Jack Nicholson is not one of my favorite actors. In fact, he really creeps me out. I don't like this movie. I get the shivers thinking of Helen Hunt sleeping with Jack Nicholson ewwww.
But this movie is good. It has a message. What if this is as good as it gets? What if this really is all that there is?
How do we
Thursday, September 25, 2008
My favorite poem
My freshman year in college, I had to read a "chorepoem" by Ntozake Shange. I am not really into poetry or how to analyze or do expositions or whatever, but I always liked part of this one.
Maybe, it was because it was the first time I ever saw cuss words in writing. Maybe it was because I got to say them out loud. Maybe it was because I got to talk about them and it was officially okay. I don't know, but the poem has stuck with me. It is called "For Colored Girls Who have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf"
Like I said, I don't really know how to analyze it. Obviously, I am not "Colored" but I am a woman and somehow even though I know I don't understand what she is writing, it always speaks to me.
My favorite part is the lady in green discussing "somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff"
It is written in all lower case with no punctuation except for slashes at the end of sentences. Here are my favorite sentences:
Maybe, it was because it was the first time I ever saw cuss words in writing. Maybe it was because I got to say them out loud. Maybe it was because I got to talk about them and it was officially okay. I don't know, but the poem has stuck with me. It is called "For Colored Girls Who have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf"
Like I said, I don't really know how to analyze it. Obviously, I am not "Colored" but I am a woman and somehow even though I know I don't understand what she is writing, it always speaks to me.
My favorite part is the lady in green discussing "somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff"
It is written in all lower case with no punctuation except for slashes at the end of sentences. Here are my favorite sentences:
- i gotta have to give to my choice/without you running off wit alla my shit
- stealin my shit from me/dont make it yrs/makes it stolen
- waz a lover/i made too much room for/
- & i'm shoutin this is mine/&he dont know he got it
- if it's really my stuff/ya gotta give it to me/if ya really want it/i'm the only one/can handle it
I think somehow I always give men too much power over me. I let them hurt my heart. I think I will trust just one more time. And then they try to walk away wid alla my stuff. Even though this poem hurts, I think I have to learn not to let someone have alla my stuff. Not let someone take my shit.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Play-Doh
I have never been one to mix my play-doh colors. I always opened one can at a time. I would finish then put it back in the can and get out another one. I saw the commercials. I knew if I would mix them I could have better looking dogs or cookies or whatever, but I refused to mix. I also wanted my projects to be the right colors. Clouds blue. Grass green. I was soooooooo OCD!!
My Grandmother had a giant can, like the size of Crisco, of red play-doh. I didn't have to worry about the mixing of colors. She had a little bench with two shelves. We pretended the bottom shelf was the oven. My Grandmother was always a good sport and "ate" our creations.
I guess I should not have been surprised when my daughter's teacher told me she loves play-doh. Naturally, the next time I was at Toy's R Us, I found a big canister with 20 colors and all kinds of shape cutters and most importantly, the fun factory!!! She LOVES play-doh. We play almost everyday. She loves the shapes, she loves to squish, she loves to take the spaghetti and put it on her head for hair. The loves the feel of the coolness of the play-doh against her cheek. She likes the smell of it and I haven't seen her do it, but I am sure she loves the taste!!
My daughter has so much fun. And it is so carefree. She can make a pink dolphin. She can make a green cupcake. She can roll out snakes or make spiders with a million legs. She has purple hot dogs with green buns--which requires mixing colors. I actually made a gingerbread man with a pink head, a green body and brown legs.......I thought hubby and my M in Law would faint when they realized I mixed colors.
My daughter is teaching me so much!!! I think she has taught me how to be more carefree and enjoy the freedom of mixing play-doh in life.
My Grandmother had a giant can, like the size of Crisco, of red play-doh. I didn't have to worry about the mixing of colors. She had a little bench with two shelves. We pretended the bottom shelf was the oven. My Grandmother was always a good sport and "ate" our creations.
I guess I should not have been surprised when my daughter's teacher told me she loves play-doh. Naturally, the next time I was at Toy's R Us, I found a big canister with 20 colors and all kinds of shape cutters and most importantly, the fun factory!!! She LOVES play-doh. We play almost everyday. She loves the shapes, she loves to squish, she loves to take the spaghetti and put it on her head for hair. The loves the feel of the coolness of the play-doh against her cheek. She likes the smell of it and I haven't seen her do it, but I am sure she loves the taste!!
