I used to have a friend who would help me through break ups when I was in the dating world. I could always tell how bad it really was when he would tell me it was time to break out the good ice cream.
The theory as I best understand is that a two week crush is only worth lime sherbet. Where as like a six month relationship can move up to a carton of Ben and Jerry's........you get the idea.
So just now I was looking in my refrigerator and realized, I don't have the good stuff or the bad stuff, unless you count those kiddie Popsicles in the plastic wrap that you suck out. (I guess that would be a bad date on the previous scale.)
Next, I just rummaged through my kitchen aka the war zone--yes his dirty socks are where he left them on the kitchen table. I found three chocolate mini-eclairs still good, I put cream cheese on 7 frozen pancakes, I ate a can of Vienna sausages which I know is weird but they are comfort food for me. Then, I hit mecca.
Women suffering from depression should not be allowed to go down the Halloween Candy Aisle at Wal-Mart. For some reason, I was sure I needed 7 of those 5 pound bags of mixed candy. Gosh Darn I was right. I will not be at home handing out candy. I did not eat it all and I have called Daddy for an intervention. He will be here tomorrow morning at 10 am to pick up the remains.
I wonder how many mini-twix bars it takes to equal "The Good Ice Cream?"
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Right of First Refusal
All I can think right now is how is the possible?? What in the world can the judge or legislature or whoever it is that decides these things be thinking??
After 8 years of verbal abuse, I finally have the strength to ask hubby to leave. I told him to be out Nov.1. He said he could be out Dec. 1. I said okay. So tonight he tells me he is going to have "right of first refusal" added to our divorce. I have never heard of this. So he explains it to me that anytime I want someone to watch our daughter or hire a babysitter I have to call him first.
This sounds reasonable, right? No! Well he would be free I would have to pay a babysitter. He gets to spend more time with our daughter. Isn't that a win for everyone? NO!!
Somehow some judge or whatever thinks it is a good idea that every time I need to go out or on a date or our daughter is sick and would stay home from school that it is a good idea I call my ex-husband. I have to subject myself to his verbal abuse over and over and over.
That is why I am getting the divorce. I can't take the abuse anymore. I wanted to hold on to the family. I have tried to find a way to live through this nightmare. But I can't take the assault on my self esteem and my spirit anymore.
He has only hit me actually one time back in the summer when we first moved back home. I called the police. They stood around laughing with him. Told me they wouldn't take a veteran in unless they had to. Said he didn't really hit me because it was with an open hand and no marks. Told me if I was so scared I should take the baby and leave the house. So I did.
Tuesday he picked me up by the wrist. I was so scared. He raised his fist, but he did not hit me. He set me back down and shoved me backward. I didn't bother calling the police. No marks didn't happen. He said he would kill me if I called them. Not good for my daughter to have a dead mother and a jailbird father.
I have been doing things to try to build myself up. I wanted to rejoin the church choir for the Christmas music season. He told me I could go when my chores were done and the house was spotless.
I will never understand this man. I have given my whole heart to him. I would do anything for him. Last night I buffed his nails because he had a job interview. I BUFFED a man's nails the day after he threw me by my wrist. The same man who one year ago knocked up his co-worker and threw me into a wall. Here I am writing his resume, fielding calls from recruiters and buffing Fu&%ing nails.
I tried to google all of this and get some straight answers but there has to be some protection for the verbally abuse spouse to not have to submit themselves to the anger and judgement of a verbal abuser on a regular basis.
After 8 years of verbal abuse, I finally have the strength to ask hubby to leave. I told him to be out Nov.1. He said he could be out Dec. 1. I said okay. So tonight he tells me he is going to have "right of first refusal" added to our divorce. I have never heard of this. So he explains it to me that anytime I want someone to watch our daughter or hire a babysitter I have to call him first.
This sounds reasonable, right? No! Well he would be free I would have to pay a babysitter. He gets to spend more time with our daughter. Isn't that a win for everyone? NO!!
Somehow some judge or whatever thinks it is a good idea that every time I need to go out or on a date or our daughter is sick and would stay home from school that it is a good idea I call my ex-husband. I have to subject myself to his verbal abuse over and over and over.
That is why I am getting the divorce. I can't take the abuse anymore. I wanted to hold on to the family. I have tried to find a way to live through this nightmare. But I can't take the assault on my self esteem and my spirit anymore.
He has only hit me actually one time back in the summer when we first moved back home. I called the police. They stood around laughing with him. Told me they wouldn't take a veteran in unless they had to. Said he didn't really hit me because it was with an open hand and no marks. Told me if I was so scared I should take the baby and leave the house. So I did.
Tuesday he picked me up by the wrist. I was so scared. He raised his fist, but he did not hit me. He set me back down and shoved me backward. I didn't bother calling the police. No marks didn't happen. He said he would kill me if I called them. Not good for my daughter to have a dead mother and a jailbird father.
I have been doing things to try to build myself up. I wanted to rejoin the church choir for the Christmas music season. He told me I could go when my chores were done and the house was spotless.
I will never understand this man. I have given my whole heart to him. I would do anything for him. Last night I buffed his nails because he had a job interview. I BUFFED a man's nails the day after he threw me by my wrist. The same man who one year ago knocked up his co-worker and threw me into a wall. Here I am writing his resume, fielding calls from recruiters and buffing Fu&%ing nails.
I tried to google all of this and get some straight answers but there has to be some protection for the verbally abuse spouse to not have to submit themselves to the anger and judgement of a verbal abuser on a regular basis.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
I Wouldn't Beg for Water
How can one person destroy me with just a sentence? He answered my ultimatum by saying you know the answer. He is looking for apartments. I hate him. I hate the way he treats me. I don't understand why I want to beg him to stay.
