When EF Hutton Talks...People Listen

As a kid I wanted to be a boy. Not because I thought I was a boy inside or because I wanted to kiss girls, but because boys got away with so much. I wanted to be the class clown and that position always seemed reserved for a boy.

Alan H. was our class clown in 5th grade (one of my favorite years). Well him, and my bestest ever BFF, BA. Alan was not smart though. B and I were. But the guys got away with it and I always had to go stand in the hall. Or worse, no one laughed!!

In high school, I pulled a prank on our 10th grade honors English teacher. That woman was sooooo stodgy. She named her daughter after Emily Dickinson. Anyway, I played the joke, straight faced and she didn't get it. Then no one NO ONE laughed. Not even a murmur. I wanted to die right there in the silence. Afterwards, like lunch time, I found out everyone was talking about it and it was the funniest thing anyone had ever done to her. They were just all so scared of her no one would dare laugh.

Daddy has always told me to be a stand up comic. I would love that job. But the problem is I don't tell jokes to be funny. I also always have a story to tell. And I don't tell the story to be funny or because I live in the past either. I tell the story because I need the attention. I try to be funny because I have no self esteem.

Bad publicity is better than no publicity, right? I was not popular in school. I would never have won any election or class favorite whatever, but I bet you can't find 10 people who didn't know me. I knew tons of people and everyone knew who I was. Usually, not for anything good I did, but maybe funny.

I think being the middle child makes me this way. I feel like I always have to go the extra mile to please mom and dad to get any attention.

I don't think I can quit being a talker. Okay, really that is not up for change anyway. I don't know about the story telling either. I really like being the center of attention.

But I am going to work on trusting myself. So many times I don't let my own word stand for itself. I will say something and questioned or not, I provide an authority to back my word. The authority might be the Library of Congress or just Mom, but it seems I can't ever just say because I say so. Like I have something to prove to someone. Well for eight years I have had to prove every statement. I have had to justify myself. I don't know if I was always this way or just as the abuse grew, I grew this way. Well, I am going to try to stop this. No More I say.

When EF Hutton Talks................who gives a shit, I am not going to listen.....I don't need him anyway.