My daughter has so much fun. And it is so carefree. She can make a pink dolphin. She can make a green cupcake. She can roll out snakes or make spiders with a million legs. She has purple hot dogs with green buns--which requires mixing colors. I actually made a gingerbread man with a pink head, a green body and brown legs.......I thought hubby and my M in Law would faint when they realized I mixed colors.
My daughter is teaching me so much!!! I think she has taught me how to be more carefree and enjoy the freedom of mixing play-doh in life.
Summertime!!
Today it was not hot!! I was so surprised and I realized that summer has gone. I have now lived through 40 Texas summers. I won't lie, the heat is unbelievable, but being a Texan is worth it. I know right now the Yankees are having Autumn and beautiful leaves. We still have 90 degrees. They have four distinct seasons.... we have three....hot, hotter, hottest.
I have so many great summer memories. When I was a kid, we went camping every summer. We went to so many places, and some how, it was always dark and raining when we huddled in the car watching Mom and Dad put up the tent. I learned all the cuss words I needed watching them put up the tent. We stayed in state parks all over the country. Of course, I was not allowed to wash my hair in the cold water only showers. So every few days we went to a truck stop and Mom would pay for me to use the trucker's showers!!
I also remember all the times at the local pool. My older sister always put my hair in two braids with vaseline on the tips to protect my hair from the chlorine. We would stay all day. I loved eating a Zero bar with the white chocolate. I love the smell of those bars and Hawaiian Tropic. We always went across town to the McDonald pool instead of the Vanston.
I always went to summer camp, too. Why is it that the cabins are always at the bottom of the hill and the cafeteria at the top of the hill? I felt like I would die before I got to the top every meal. A few years when it was particularly hot, they would line us all up to take our temperatures and get salt pills. I remember Jimmy leaving from heat stroke at church camp.
Then there were the summers at our house. Because of my back problems, the pool was a tax write off for my parents. We layed out with Crisco on tin foil to get tanned. I think the first summer we spent closed to 20 hours in the pool a day. We would come inside and make homemade snow cones by crushing ice and putting Kool-Aid on them. My sisters and I made up so many games in the pool.
With all those great memories, I think this year has been the best. This year I have gotten to watch my daughter learn so much about summer. She loves the water. She loves to splash and experiment. Last year, she floated in the pool, but this year, I got to watch her play naked with her best friend running through the Dora Sprinkler. They would not get out of the sprinkler until they were both blue and completely shaking. We took her to the Dallas Aquarium. The fish were okay, but the fountain..........she ran and played. Then we ate snow cones. She had blue syrup everywhere. She loves to play. She planted vinca in pots in the front yard and she loves to go outside and water them because they are "thirsty"
Today, as one of the last days of summer, we played with the hose and sprinkler. She watered the plants. She was soooo cold soaking wet..........she would not come in!! Finally, she picked up her watering can that I had just emptied. She tried to pour out water and when nothing came out she looked inside the watering can. That memory is something I want in my mind's picture forever. I want to remember that curiosity. That look on her face. The way her wet hair plastered to her face but still curled. The sunshine coming from behind her lighting up her profile. This will be my favorite memory until next year!!
I have so many great summer memories. When I was a kid, we went camping every summer. We went to so many places, and some how, it was always dark and raining when we huddled in the car watching Mom and Dad put up the tent. I learned all the cuss words I needed watching them put up the tent. We stayed in state parks all over the country. Of course, I was not allowed to wash my hair in the cold water only showers. So every few days we went to a truck stop and Mom would pay for me to use the trucker's showers!!
I also remember all the times at the local pool. My older sister always put my hair in two braids with vaseline on the tips to protect my hair from the chlorine. We would stay all day. I loved eating a Zero bar with the white chocolate. I love the smell of those bars and Hawaiian Tropic. We always went across town to the McDonald pool instead of the Vanston.
I always went to summer camp, too. Why is it that the cabins are always at the bottom of the hill and the cafeteria at the top of the hill? I felt like I would die before I got to the top every meal. A few years when it was particularly hot, they would line us all up to take our temperatures and get salt pills. I remember Jimmy leaving from heat stroke at church camp.