I wouldn't beg for water,
I wouldn't beg for water
If my soul was on fire,
that's the last thing I would ever do
I wouldn't beg for water,
I wouldn't beg for water
If my soul was on fire,
but I'd get down on my knees for you
I wouldn't beg for water,
I wouldn't beg for water
If my soul was on fire,
that's the last thing I would ever do
I wouldn't beg for water,
I wouldn't beg for water
If my soul was on fire,
but I'd get down on my knees for you
Monday, October 27, 2008
Insomnia
Waking up with a crick in your neck or sleeping on your arm so it is numb all day--at some point everyone has a sleepless night.
Insomnia is not like that. Insomnia is night after night of no sleep. I have always been a night owl
I used to have a boss and we both had it. He used to call it his "widow's walk"
My sister doesn't sleep. She says it is because she is afraid if she goes to sleep that she may not wake up in the morning. I didn't tell her that I pray not to wake up in the morning
Insomnia is not like that. Insomnia is night after night of no sleep. I have always been a night owl
I used to have a boss and we both had it. He used to call it his "widow's walk"
My sister doesn't sleep. She says it is because she is afraid if she goes to sleep that she may not wake up in the morning. I didn't tell her that I pray not to wake up in the morning
Sunday, October 26, 2008
It Was 20 Years Ago Today
Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play...................I love that song.
However, it was actually exactly one year ago today at 7:24 pm that I found out my husband hand cheated on me.
A lot has happened in that year. I got fired, I got a new job, I lived with my parents, my mother in law lived with me, my beautiful daughter turned two.
But one thing has not happened. He has not made me feel special and wanted.
I have grown so much in this last year. I have gone from falling down in the middle of the floor crying for hours to someone who learned to ride a bike and play tennis and most importantly who I am inside--okay I am still working on that one!
I plan to give him an ultimatum when the baby goes to bed tonight. I can not live unloved the rest of my life. I have been loved and I won't go to bed each night wishing to feel special. I plan to give him a week to decide.
Will you still need me will you still feed me when I'm 64 -- another great Beatles song and if the person I am going to be with can't say YES immediately, I can't be with that person.
ADDENDUM
I don't want that! I don't want to have to ask. I want Tom Cruise jumping on the couch kind of love. Okay, he's crazy, but I want to know I am loved and not be thinking about what happens when I turn 65. I know I look so young thanks to the Mary Kay moisturizers but really it is not that far away and we all know that Paul had some one legged bad luck around 65!
I guess I don't know a good Beatles love song of what I want. Maybe Imagine ........You may say I'm a dreamer but that is just by Lennon.........
If I am going with Lennon, "Woman" is great..............
I dunno but I don't want this anymore!
However, it was actually exactly one year ago today at 7:24 pm that I found out my husband hand cheated on me.
A lot has happened in that year. I got fired, I got a new job, I lived with my parents, my mother in law lived with me, my beautiful daughter turned two.
But one thing has not happened. He has not made me feel special and wanted.
I have grown so much in this last year. I have gone from falling down in the middle of the floor crying for hours to someone who learned to ride a bike and play tennis and most importantly who I am inside--okay I am still working on that one!
I plan to give him an ultimatum when the baby goes to bed tonight. I can not live unloved the rest of my life. I have been loved and I won't go to bed each night wishing to feel special. I plan to give him a week to decide.
Will you still need me will you still feed me when I'm 64 -- another great Beatles song and if the person I am going to be with can't say YES immediately, I can't be with that person.
ADDENDUM
I don't want that! I don't want to have to ask. I want Tom Cruise jumping on the couch kind of love. Okay, he's crazy, but I want to know I am loved and not be thinking about what happens when I turn 65. I know I look so young thanks to the Mary Kay moisturizers but really it is not that far away and we all know that Paul had some one legged bad luck around 65!
I guess I don't know a good Beatles love song of what I want. Maybe Imagine ........You may say I'm a dreamer but that is just by Lennon.........
If I am going with Lennon, "Woman" is great..............
I dunno but I don't want this anymore!
Saturday, October 25, 2008
The Heart of a Librarian
You might think if you as a librarian why they became a librarian they will answer "because I love books"
The truth is a librarian my love books, but that is not why they are librarians. There are so many types of librarians, there are probably just as many reasons why they became librarians. So I am going to explain the reasons why a reference or public services person becomes a librarian.
We love information. We love the details of information and the best part is to be able to give that information to someone when they need it. I have been called a "warehouse of useless knowledge" by hubby. But if you are the one with a pregnant pink toed tarantula knowing when the babies are going to pop out could be important!
I love being able to locate the information for someone or even better to already know the information to help someone. I love chasing down the detail finding the fact and helping change someone's day.
My job now is to help librarians help students find that information. I like my job, I like the perks, but I miss
The truth is a librarian my love books, but that is not why they are librarians. There are so many types of librarians, there are probably just as many reasons why they became librarians. So I am going to explain the reasons why a reference or public services person becomes a librarian.
We love information. We love the details of information and the best part is to be able to give that information to someone when they need it. I have been called a "warehouse of useless knowledge" by hubby. But if you are the one with a pregnant pink toed tarantula knowing when the babies are going to pop out could be important!
I love being able to locate the information for someone or even better to already know the information to help someone. I love chasing down the detail finding the fact and helping change someone's day.
My job now is to help librarians help students find that information. I like my job, I like the perks, but I miss
Hula Dancing
There was a fundraiser at my church today with authentic hula dancers from Hawaii. They even taught us some simple hula steps. It was fun. Too bad hubby didn't to go. (as a side note, on the way there, I was thinking an impure thought and my cross necklace got caught on the seat belt and broke!!)
