, so in theory I was 13 minutes late, right?

Well I walked into the foyer and there was a young man in his 20's. And I was greeted with Oh, Carrie, you know sign language right? Turns out this guy was a deaf mute and lost.

It has been a long time since I took sign language classes. The last few things I remember are the signs I learned to teach my daughter because it is supposed to help infants when they are pre-verbal. I really don't think "Daddy" or "Cracker" were going to help this situation!!

So I started to finger spell..............yes that is how my friends and I cheated in high school!!! But the guy is just not getting what I am asking. He just keeps spelling his name to me.

He gives us his driver's license and he has a super common name. One of the church members calls directory assistance to try and get his family's phone number. RIGHT!! It would be like calling China and asking for the Lee family!!!

I keep trying to finger spell and I just can't understand why he isn't understanding me. Then it hits me.............he speaks Spanish. I am spelling in English. One of the ladies says "no, he doesn't speak Spanish I tried talking to him" Hello, he is mute!! So, now I have to try and remember signs, (I have trouble with the letter "p") and try to translate and spell correctly in Spanish.

This poor guy he is so frustrated, but very kind-hearted. He isn't mad just can't explain. Finally, one of the high school students comes out to sign to him. See sign language itself is almost universal and the sign for cat is cat and the sign for gato is cat.......

They finally figured out he was lost.........duh! And the Spanish speaking lady drove him home.

Needless to say, when I went into the sanctuary, there were no seats left in the back row. (All the preacher's kids were filling them up, right, Carlton?) So, I had to march all the way to the front row and by now it looks as though I am 30 minutes late to church!!

But God knows the truth, right???

Thirty Six Thousand Six Hundred Twelve and Five Tenths

For all you Rent fans, you know those are not the right numbers. That is not the number of minutes in a year!!!! However, 36k is the number of miles until the warranty went out on my car and that number 612.5 is the number of miles I was over!!!

Last night, I sat in a parking lot waiting for a tow truck. I called my mother-in-law and she went and got my daughter so, at least she was safe. I think it was like 500 degrees below zero--well I was cold. I was so exhausted. I had just left a good cry session at my therapist and my car was dead in her parking lot!!!!

Out of habit, or stupidity, or something, I called stbeh. I cried. He was actually nice. He talked to me until Daddy got there. He really was nice. I just couldn't face sitting alone. He talked me through it, he even got me to laugh. I almost thought of why I used to love him!!

I am getting used to sleeping alone. And though I hate to admit it, I have gone years without sex before, so I am okay there, too. I am actually spending more quality time with my daughter. Without the constant reminder of what a terrible housekeeper I am, I have just let that go and play with her. I don't care about folding towels now, in fact they are in the dryer. I sit in the floor and read Dora Dora Dora the Explorer 12 times in a row. I am getting good at making things with play-doh and she thinks I am Michelangelo when it comes to painting. I know all the words to her favorite songs. And we sing the "baby song" several times every night while I rock her to sleep.

I think the car thing made me feel so alone because if it weren't for family, I would have been in a panic about my daughter and how to take care of us until the car was fixed. (Daddy fixed it this afternoon) I don't want to be alone. I like to talk. I like to hug.....Mom gave me a sweatshirt once that said "I need a hug". I wore it a lot, I still like it when she hugs me. I spent 10 years single and alone. I did all the things to work on myself and "grow" as a person. I don't want to do that again. But God doesn't give me what I want!!

As we sat in the cold, Daddy said God wasn't laughing at me last night maybe just a wink!

Look Ma No Hands

My daughter got a princess bike for Christmas. It has sparkly pompom things from the handles and before we went out we added extra princess stickers to the seat and helmet.

I was really looking forward to the bike riding. Last year, she got a tricycle and her feet wouldn't reach the pedals. So I spent three months pushing her up and down the sidewalk hunched over listening to her squeal with delight. I thought that now she would be able to pedal and I would just walk along.

No such luck!!! She doesn't know how to pedal and when I push the bike it just coasts. The pedals do not turn. She isn't learning how to pedal. I tried pushing her feet and knees but she doesn't seem to get it. It is more fun for her if I push anyway!

She really looks so cute in her Dora helmet. It would break my rule about showing her face here or I would post the picture. All the neighbors came out and waved. She waved back like a little princess. While I was the hunchback pushing her!!!

She loves that bike. I love her. We are having fun. Although until she learns to pedal it is more like "Look Ma, No Feet"

My Top Ten

I have been cleaning the house. STBEH took my daughter for an overnight visit, so I steam cleaned the master bedroom carpet and I am dismantling the home office. My parents are bringing over a desk they don't use, so I am going to try to make the room into mine instead of STBEH's! In other words, I am going to make it girlie somehow.

As I was cleaning, I found some old papers of mine. One was a list of the Top Ten things I want in a man. I wrote it back when I was vice-president of my church's singles class. It was an exercise that was supposed to help me recognize Mr. Right. I showed my list to a good friend once and he said, "isn't number 3 kinda a given?"

I don't know why but I have always been able to see past other's faults. I had to put in writing the 10 things that I just could not live with otherwise I can rationalize away a lot of things. My list has things like funny, smart, responsible, but I forgot to put does not emotionally abuse me or cheat on me or is available.

I used to believe there was a "Mr. Right" out there. That the stars had put one person out there and I had to find to live happily ever after. But now, I believe if two people are willing to say "together, forever, always, no matter what" that they can do it. I even believe that at times one person can being doing more work than the other but as long as it is "no matter what" it will all come out in the wash.

I don't think my list has changed much. There are two versions. Then there is some drunken hand writing that describes in detail what number 10 actually means. I don't think I will post those!!!