Then there were the summers at our house. Because of my back problems, the pool was a tax write off for my parents. We layed out with Crisco on tin foil to get tanned. I think the first summer we spent closed to 20 hours in the pool a day. We would come inside and make homemade snow cones by crushing ice and putting Kool-Aid on them. My sisters and I made up so many games in the pool.
With all those great memories, I think this year has been the best. This year I have gotten to watch my daughter learn so much about summer. She loves the water. She loves to splash and experiment. Last year, she floated in the pool, but this year, I got to watch her play naked with her best friend running through the Dora Sprinkler. They would not get out of the sprinkler until they were both blue and completely shaking. We took her to the Dallas Aquarium. The fish were okay, but the fountain..........she ran and played. Then we ate snow cones. She had blue syrup everywhere. She loves to play. She planted vinca in pots in the front yard and she loves to go outside and water them because they are "thirsty"
Today, as one of the last days of summer, we played with the hose and sprinkler. She watered the plants. She was soooo cold soaking wet..........she would not come in!! Finally, she picked up her watering can that I had just emptied. She tried to pour out water and when nothing came out she looked inside the watering can. That memory is something I want in my mind's picture forever. I want to remember that curiosity. That look on her face. The way her wet hair plastered to her face but still curled. The sunshine coming from behind her lighting up her profile. This will be my favorite memory until next year!!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
The Well
I climbed into the bucket
to go down the well
I wanted some water
The well calls to me
I lower myself down
hand over hand
the rope is rough
The well calls to me
I get colder
it seems darker
The light is further away
The well calls to me
I go down deeper
where is the water
I am thirsty
The well calls to me
Just one small sip
I need some water
The cool water will soothe me
The well calls to me
I keep going lower
it is so dark
I cannot see out
The well calls to me
The rope burns my skin
my hands are tearing
I cling to the rope
The well calls to me
Should I keep going
Should I hold on
How far down is the water
The well calls to me
I shout out
No one can hear me
and still no water
The well calls to me
I let go of the rope
I begin to fall
at last I have found the water
The well calls to me
I have no rope
I cannot stop
the water envelopes me
The well calls to me
I am cold
it is dark
I start to be calm
The well calls to me
I am under the water
I cannot see
I cannot feel
The well calls to me
I do not have the strength
to swim back up
I just want the peace
The well calls to me
to go down the well
I wanted some water
The well calls to me
I lower myself down
hand over hand
the rope is rough
The well calls to me
I get colder
it seems darker
The light is further away
The well calls to me
I go down deeper
where is the water
I am thirsty
The well calls to me
Just one small sip
I need some water
The cool water will soothe me
The well calls to me
I keep going lower
it is so dark
I cannot see out
The well calls to me
The rope burns my skin
my hands are tearing
I cling to the rope
The well calls to me
Should I keep going
Should I hold on
How far down is the water
The well calls to me
I shout out
No one can hear me
and still no water
The well calls to me
I let go of the rope
I begin to fall
at last I have found the water
The well calls to me
I have no rope
I cannot stop
the water envelopes me
The well calls to me
I am cold
it is dark
I start to be calm
The well calls to me
I am under the water
I cannot see
I cannot feel
The well calls to me
I do not have the strength
to swim back up
I just want the peace
The well calls to me
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Open a New Window
So, how did I name this blog what's the deal-ie-o!
In high school I was in the chorus in the musical Mame. I didn't have a named part or speaking role, but I had the most fun of my life!!!! I met a guy and fell in love.......................well in love for someone in high school!!
But truly the words to the musical or maybe just the idea of Mame have stuck with me since. The song "Open a New Window" is how I want to live my life. I want to look for the extra. I want to experience the more. I know you can't make the bubbles stay, you have to make new ones.
Mom has a plaque on her wall, well I don't know if she still has it since they have moved, but it says:
Whenever God closes a door he opens a window.
I think something like that anyway. I guess my point is that there has got to be more than one way to do something and there is always hope.
Lately, my life has been well topsy-turvy. But I am learning to find new ways to be happy. I am opening my mind to possibilities that I can be happy, just not the American Dream way.
Mame was a Yankee that learned how to make the Southerners like her. I want to be able to use my own laughter and enthusiasm to charm others and help spread happiness, too. She made the cotton easy to pick. And according to my Grandmother that is no small feat!!
I want to Give the World's Mint Julep a Kick!! I want to travel a new highway and Open a new window EVERYDAY!!!!!