I used to get upset and lonely when I had to go to things by myself. I would be sad I wasn't sharing the moment with that someone special. I remember looking at the Lincoln Memorial or the Eiffel Tower and wishing that special someone was there to hold my hand. Tonight, I had fun and wished there was someone special out there watching me. As I learned how to do the pineapple and the coconut tonight, I looked in the crowd and there was no one special. But then I saw people who have always been there for me. My church family. I just laughed and giggled and had fun. Of course, I will probably always wish there was someone special there. Like the Christmas Eve when the look on my daughter's face during the candlelight vigil, I would give anything to share that with others. But I am also learning these moments are gifts from God and they are special even if no one else can share it with me.
I have been going to this church for most of my life. It is very small. Everyone knows everything about everyone. Well.........they don't know what hubby has done to me. Tonight when he didn't show up, they just accepted me and two couples invited me to sit with them. I guess that is what I love about this church, they love and except everyone. Alan has known me all of my life. His dad was one of the founding members of the church. He is married and has an 8 year old daughter. Hubby loves to tease me about Alan. If hubby wants to wear jeans to church he says "Alan does" or like tonight "Is Alan going?" I once took one of those plastic yellow WWJD bracelets and turned it inside out and wrote WWAD (What Would Alan Do) and gave it to hubby. I wonder why he never wore it??? I made sure I gave Alan a hug so I could tell hubby when I got home.
After watching these girls I have decided my next hobby will be either hula or belly dancing. It seemed quite erotic, fun, and like it would help me work out the area of my body I hate the most. There are other librarians that belly dance. I think there is some national group of them just google it and you will see how many librarians belly dance.
Although, I am still having fun riding my bike. Maybe when the cold weather gets here and I wimp out I will learn to belly dance.
I used to get upset and lonely when I had to go to things by myself. I would be sad I wasn't sharing the moment with that someone special. I remember looking at the Lincoln Memorial or the Eiffel Tower and wishing that special someone was there to hold my hand. Tonight, I had fun and wished there was someone special out there watching me. As I learned how to do the pineapple and the coconut tonight, I looked in the crowd and there was no one special. But then I saw people who have always been there for me. My church family. I just laughed and giggled and had fun. Of course, I will probably always wish there was someone special there. Like the Christmas Eve when the look on my daughter's face during the candlelight vigil, I would give anything to share that with others. But I am also learning these moments are gifts from God and they are special even if no one else can share it with me.
I have been going to this church for most of my life. It is very small. Everyone knows everything about everyone. Well.........they don't know what hubby has done to me. Tonight when he didn't show up, they just accepted me and two couples invited me to sit with them. I guess that is what I love about this church, they love and except everyone. Alan has known me all of my life. His dad was one of the founding members of the church. He is married and has an 8 year old daughter. Hubby loves to tease me about Alan. If hubby wants to wear jeans to church he says "Alan does" or like tonight "Is Alan going?" I once took one of those plastic yellow WWJD bracelets and turned it inside out and wrote WWAD (What Would Alan Do) and gave it to hubby. I wonder why he never wore it??? I made sure I gave Alan a hug so I could tell hubby when I got home.
After watching these girls I have decided my next hobby will be either hula or belly dancing. It seemed quite erotic, fun, and like it would help me work out the area of my body I hate the most. There are other librarians that belly dance. I think there is some national group of them just google it and you will see how many librarians belly dance.
Although, I am still having fun riding my bike. Maybe when the cold weather gets here and I wimp out I will learn to belly dance.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Things that Fascinate Me
I am in a better mood, so here we go:
- Toddlers with clean shirts
- Skinny soap stars
- Love songs on the radio that make me think of that special person
- The way breath makes steam on cold days
- My daughter's eyes
- Candlelight service on Christmas Eve
- My heart never runs out of love
- How good a hug can feel
- a lovers kiss
- the smell of pine and cinnamon
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Things that Annoy Me
- Toddler shirts with small openings for the head
- Clothes that get twisted in the washer
- Cups that turn over in the dishwasher
- Pharmacists that dispense children's medicine without a syringe
- Toys that don't drain well in the bathtub
- Blinking blue light on my blackberry when I use my bluetooth
- My neighbor's chihuahua (I love chihuahuas, by the way, this one just won't shut up)
- Presidential campaigns
- Panties that give wedgies
- Mary Kay discontinuing ALL nail polish
- Bath and Bodyworks frequently discontinuing my favorite scents
- Church politics
- Mornings
- Losing an earring but still having the other
- Trash in the alley because the neighbor put it out 3 days early (different neighbor)
- My body because I am always sick
- Women who don't flush in public bathrooms
- Men who think if they just peed they don't have to wash their hands
- Garage sales blocking my drive way
- Sales clerks that are rude
- Pricing for a new pair of black dress boots
- Victoria Secret models and Kelly Ripa
- When the Cowboys lose games
- Disrespect for the elderly
- Kids pants that show their boxers
- Bookstores not following standard library shelving rules
- Sun and Ski Barbie who has flat feet and a bigger waist so she doesn't fit any of the Barbie clothing line
- My cuticles
- Sitting next to fat or stinky people on a plane
- Loud noises at hotels
- Racism
- Keanau Reeves
- My fucking prick bastard narcissistic husband that can't change a light bulb in the garage without telling me how worthless I am and how I have recently become retarded because I can't seem to do anything for myself anymore.
Hopefully I won't see hubby tomorrow and I will be able to make a new list of things that fascinate me.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
This is the third one in two days. It was only 12 minutes.
Yesterday night after tennis, I don't know what happened but I was suddenly crying in CVS. I put down the nail polish and hair bows and left. I sat in the car and cried shaking. I wished I had someone to come get me.
I don't know what triggered this one just now either. I feel the pulse in weird places throbbing in my neck and the bottoms of my feet. I try to slow down my breathing but it makes me hyperventilate and then the oxygen makes me light headed.
I took a half xanax twice yesterday and a half just now.
I want to run and I don't know why or where I would go. I am scared and sad and want to hide. I want to suck my thumb but it doesn't help.
