Runaway

When I was a kid, I ran away from home a lot. The funny thing is, no one ever noticed. I guess I was too sneaky. Or maybe it was that I gave up too soon. I remember once, I ran away and it was snowing. Not really a good idea when you are from Texas. I put on my only pair of boots at the time which had high heels and took off in the biggest drifts I had seen in my life. We don't get a lot of snow, so I wasn't really gone very long. Like I said, no one noticed.

I often would take off and then realize I didn't have a plan. Where do you go when you are 13? How do you get a job, a car, a place to live. I didn't really know about bills back then, so I wasn't too worried about money. But I really worried about sleeping.

There was one park I ran away to probably more than anywhere else. It is still there. I would go and sit on the swings and swing as high as I could. I would jump out and then lay in the grass and look at the clouds. I wanted to be anywhere but where I was. I would dream of being rich, or famous. Probably famous the most. I always wanted to be famous.

I did not have a bad childhood. My parents are both great. I love them both and I am very close to them. I think all the good parts of me come from them. I love my sisters. I mean really I have nothing to complain about. We weren't wealthy, but we never went hungry. We were always clean. My parents are kind and loving. I was just always miserable. I never fit in. I was always almost cool or pretty or whatever it was the other kids were. I just wasn't.

I wanted to run away last week. In fact I did. Funny, no one noticed!! I went home because of my daughter. I would never ever ever really leave her. I know that the want to escape and run away is a symptom of verbally abused women. I would never leave my daughter here alone without me to help her. I love her so much. If I ever really ran away I would take her with me.

I was so lucky to have someone talk me out of running away. Tell me to go home. To notice. I am very grateful for that.

Once, when I ran away I was walking down a busy street across from a cemetery. It is really close to the park I always ran to. There is a bridge on that street. I stood up on the railing and a car passed that honked. Some teenagers yelled at me "jump!" I thought about it. But it looked like I might live through it and it would really hurt if I did!!

Today, my pastor told me about someone close to him who committed suicide. I actually never met her, but we worked at the same place, so I knew of her. He told me how she was an atheist. He told me how sad it made him when she said she was in such agony that suicide would be a release from her pain. He had no idea how I wanted that release from pain for so long. He didn't realize he was even ministering to me and my pain. However, I don't believe there is nothing when we are gone the way this woman does. I believe in Heaven. So I think I am not scared of death. I want to have the pain stop. But I also took on a responsibility as a mother. I can not leave her with a mother who killed herself.

I think I am doing so much better. It has been a year. Well October 27th is one year since I found out. I still want to runaway. But I am still here.