In high school I was in the chorus in the musical Mame. I didn't have a named part or speaking role, but I had the most fun of my life!!!! I met a guy and fell in love.......................well in love for someone in high school!!
But truly the words to the musical or maybe just the idea of Mame have stuck with me since. The song "Open a New Window" is how I want to live my life. I want to look for the extra. I want to experience the more. I know you can't make the bubbles stay, you have to make new ones.
Mom has a plaque on her wall, well I don't know if she still has it since they have moved, but it says:
Whenever God closes a door he opens a window.
I think something like that anyway. I guess my point is that there has got to be more than one way to do something and there is always hope.
Lately, my life has been well topsy-turvy. But I am learning to find new ways to be happy. I am opening my mind to possibilities that I can be happy, just not the American Dream way.
Mame was a Yankee that learned how to make the Southerners like her. I want to be able to use my own laughter and enthusiasm to charm others and help spread happiness, too. She made the cotton easy to pick. And according to my Grandmother that is no small feat!!
I want to Give the World's Mint Julep a Kick!! I want to travel a new highway and Open a new window EVERYDAY!!!!!
Runaway
When I was a kid, I ran away from home a lot. The funny thing is, no one ever noticed. I guess I was too sneaky. Or maybe it was that I gave up too soon. I remember once, I ran away and it was snowing. Not really a good idea when you are from Texas. I put on my only pair of boots at the time which had high heels and took off in the biggest drifts I had seen in my life. We don't get a lot of snow, so I wasn't really gone very long. Like I said, no one noticed.
I often would take off and then realize I didn't have a plan. Where do you go when you are 13? How do you get a job, a car, a place to live. I didn't really know about bills back then, so I wasn't too worried about money. But I really worried about sleeping.
There was one park I ran away to probably more than anywhere else. It is still there. I would go and sit on the swings and swing as high as I could. I would jump out and then lay in the grass and look at the clouds. I wanted to be anywhere but where I was. I would dream of being rich, or famous. Probably famous the most. I always wanted to be famous.
I did not have a bad childhood. My parents are both great. I love them both and I am very close to them. I think all the good parts of me come from them. I love my sisters. I mean really I have nothing to complain about. We weren't wealthy, but we never went hungry. We were always clean. My parents are kind and loving. I was just always miserable. I never fit in. I was always almost cool or pretty or whatever it was the other kids were. I just wasn't.
I wanted to run away last week. In fact I did. Funny, no one noticed!! I went home because of my daughter. I would never ever ever really leave her. I know that the want to escape and run away is a symptom of verbally abused women. I would never leave my daughter here alone without me to help her. I love her so much. If I ever really ran away I would take her with me.
I was so lucky to have someone talk me out of running away. Tell me to go home. To notice. I am very grateful for that.
Once, when I ran away I was walking down a busy street across from a cemetery. It is really close to the park I always ran to. There is a bridge on that street. I stood up on the railing and a car passed that honked. Some teenagers yelled at me "jump!" I thought about it. But it looked like I might live through it and it would really hurt if I did!!
Today, my pastor told me about someone close to him who committed suicide. I actually never met her, but we worked at the same place, so I knew of her. He told me how she was an atheist. He told me how sad it made him when she said she was in such agony that suicide would be a release from her pain. He had no idea how I wanted that release from pain for so long. He didn't realize he was even ministering to me and my pain. However, I don't believe there is nothing when we are gone the way this woman does. I believe in Heaven. So I think I am not scared of death. I want to have the pain stop. But I also took on a responsibility as a mother. I can not leave her with a mother who killed herself.
I think I am doing so much better. It has been a year. Well October 27th is one year since I found out. I still want to runaway. But I am still here.
I often would take off and then realize I didn't have a plan. Where do you go when you are 13? How do you get a job, a car, a place to live. I didn't really know about bills back then, so I wasn't too worried about money. But I really worried about sleeping.
There was one park I ran away to probably more than anywhere else. It is still there. I would go and sit on the swings and swing as high as I could. I would jump out and then lay in the grass and look at the clouds. I wanted to be anywhere but where I was. I would dream of being rich, or famous. Probably famous the most. I always wanted to be famous.