My moods are more erractic than ever. I can be so happy. Especially riding my new bike I feel free. Then I can't get out of bed. The pain is too much. They don't know what keeps causing the abdominal pain which is more frustrating. I am almost getting good at peeing in a cup though.
I am so lonely. I may need a new job. I like working from home, but I need to talk to people.
I need someone to talk to about everything going on. I want to talk to my preacher. But I am scared. I can't tell a counselor. I can't take back what I have done. I don't want to anyway. I wish I knew what to do.
How do I choose between the most intense passionate love I have ever felt with the chance to be happy and the dream of my perfect family.
The writing is helping. I am calmer now.
Yesterday night after tennis, I don't know what happened but I was suddenly crying in CVS. I put down the nail polish and hair bows and left. I sat in the car and cried shaking. I wished I had someone to come get me.
I don't know what triggered this one just now either. I feel the pulse in weird places throbbing in my neck and the bottoms of my feet. I try to slow down my breathing but it makes me hyperventilate and then the oxygen makes me light headed.
I took a half xanax twice yesterday and a half just now.
I want to run and I don't know why or where I would go. I am scared and sad and want to hide. I want to suck my thumb but it doesn't help.
My moods are more erractic than ever. I can be so happy. Especially riding my new bike I feel free. Then I can't get out of bed. The pain is too much. They don't know what keeps causing the abdominal pain which is more frustrating. I am almost getting good at peeing in a cup though.
I am so lonely. I may need a new job. I like working from home, but I need to talk to people.
I need someone to talk to about everything going on. I want to talk to my preacher. But I am scared. I can't tell a counselor. I can't take back what I have done. I don't want to anyway. I wish I knew what to do.
How do I choose between the most intense passionate love I have ever felt with the chance to be happy and the dream of my perfect family.
The writing is helping. I am calmer now.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired
I have decided I am not going to be sick anymore. I am not going to the doctor. I refuse to be fat also.
I am a new me.
I am happy.
I ride a bike and play tennis and sing and go to church and work and raise my baby.
I am happy.
I just want to be happy. I don't know what it feels like as the depression has always been there. As early as 7 I can remember it. I thought that I was just different. I know I am different in that my intelligence puts me in awkward places. I either explain to much or just jump when I think others understand. Also, my jokes are never funny. But I have always been different in other ways too.
I know my looks are different. My older sister has blue eyes. My younger sister is a blond. I felt very common with brown hair and brown eyes my whole life. Just nothing very unique about my looks. Then of course with puberty, I never got boobs. So I am average in looks, nothing unique. I work hard to maintain whatever looks I have. I have always heard even if you can not afford an expensive dress, take care of the one you have and always be clean--you will look better than those in an expensive dress that is not clean.
I have recently discovered I am also a klutz. Okay, I have always know it. It is painful to admit, but I cannot think of a single sport that I can even play. I have no coordination and I bruise easy. Most sports also involve some sort of ball coming at you which frankly I just duck and cover. I am hoping with some practice to eventually be able to control the front wheel of my bike. I think this might be the most important wheel. So really sports will give me no extra self confidence or esteem.
I guess that is where men come in. So being unhappy, averagely looks, a slight klutz and no self esteem I am quite the prize for a man out there. Hubby says no man will ever want me. Did I mention I am also quirky.
But here is the thing, I am going to be happy. I am going to be perky. Call my voice mail. My friends say it is so happy the get cavities when they listen.
I refuse to be down. I want my daughter to be raised by someone happy. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I will be happy DAMMIT (and skinny)
I am a new me.
I am happy.
I ride a bike and play tennis and sing and go to church and work and raise my baby.
I am happy.
I just want to be happy. I don't know what it feels like as the depression has always been there. As early as 7 I can remember it. I thought that I was just different. I know I am different in that my intelligence puts me in awkward places. I either explain to much or just jump when I think others understand. Also, my jokes are never funny. But I have always been different in other ways too.
I know my looks are different. My older sister has blue eyes. My younger sister is a blond. I felt very common with brown hair and brown eyes my whole life. Just nothing very unique about my looks. Then of course with puberty, I never got boobs. So I am average in looks, nothing unique. I work hard to maintain whatever looks I have. I have always heard even if you can not afford an expensive dress, take care of the one you have and always be clean--you will look better than those in an expensive dress that is not clean.
I have recently discovered I am also a klutz. Okay, I have always know it. It is painful to admit, but I cannot think of a single sport that I can even play. I have no coordination and I bruise easy. Most sports also involve some sort of ball coming at you which frankly I just duck and cover. I am hoping with some practice to eventually be able to control the front wheel of my bike. I think this might be the most important wheel. So really sports will give me no extra self confidence or esteem.
I guess that is where men come in. So being unhappy, averagely looks, a slight klutz and no self esteem I am quite the prize for a man out there. Hubby says no man will ever want me. Did I mention I am also quirky.
But here is the thing, I am going to be happy. I am going to be perky. Call my voice mail. My friends say it is so happy the get cavities when they listen.
I refuse to be down. I want my daughter to be raised by someone happy. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I will be happy DAMMIT (and skinny)
Sunday, October 19, 2008
If Your Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands
My daughter love this song. Her favorite verse is stomp your feet. She always DEMANDS we clap, stomp, wiggle along.
I guess the problem is I am not happy and I know it. I have never been happy. It has always alluded me. I see other people happy. And quite frankly, I can fake that too.
I try so hard not to let things get me down. I have read the book of Job. And it actually pisses me off so much. I keep my faith all the time. I try to look at the positive and I try to joke through the bad times.
I have dealt with the chronic pain for a long time. My favorite doctor once old me that he couldn't do anything else for me and I need to seek alternative methods. I have tried hypnosis, acupuncture, acupressure, yoga, vitamins and the list goes on. Exercise helps when I am not in too much pain.
