Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

I have decided I am not going to be sick anymore. I am not going to the doctor. I refuse to be fat also.

I am a new me.

I am happy.

I ride a bike and play tennis and sing and go to church and work and raise my baby.

I am happy.

I just want to be happy. I don't know what it feels like as the depression has always been there. As early as 7 I can remember it. I thought that I was just different. I know I am different in that my intelligence puts me in awkward places. I either explain to much or just jump when I think others understand. Also, my jokes are never funny. But I have always been different in other ways too.

I know my looks are different. My older sister has blue eyes. My younger sister is a blond. I felt very common with brown hair and brown eyes my whole life. Just nothing very unique about my looks. Then of course with puberty, I never got boobs. So I am average in looks, nothing unique. I work hard to maintain whatever looks I have. I have always heard even if you can not afford an expensive dress, take care of the one you have and always be clean--you will look better than those in an expensive dress that is not clean.

I have recently discovered I am also a klutz. Okay, I have always know it. It is painful to admit, but I cannot think of a single sport that I can even play. I have no coordination and I bruise easy. Most sports also involve some sort of ball coming at you which frankly I just duck and cover. I am hoping with some practice to eventually be able to control the front wheel of my bike. I think this might be the most important wheel. So really sports will give me no extra self confidence or esteem.

I guess that is where men come in. So being unhappy, averagely looks, a slight klutz and no self esteem I am quite the prize for a man out there. Hubby says no man will ever want me. Did I mention I am also quirky.

But here is the thing, I am going to be happy. I am going to be perky. Call my voice mail. My friends say it is so happy the get cavities when they listen.

I refuse to be down. I want my daughter to be raised by someone happy. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I will be happy DAMMIT (and skinny)