I did not have a bad childhood. My parents are both great. I love them both and I am very close to them. I think all the good parts of me come from them. I love my sisters. I mean really I have nothing to complain about. We weren't wealthy, but we never went hungry. We were always clean. My parents are kind and loving. I was just always miserable. I never fit in. I was always almost cool or pretty or whatever it was the other kids were. I just wasn't.
I wanted to run away last week. In fact I did. Funny, no one noticed!! I went home because of my daughter. I would never ever ever really leave her. I know that the want to escape and run away is a symptom of verbally abused women. I would never leave my daughter here alone without me to help her. I love her so much. If I ever really ran away I would take her with me.
I was so lucky to have someone talk me out of running away. Tell me to go home. To notice. I am very grateful for that.
Once, when I ran away I was walking down a busy street across from a cemetery. It is really close to the park I always ran to. There is a bridge on that street. I stood up on the railing and a car passed that honked. Some teenagers yelled at me "jump!" I thought about it. But it looked like I might live through it and it would really hurt if I did!!
Today, my pastor told me about someone close to him who committed suicide. I actually never met her, but we worked at the same place, so I knew of her. He told me how she was an atheist. He told me how sad it made him when she said she was in such agony that suicide would be a release from her pain. He had no idea how I wanted that release from pain for so long. He didn't realize he was even ministering to me and my pain. However, I don't believe there is nothing when we are gone the way this woman does. I believe in Heaven. So I think I am not scared of death. I want to have the pain stop. But I also took on a responsibility as a mother. I can not leave her with a mother who killed herself.
I think I am doing so much better. It has been a year. Well October 27th is one year since I found out. I still want to runaway. But I am still here.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Who Are You?
After my last post, I got to thinking, who do I identify with in pop culture and why.
From the tv show Friends, my all time favorite show, that I still quote, many people have called me Phoebe. I think because of my free spirit. No one has ever called me a Rachel. I don't really know why? But if you really know me deep down, I AM Monica. Everything has a place and belongs in that place. In one episode she argues with herself about picking up a pair of shoes and then getting up early to put them back so everyone will think she is capable of being kooky. I have had that argument in my head!! Sometimes I would scare myself watching her and knowing I had done the EXACT SAME THING!!!
Gilligan's Island
Well the obvious choices are Ginger or Marianne. I am usually thought of as Marianne. In fact, I wanted my last wedding to be a theme wedding out at Sneaky Pete's where everyone dressed up as their favorite Gilligan's Island character. I hit a snag because I see myself more as a Gilligan. I am a goofball and my decisions usually cause me more trouble than I thought they would.
I Love Lucy
Another favorite of mine. Of course I am Lucy. In fact for one brief summer, after the divorce, I was a red head! I should also throw Carol Burnett in here. Both are total nutjobs and hilarious with hilarious schemes. That is totally me. I don't make a good red head, but I have loved several red heads. Red headed men are sexy in their own ways!!
Desperate Housewives
I took an online test for this one. I was Gabby. Okay NO FRICKIN WAY!!! I am not a Gabby. I dream of someday being a Bree, but that may just be the red head thing again. Honestly, I am a Susan. I have burnt macaroni and cheese even worse I started a fire making iced tea. Susan locked herself out of her house in the nude, but I locked myself out of a hotel room in a towel. Secretly, though, don't we all want to be Edie?
Soaps
All My Children--Erica Kane is my hero!!! I would love to be her. She does what she wants and always always gets her man. She is strong, but always beautiful. Beth Elhers (Harley Davidson Cooper on GL and Taylor on AMC) she rocks!!Harley carried a gun and still made lunches for the boys. I also want to kick ass like Greenlee Smythe and kiss Ryan Lavery!!!
Boston Legal
I want to be James Spader. I mean the only chick on the show is Candice Bergen. James Spader gets to say all those things we all wish we could, he is smart and wealthy. Maybe I could be Denny Crane, but James Spader gets more chicks.
And Finally, Emily Proctor from CSI: Miami. I love her. She is smart, fearless, and has impeccable morals. All the while she has great teeth!!!
Okay, my tv watching is boring. So let me know who you would be or who you think you are and why????
From the tv show Friends, my all time favorite show, that I still quote, many people have called me Phoebe. I think because of my free spirit. No one has ever called me a Rachel. I don't really know why? But if you really know me deep down, I AM Monica. Everything has a place and belongs in that place. In one episode she argues with herself about picking up a pair of shoes and then getting up early to put them back so everyone will think she is capable of being kooky. I have had that argument in my head!! Sometimes I would scare myself watching her and knowing I had done the EXACT SAME THING!!!
