This is the third one in two days. It was only 12 minutes.
Yesterday night after tennis, I don't know what happened but I was suddenly crying in CVS. I put down the nail polish and hair bows and left. I sat in the car and cried shaking. I wished I had someone to come get me.

I don't know what triggered this one just now either. I feel the pulse in weird places throbbing in my neck and the bottoms of my feet. I try to slow down my breathing but it makes me hyperventilate and then the oxygen makes me light headed.

I took a half xanax twice yesterday and a half just now.

I want to run and I don't know why or where I would go. I am scared and sad and want to hide. I want to suck my thumb but it doesn't help.

My moods are more erractic than ever. I can be so happy. Especially riding my new bike I feel free. Then I can't get out of bed. The pain is too much. They don't know what keeps causing the abdominal pain which is more frustrating. I am almost getting good at peeing in a cup though.

I am so lonely. I may need a new job. I like working from home, but I need to talk to people.

I need someone to talk to about everything going on. I want to talk to my preacher. But I am scared. I can't tell a counselor. I can't take back what I have done. I don't want to anyway. I wish I knew what to do.

How do I choose between the most intense passionate love I have ever felt with the chance to be happy and the dream of my perfect family.

The writing is helping. I am calmer now.