Sometimes I don't know if the depression leads to the pain or the pain leads to the depression. Or is just being married to an asshole that doesn't understand the pain or the depression.
I guess some of it is my fault. I expected some help with the laundry. I am not well. I have an ovarian cyst and really doing laundry is painful. But he never helps with the laundry. So when I asked him to help me lift the laundry basket, I just thought he would help me fold and put it away.
I have been trying to make a marriage to the wrong man work for so long. I just don't know what to do. I think back on my life and I just can't stand the idea if losing another family. I have not seen the twins since they were 7. They are now 19 and I doubt they even remember me, I was their stepmother for three years. Hell they may not remember their father. I would love to see Sarah, Rachel, and their mother Susan, but I heard she got remarried and I don't even know how to look for them. I wonder what kind of man Preston grew up to be or if Michele went to college. Then of course there is Alyssa. I remember when she was three she licked ketchup off of one french fry always dipping the same one in the ketchup. Laude's laugh, Aileens smile, Glady's Spanish.
I was part of those families. Now because those man in my life is gone, those families are gone to me. I wonder if hubby and I separate if this is the last season of football picks for me. I assume my mother-in-law will not travel with me. I am even afraid she will move back to Virginia. I don't want to lose all those memories. I don't want to lose that wedding (btw I had finally finished the gift albums of the wedding pictures to give them--how ironic)
I don't want to lose that dream. The idea of the wife who waits for her husband faithfully to return from war. They battle the odds and have a perfect baby. Where is the picket fence. Where is the husband that has not been lost to PTSD and no is so mean.
I wanted the fantasy I wanted the dream. But for now I will keep singing and clapping my hands.
I guess the problem is I am not happy and I know it. I have never been happy. It has always alluded me. I see other people happy. And quite frankly, I can fake that too.
I try so hard not to let things get me down. I have read the book of Job. And it actually pisses me off so much. I keep my faith all the time. I try to look at the positive and I try to joke through the bad times.
I have dealt with the chronic pain for a long time. My favorite doctor once old me that he couldn't do anything else for me and I need to seek alternative methods. I have tried hypnosis, acupuncture, acupressure, yoga, vitamins and the list goes on. Exercise helps when I am not in too much pain.
Sometimes I don't know if the depression leads to the pain or the pain leads to the depression. Or is just being married to an asshole that doesn't understand the pain or the depression.
I guess some of it is my fault. I expected some help with the laundry. I am not well. I have an ovarian cyst and really doing laundry is painful. But he never helps with the laundry. So when I asked him to help me lift the laundry basket, I just thought he would help me fold and put it away.
I have been trying to make a marriage to the wrong man work for so long. I just don't know what to do. I think back on my life and I just can't stand the idea if losing another family. I have not seen the twins since they were 7. They are now 19 and I doubt they even remember me, I was their stepmother for three years. Hell they may not remember their father. I would love to see Sarah, Rachel, and their mother Susan, but I heard she got remarried and I don't even know how to look for them. I wonder what kind of man Preston grew up to be or if Michele went to college. Then of course there is Alyssa. I remember when she was three she licked ketchup off of one french fry always dipping the same one in the ketchup. Laude's laugh, Aileens smile, Glady's Spanish.
I was part of those families. Now because those man in my life is gone, those families are gone to me. I wonder if hubby and I separate if this is the last season of football picks for me. I assume my mother-in-law will not travel with me. I am even afraid she will move back to Virginia. I don't want to lose all those memories. I don't want to lose that wedding (btw I had finally finished the gift albums of the wedding pictures to give them--how ironic)
I don't want to lose that dream. The idea of the wife who waits for her husband faithfully to return from war. They battle the odds and have a perfect baby. Where is the picket fence. Where is the husband that has not been lost to PTSD and no is so mean.
I wanted the fantasy I wanted the dream. But for now I will keep singing and clapping my hands.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Southwest Airlines will Save your life
Most of my friends and co-workers are frequent fliers. In fact, most of us can repeat the aircraft warnings, and will have our eye masks on, ear plugs in and sleeping pills swallowed before the stew can mention where the seat cushion that can be used as a flotation device is even located. That being said, today I learned a valuable lesson about putting on your own face mask before helping those around you.
Today, I took a long hot bath, with eucalyptus spearmint bubbles, a hot oil treatment for my hair, a sugar scrub for my face and a lavender body scrub. I even did my nails. It was amazing. I was so relaxed. It was the first time in a long time I just pampered myself.
I felt so good I even cooked dinner. I made chicken tortellini with vodka sauce, spinach mushroom olive salad, fresh garlic bread and strawberries with chocolate for dessert. I guess I am a great cook when I am relaxed and not rushed.
So today I learned that if I put the mask on myself--pamper myself, I can be a better mother.
Today, I took a long hot bath, with eucalyptus spearmint bubbles, a hot oil treatment for my hair, a sugar scrub for my face and a lavender body scrub. I even did my nails. It was amazing. I was so relaxed. It was the first time in a long time I just pampered myself.
I felt so good I even cooked dinner. I made chicken tortellini with vodka sauce, spinach mushroom olive salad, fresh garlic bread and strawberries with chocolate for dessert. I guess I am a great cook when I am relaxed and not rushed.
So today I learned that if I put the mask on myself--pamper myself, I can be a better mother.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Day Two
Well this blog is not totally going to be about riding my bike, but this is monumental.
I got on the bike again!! Twice!
So I went riding again. I went down a four lane street. And I realized so many things. I think they should have sold me a few extra things. I really need a big sign for my back that says BEGINNER. I would also like to have blinkers so people can tell when I am trying to turn.
I learned that from a smart friend that it is okay to walk your bike if you are wary of the trail. I walked my bike across the busy intersection. After I got across the intersection, my chain popped off and I fell into the intersection. I have a bruised shoulder, scraped knee, and two scraped palms. I broke the clip off my cell phone, but all in all I am okay.