Gilligan's Island
Well the obvious choices are Ginger or Marianne. I am usually thought of as Marianne. In fact, I wanted my last wedding to be a theme wedding out at Sneaky Pete's where everyone dressed up as their favorite Gilligan's Island character. I hit a snag because I see myself more as a Gilligan. I am a goofball and my decisions usually cause me more trouble than I thought they would.
I Love Lucy
Another favorite of mine. Of course I am Lucy. In fact for one brief summer, after the divorce, I was a red head! I should also throw Carol Burnett in here. Both are total nutjobs and hilarious with hilarious schemes. That is totally me. I don't make a good red head, but I have loved several red heads. Red headed men are sexy in their own ways!!
Desperate Housewives
I took an online test for this one. I was Gabby. Okay NO FRICKIN WAY!!! I am not a Gabby. I dream of someday being a Bree, but that may just be the red head thing again. Honestly, I am a Susan. I have burnt macaroni and cheese even worse I started a fire making iced tea. Susan locked herself out of her house in the nude, but I locked myself out of a hotel room in a towel. Secretly, though, don't we all want to be Edie?
Soaps
All My Children--Erica Kane is my hero!!! I would love to be her. She does what she wants and always always gets her man. She is strong, but always beautiful. Beth Elhers (Harley Davidson Cooper on GL and Taylor on AMC) she rocks!!Harley carried a gun and still made lunches for the boys. I also want to kick ass like Greenlee Smythe and kiss Ryan Lavery!!!
Boston Legal
I want to be James Spader. I mean the only chick on the show is Candice Bergen. James Spader gets to say all those things we all wish we could, he is smart and wealthy. Maybe I could be Denny Crane, but James Spader gets more chicks.
And Finally, Emily Proctor from CSI: Miami. I love her. She is smart, fearless, and has impeccable morals. All the while she has great teeth!!!
Okay, my tv watching is boring. So let me know who you would be or who you think you are and why????
Wicked
I have been reading the book Wicked. I take it with me places, and total strangers stop me to say how much they loved the book. So many people have told me to go see the musical. I have been compared to characters in the musical.
I just don't get the book. I am almost through. I am on page 383. I don't see how this could possibly be a musical. I guess I am not high brow enough in my literature. I love Janet Evanovich and this book has yet to even make me smile. It is so sad. Maybe, I really don't understand. So far, there are not words that I don't technically know the definition, but it seems they are used in ways I don't understand. It's like reading science fiction, which I have a very hard time with, too!
I do identify with certain parts of the book. Elphalba, the Wicked Witch of the West, feels like an outcast because of her skin color. In school, I always felt on the outside looking in at the popular girls. They all knew me, just like her, but I was not one of them. I wasn't green, but I still felt like an outcast. I also understand the sibling rivalry. Although, I feel like my sister was more of a Glinda then a Nessarosa. I wonder what she would think?
I think so far, my favorite part of the book is her affair with a married man. She lets her guard down and for the only time in her life feels true love. He has a pet name for her (Fae). The first time she is tender in the book. His skin is covered in tattoos and she adores their differences. The book describes their passion, at first so hot then so beautiful. Even though Elphie, is hard and decisive and dedicated to her mission, she is changed by her affair. His love touches her. She allows him to cherish her and she is protective of him. I am not sure how she would have changed if he had not died. She closes herself off again. After his death, she spends years seeking forgiveness from his widow.
I don't really understand her ability to make a decision-to her the most moral decision and never waiver. She does not waiver even when she thinks she might have made mistakes. I don't seem to have that kind of self discipline. I always second guess myself and change my mind tons of times. Her choices lead her down a path and divided her from her family. I hope I don't make choices that lead me away from my family!
I think I will finish the book. I plan to read Son of a Witch, too. I want to go see the musical. I want to see how this can come to life. I don't know if I will ever give the rave reviews everyone else seems to give, but I have not finished the book to decide.
I just don't get the book. I am almost through. I am on page 383. I don't see how this could possibly be a musical. I guess I am not high brow enough in my literature. I love Janet Evanovich and this book has yet to even make me smile. It is so sad. Maybe, I really don't understand. So far, there are not words that I don't technically know the definition, but it seems they are used in ways I don't understand. It's like reading science fiction, which I have a very hard time with, too!
I do identify with certain parts of the book. Elphalba, the Wicked Witch of the West, feels like an outcast because of her skin color. In school, I always felt on the outside looking in at the popular girls. They all knew me, just like her, but I was not one of them. I wasn't green, but I still felt like an outcast. I also understand the sibling rivalry. Although, I feel like my sister was more of a Glinda then a Nessarosa. I wonder what she would think?
I think so far, my favorite part of the book is her affair with a married man. She lets her guard down and for the only time in her life feels true love. He has a pet name for her (Fae). The first time she is tender in the book. His skin is covered in tattoos and she adores their differences. The book describes their passion, at first so hot then so beautiful. Even though Elphie, is hard and decisive and dedicated to her mission, she is changed by her affair. His love touches her. She allows him to cherish her and she is protective of him. I am not sure how she would have changed if he had not died. She closes herself off again. After his death, she spends years seeking forgiveness from his widow.
I don't really understand her ability to make a decision-to her the most moral decision and never waiver. She does not waiver even when she thinks she might have made mistakes. I don't seem to have that kind of self discipline. I always second guess myself and change my mind tons of times. Her choices lead her down a path and divided her from her family. I hope I don't make choices that lead me away from my family!
I think I will finish the book. I plan to read Son of a Witch, too. I want to go see the musical. I want to see how this can come to life. I don't know if I will ever give the rave reviews everyone else seems to give, but I have not finished the book to decide.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Quote of the Day
It is better to want what you don't have than to have what you don't want.
--Denny Crane
--Denny Crane
The Blame Game--You Almost Cut Off My Finger
I think it is human nature not to want to take blame. I remember the Family Circus cartoon had a little ghost character that was called "Not Me" Anytime there was mud on the floor or a door left open or something broken, the kids would all say "Not Me" And the next frame would show the ghost with muddy feet holding the broken lamp.
Whenever I had a problem, Mom and Dad always told me to look at my responsibility. "What's your part in this?" Even when I was sure it was someone else's fault completely, they never let me off the hook without looking at how I contributed to the problem and what I could do to solve it.
I don't mind looking at what I did and correcting it. I like to learn my lessons and NOT do the same thing again. I think we all look at something we have just done and say that was stupid why did I do that!
Now I am not saying it wasn't me. I am just saying all of us drink yogurt at the house. My daughter can drink four of them in less than half an hour. We recycle the little plastic bottles and the foil lids. We rinse them first. I guess one of the foil lids went down the garbage disposal. It could have been me or maybe it was "Not Me"
Honestly, I don't feel like looking at my part in this. It is a freaking lid and I will continue to try not to put them down the disposal. So the fact that Hubby believes I am responsible for almost cutting off his finger, because he put his hand down there, while the disposal was still on, to grab a foil lid, that I may or may not have accidentally dropped down the drain, while trying to recycle, to save the planet well all I can say is NOT ME!!
Whenever I had a problem, Mom and Dad always told me to look at my responsibility. "What's your part in this?" Even when I was sure it was someone else's fault completely, they never let me off the hook without looking at how I contributed to the problem and what I could do to solve it.
I don't mind looking at what I did and correcting it. I like to learn my lessons and NOT do the same thing again. I think we all look at something we have just done and say that was stupid why did I do that!
Now I am not saying it wasn't me. I am just saying all of us drink yogurt at the house. My daughter can drink four of them in less than half an hour. We recycle the little plastic bottles and the foil lids. We rinse them first. I guess one of the foil lids went down the garbage disposal. It could have been me or maybe it was "Not Me"
Honestly, I don't feel like looking at my part in this. It is a freaking lid and I will continue to try not to put them down the disposal. So the fact that Hubby believes I am responsible for almost cutting off his finger, because he put his hand down there, while the disposal was still on, to grab a foil lid, that I may or may not have accidentally dropped down the drain, while trying to recycle, to save the planet well all I can say is NOT ME!!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Remember the Alamo
I have been in San Antonio for the past three days. San Antonio is a beautiful city. I love visiting. I love to walk around, see the sites and eat the Mexican Food. As a former Texas History Teacher, I love all the historical sites in San Antonio. I also love driving by Sandra Cisnesros House. I have a picture there from when I was much younger!! I needed to go see some clients. I visited three. I wish the work part of the trip had been a little more profitable. But, I am laying groundwork for 2010 for sure!!