I was a little shaken. A car stopped and asked if I was okay. I said yes. I popped the chain back on and then tried to figure out how to "get back on the horse." I got on the sidewalk, but then I tried to get back on the street and the chain popped again. I didn't cry, I thought about it, but I didn't. I went down the back roads back to the house. As I tried to cross the big street again, I realized I don't have rear view mirrors. I made it.
My fingers are numb from griping the bike or leaning on my hands or something, but I still feel exhilarated. I like riding and the "me time."
I got on the bike again!! Twice!
So I went riding again. I went down a four lane street. And I realized so many things. I think they should have sold me a few extra things. I really need a big sign for my back that says BEGINNER. I would also like to have blinkers so people can tell when I am trying to turn.
I learned that from a smart friend that it is okay to walk your bike if you are wary of the trail. I walked my bike across the busy intersection. After I got across the intersection, my chain popped off and I fell into the intersection. I have a bruised shoulder, scraped knee, and two scraped palms. I broke the clip off my cell phone, but all in all I am okay.
I was a little shaken. A car stopped and asked if I was okay. I said yes. I popped the chain back on and then tried to figure out how to "get back on the horse." I got on the sidewalk, but then I tried to get back on the street and the chain popped again. I didn't cry, I thought about it, but I didn't. I went down the back roads back to the house. As I tried to cross the big street again, I realized I don't have rear view mirrors. I made it.
My fingers are numb from griping the bike or leaning on my hands or something, but I still feel exhilarated. I like riding and the "me time."
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Vanity Thy Name is Woman
Kudos to the first person to correct my title. But I like it better than the original quote. And here is why. I bought a bike today!!! I am planning to learn to ride, get good, and enter some race that I don't have to run......
You see, I am trying new things. I was playing handbells, but I am convinced the bass clef bells could give me breast cancer, or a torn muscle as the mamogram proved. I have been working on tennis, but it is so hard to get into my schedule.
Back to the vanity part. Who thought that stretching lycra with enough padding for diaper for a two year old to make it through the night was going to be flattering. That much lycra belongs in a gurdle under the clothing! Two phrases: Mooseknuckle and Cameltoe. I thought it would at least hide some of the cottage cheese I like to call my thighs but no such luck!!
More on the vanity............I have a really cute helmet. However, helmet head sucks. For a woman who believes her best features are her smile and her hair basically, 50% has just been flushed down the toilet!!!
This is where I would like to add a picture. Hubby was so kind. I tried to explain what I wanted. An anonymous shot of me riding from the back. What I meant to say was "honey, please take a picture for my secret blog that you don't know about because mainly I use it to bitch about you, oh and don't show my face." What I got was some video clips that he does not know how to get out of his phone which doesn't matter because I am pretty sure I don't know how to up load it here anyway.
I only went around the four streets in my neighborhood for about 45 minutes. I was sure I needed to use those hand turn signal my. I even remember the signals from elementary school. However, I just kept thinking if I am a Southern girl who never uses a turn signal in a car, do I really need to try now especially when it involves removing my hands from one of the handle bars. This is a skill I will learn later or at least to signal when I am going to crash so I don't get hit!!
While riding up and down the torturous hills of my neighborhood, (Okay, they are not even a steep incline it is more just not-so-level-pavement) I found great fear in the brakes. Taking your foot off the gas in a car will slow you down. Not so with a bike. Plus I was terrified to use the left brake. I was so scared I would flip and do a face-plant. I KNOW my right brakes will wear out first. I just don't think a face plant will do my vanity any good.
I also learned why teenagers on cell phones driving 84 Buick Sabre's are scary. I don't think she even saw me, I had no horn, and really no control to get out of her way. I felt like a game of chicken gone way wrong.
All in all a good experience. I didn't crash...........well I put up the kick stand and the bike fell over. It scraped it up and broke a reflector. Hubby said kick stands are a piece of shit, we'll take yours off....hahahahah... I paid extra for it!
I really enjoyed the help I got picking the bike out. It is good to talk to someone who knows what they are talking about. Especially if they are a good looking guy!!
As I finished I put the bike in the garage so that it would not get stolen. I parked it right next to my roller blades that I have not used it about 4 years..............hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
You see, I am trying new things. I was playing handbells, but I am convinced the bass clef bells could give me breast cancer, or a torn muscle as the mamogram proved. I have been working on tennis, but it is so hard to get into my schedule.
Back to the vanity part. Who thought that stretching lycra with enough padding for diaper for a two year old to make it through the night was going to be flattering. That much lycra belongs in a gurdle under the clothing! Two phrases: Mooseknuckle and Cameltoe. I thought it would at least hide some of the cottage cheese I like to call my thighs but no such luck!!
More on the vanity............I have a really cute helmet. However, helmet head sucks. For a woman who believes her best features are her smile and her hair basically, 50% has just been flushed down the toilet!!!
This is where I would like to add a picture. Hubby was so kind. I tried to explain what I wanted. An anonymous shot of me riding from the back. What I meant to say was "honey, please take a picture for my secret blog that you don't know about because mainly I use it to bitch about you, oh and don't show my face." What I got was some video clips that he does not know how to get out of his phone which doesn't matter because I am pretty sure I don't know how to up load it here anyway.
I only went around the four streets in my neighborhood for about 45 minutes. I was sure I needed to use those hand turn signal my. I even remember the signals from elementary school. However, I just kept thinking if I am a Southern girl who never uses a turn signal in a car, do I really need to try now especially when it involves removing my hands from one of the handle bars. This is a skill I will learn later or at least to signal when I am going to crash so I don't get hit!!
While riding up and down the torturous hills of my neighborhood, (Okay, they are not even a steep incline it is more just not-so-level-pavement) I found great fear in the brakes. Taking your foot off the gas in a car will slow you down. Not so with a bike. Plus I was terrified to use the left brake. I was so scared I would flip and do a face-plant. I KNOW my right brakes will wear out first. I just don't think a face plant will do my vanity any good.
I also learned why teenagers on cell phones driving 84 Buick Sabre's are scary. I don't think she even saw me, I had no horn, and really no control to get out of her way. I felt like a game of chicken gone way wrong.
All in all a good experience. I didn't crash...........well I put up the kick stand and the bike fell over. It scraped it up and broke a reflector. Hubby said kick stands are a piece of shit, we'll take yours off....hahahahah... I paid extra for it!
I really enjoyed the help I got picking the bike out. It is good to talk to someone who knows what they are talking about. Especially if they are a good looking guy!!
As I finished I put the bike in the garage so that it would not get stolen. I parked it right next to my roller blades that I have not used it about 4 years..............hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Friday, October 10, 2008
Two People in Love
There is a great new song about a country wedding. All the family is there and it says the catering is covered dish.
I think life is about family. This week I have discovered that family can make you tired, but really, they have to love you know matter what. I have been driving 25 miles everyday to take care of my Grandmother. She is a very wonderful woman and very gracious. All my life, my mother has said things like "don't put anything in writing you wouldn't want your Grandmother to read." or "Follow your Grandmother, she knows the right fork." (we could eat chicken with our fingers if she did) I hope to learn from my Grandmother to make the best of things the way she does and be happy.
My great-grandmother, we called Granny Duvall, her mother, was also an incredible woman. She made me a china doll. She hand fired it in her own kiln and every stitch of the dress is hand stitched. She was a very active woman and drove well into her 80s to take the old ladies in town to church! Grandmother and I have swapped the same old stories this week about her!!
Sometimes, I am accused of putting my family ahead of myself and my nuclear family. I don't know how to judge that, but I love my family. My Daddy will promise me the moon, and if he could he really would give it to me. My mother is the only person in the world that I know for sure will always love me and no matter what I do she is there.
I think the point of the song is that Two People in Love can bring the family back together, heal old wounds and begin a new family with the traditions of love.
I think life is about family. This week I have discovered that family can make you tired, but really, they have to love you know matter what. I have been driving 25 miles everyday to take care of my Grandmother. She is a very wonderful woman and very gracious. All my life, my mother has said things like "don't put anything in writing you wouldn't want your Grandmother to read." or "Follow your Grandmother, she knows the right fork." (we could eat chicken with our fingers if she did) I hope to learn from my Grandmother to make the best of things the way she does and be happy.
My great-grandmother, we called Granny Duvall, her mother, was also an incredible woman. She made me a china doll. She hand fired it in her own kiln and every stitch of the dress is hand stitched. She was a very active woman and drove well into her 80s to take the old ladies in town to church! Grandmother and I have swapped the same old stories this week about her!!
Sometimes, I am accused of putting my family ahead of myself and my nuclear family. I don't know how to judge that, but I love my family. My Daddy will promise me the moon, and if he could he really would give it to me. My mother is the only person in the world that I know for sure will always love me and no matter what I do she is there.
I think the point of the song is that Two People in Love can bring the family back together, heal old wounds and begin a new family with the traditions of love.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Trust
Trust is a tricky thing. I guess most intangible feelings are.
My daughter trusts me completely. She really doesn't have a choice but to trust me. Although, she will jump off something and so completely trusts that I will catch her she doesn't even look.
Hubby trusts me to pay the bills and do the taxes. (I trust the accountant to get the taxes right.)
I trust when I flip the switch the light will come on.
The funny thing about trust is until it is tested you don't know you don't have it. You can believe you trust. You can think you trust. But until it is tested.......you don't know how strong it is.
Trust is something earned over time. I know who in my family I can trust. And they all know they can trust me.
I think I try to trust people until there is a reason not to trust them any more. I have been working on that. I want to believe that deep down people are good. I am trying so hard to trust.
My Parents trust so freely. Basically, they have only been burned a few times in their lives. I think from now on, I am going to try that. Trust more and question less.
I hope it will make me happier
My daughter trusts me completely. She really doesn't have a choice but to trust me. Although, she will jump off something and so completely trusts that I will catch her she doesn't even look.
Hubby trusts me to pay the bills and do the taxes. (I trust the accountant to get the taxes right.)
I trust when I flip the switch the light will come on.
The funny thing about trust is until it is tested you don't know you don't have it. You can believe you trust. You can think you trust. But until it is tested.......you don't know how strong it is.
Trust is something earned over time. I know who in my family I can trust. And they all know they can trust me.
I think I try to trust people until there is a reason not to trust them any more. I have been working on that. I want to believe that deep down people are good. I am trying so hard to trust.
My Parents trust so freely. Basically, they have only been burned a few times in their lives. I think from now on, I am going to try that. Trust more and question less.
I hope it will make me happier
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
What I learned while doing my taxes
Today, I decided to sweep out my garage and then clean out my refrigerator. You see, 6 months ago, I filed for an extension and swore I would have them done the next day. So here I am up to my eyeballs in receipts and checkbook registers and I decide I need to play "Where is that smell coming from?????"
Here are some things I learned while cleaning out the refrigerator:
Here are some things I learned while cleaning out the refrigerator:
- Yes, Mom, yogurt can go bad
- Cool Whip molds greenish black on the top, but red on the bottom. Random you say, no I tested it on two tubs
- If there are leftovers from Tuesday night's meatloaf surprise in August, don't be surprised in October they are still there
- Don't just check the date on the Velveeta cheese, if it is not open, check the year, too
- Lettuce actually gets runny after it wilts--like water
- Old broccoli gives the garbage disposal gas just like people
- Really, seriously, the arm and hammer baking soda does need to be changed often
- Toaster leavings in the butter grow green flowers
- If it is not easily identifiable, probably not good to sniff it either
- I don't like cottage cheese nearly as often as I buy it
- Believe it or not, the milk was still good!!!
Creative avoidance really is my forte. In fact, my house is never so clean as when I need to do the taxes or write an article or make a powerpoint. I like to think it is healthy to clean, not just sleeping and skipping the work, but working hard!
All in all, not a bad venture only took 30 minutes or so. Even rinsed out the vegetable drawers. In fact while I was rinsing, my accountant called. I have until Thursday morning to get the Fedex to him. I think will go clean under the stove.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
What If
So this Melissa Lawson chick apparently the mother of 5 wins Nashville Star and gets her dream.
I have had so many dreams. Daddy, do you remember I wanted to be the first president of the US? I also really want to be Reba. I don't know if it just her read hair or feisty personality but add that to her great voice and BANG I am a big fan!! I remember watching her win the Grammy for "When whoever's in New England" Mom has always said I have a "nice" voice. I enjoy singing, but I won't be quitting my day job. I don't remember every saying to myself gee when I grow up I want to be a librarian......but well it is kinda cool. Now that I just work with them and don't have to listen to NPR because I am such a bad liberal, I like librarians even more!!
This is Melissa's song. I like the words. I like the idea that What if ...........
What if that road that you're taking's a dead end
What if love leaves you all jaded and broken
What if that limb breaks you're climbing out on yeah,
What if it all goes wrong
But, what if it all goes right
what if it all works out
what if the stars line up
and good luck rains down
what if you chase your dreams
and it changes your whole life
Yeah, what if it all goes right
What if that road is a beautiful slow drive
what if that love ends up lasting a life time
what if that limb holds you, oak tree strong
what if this time nothing goes wrong
Could this be the time that it all goes right for me?
I have had so many dreams. Daddy, do you remember I wanted to be the first president of the US? I also really want to be Reba. I don't know if it just her read hair or feisty personality but add that to her great voice and BANG I am a big fan!! I remember watching her win the Grammy for "When whoever's in New England" Mom has always said I have a "nice" voice. I enjoy singing, but I won't be quitting my day job. I don't remember every saying to myself gee when I grow up I want to be a librarian......but well it is kinda cool. Now that I just work with them and don't have to listen to NPR because I am such a bad liberal, I like librarians even more!!
This is Melissa's song. I like the words. I like the idea that What if ...........
What if that road that you're taking's a dead end
What if love leaves you all jaded and broken
What if that limb breaks you're climbing out on yeah,
What if it all goes wrong
But, what if it all goes right
what if it all works out
what if the stars line up
and good luck rains down
what if you chase your dreams
and it changes your whole life
Yeah, what if it all goes right
What if that road is a beautiful slow drive
what if that love ends up lasting a life time
what if that limb holds you, oak tree strong
what if this time nothing goes wrong
Could this be the time that it all goes right for me?
Thursday, October 2, 2008
My Stash
Chocolate is a very important food group for me. I sometimes go off chocolate the way some people go off caffeine or sugar or carbs. I can do it. I mean I don't have to have it. I can give it up any time I want. I don't have to have it.
Okay that is such a big lie. I can go for days, but well I would never be able to go totally without chocolate. I have given it up for 46 days for Lent. BUT I love chocolate. I have researched chocolate, but I am not one of those chocolate snobs. I don't dig the dark and look for the higher percentages but I do know what most of the markings on the tops of the candies mean.
I like fruit covered chocolate, too. I love chocolate covered strawberries. Mmmm I love orange chocolate, too.
For years, I have kept a stash of chocolate in my night stand. Usually, I have a back-up stash in my undie drawer just in case.
Tonight, I am out. OUT. NO CHOCOLATE IN THE HOUSE ANYWHERE. OUT OUT!!!!
My undie stash disappeared a long time ago. I didn't want to put it in the new dresser. My night stand stash, well once my daughter found out, she would ask for it. She says it with an accent the middle syllable. Mommy, I want choCOlate. please.......... I can never tell her no.
I had a box of my favs, whitman's sampler, but I finished it this morning. I just went downstairs and there is nothing...nothing...no chocolate anywhere. Not even any chocolate chips frozen in the fridge.
I don't know if this is worth a midnight run to the store, but I am seriously considering it.
********UPDATE********
All chocoholics must go and try the new Market Street mini eclairs in the frozen foods at Wal-Mart. If you can eat them frozen, your stash is automatically protected and believe me VERY worth it!!
Okay that is such a big lie. I can go for days, but well I would never be able to go totally without chocolate. I have given it up for 46 days for Lent. BUT I love chocolate. I have researched chocolate, but I am not one of those chocolate snobs. I don't dig the dark and look for the higher percentages but I do know what most of the markings on the tops of the candies mean.
I like fruit covered chocolate, too. I love chocolate covered strawberries. Mmmm I love orange chocolate, too.
For years, I have kept a stash of chocolate in my night stand. Usually, I have a back-up stash in my undie drawer just in case.
Tonight, I am out. OUT. NO CHOCOLATE IN THE HOUSE ANYWHERE. OUT OUT!!!!
My undie stash disappeared a long time ago. I didn't want to put it in the new dresser. My night stand stash, well once my daughter found out, she would ask for it. She says it with an accent the middle syllable. Mommy, I want choCOlate. please.......... I can never tell her no.
I had a box of my favs, whitman's sampler, but I finished it this morning. I just went downstairs and there is nothing...nothing...no chocolate anywhere. Not even any chocolate chips frozen in the fridge.
I don't know if this is worth a midnight run to the store, but I am seriously considering it.
********UPDATE********
All chocoholics must go and try the new Market Street mini eclairs in the frozen foods at Wal-Mart. If you can eat them frozen, your stash is automatically protected and believe me VERY worth it!!
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