The "me" part of the trip was wonderful!!! I went on the Riverwalk. I got lost, of course, but I just didn't mind it. Had a great meal. I even had strawberries in my room. I took a bubble bath with a new scent called Orange Patchulli or however you spell that and pumpkin spice candles from Bath and Bodyworks. The combination of scents with the comfort of the warm bath was absolute heaven. There was lots and lots of Carrie pampering and a massage was involved!! I recommend the Hotel Contessa. In fact, I do not have one complaint (try not to fall over if you have read my entry on hotels)
I came back feeling at peace and rested. I felt like I just needed to get away and Remember Me! I needed to know who I am and forget about the unhappiness in my life. I feel so lucky I have a job that allows me or rather expects me to meet with clients and I can take some time to refresh my soul.
My souls feels so much happier after this trip. I feel so much peace. I can't seem to quit smiling.
The one thing I can't believe about this trip is I did NOT go to the Alamo. I think the Alamo and the outside market are reasons 2 and 3 that most people go to San Antonio, right? Okay, I was entertained enough not to turn on the TV which is also strange, but I had so much filling my time and just making me smile, that I forgot to
The "me" part of the trip was wonderful!!! I went on the Riverwalk. I got lost, of course, but I just didn't mind it. Had a great meal. I even had strawberries in my room. I took a bubble bath with a new scent called Orange Patchulli or however you spell that and pumpkin spice candles from Bath and Bodyworks. The combination of scents with the comfort of the warm bath was absolute heaven. There was lots and lots of Carrie pampering and a massage was involved!! I recommend the Hotel Contessa. In fact, I do not have one complaint (try not to fall over if you have read my entry on hotels)
I came back feeling at peace and rested. I felt like I just needed to get away and Remember Me! I needed to know who I am and forget about the unhappiness in my life. I feel so lucky I have a job that allows me or rather expects me to meet with clients and I can take some time to refresh my soul.
My souls feels so much happier after this trip. I feel so much peace. I can't seem to quit smiling.
The one thing I can't believe about this trip is I did NOT go to the Alamo. I think the Alamo and the outside market are reasons 2 and 3 that most people go to San Antonio, right? Okay, I was entertained enough not to turn on the TV which is also strange, but I had so much filling my time and just making me smile, that I forgot to
Remember the Alamo
Saturday, September 6, 2008
My Bubble Bath Alone
I have not been feeling well. I decided that the achiness in my bones my be soothed by a long hot bubble bath. I have a great big jacuzzi bathtub (one of the main selling points of my house). I think I own every scent ever made by Bath and Bodyworks. I have scrubs and oils and soaps and I haven't had a bubble bath in THREE years. Those of you doing the math, my daughter is not yet three, but I wasn't allowed to take them while I was pregnant!
Tonight, we did not do dishes so I knew there would be hot water. I snuck upstairs to keep my daughter from seeing me disappear. I think it took about 20 minutes to get all the toys out of the tub and the bath paint of the wall and the little froggies of the floor of the tub. I got the bath water perfect. I chose the lavender vanilla for relaxation. I started to soak. I turned on the jets and relaxed deep into the bubbles.
That's when to door opened. She had already taken off her diaper and wanted a bath with Mommie!!! Soon, it was not just me and her, it was me and Little Mermaid and Cinderella and Flounder and Foam letters and swimming, squirting dolphins and a boat and the pink duckie and the yellow duckie and the Hulk doll with action arms and Mr. Bubble and Cookie Monster and two Elmos and Erinie and Tinker Bell and Lightening McQueen (Hailey only approves of NASCAR not Indy car (Mommie doesn't know the difference)) and Sally and Princess Barbie and the Castle and the floatie mirror and the ninja turtles and two floating books and last but not least a bright yellow sword.
Daddy wouldn't fit in the tub, so he sat on the side. She decided I was to "play" Little Mermaid, she was to "play"April O'Neil and Daddy was the Monster from Ben 10. April has swords that she loves to pretend stab with. The Monster kept trying to hit Little Mermaid or Mommie and She put a BIG stop to that with"Don't hit MY Mommie!!"
We played who could keep the Foam letter stuck to their forehead the longest. Then we started the drinking. She likes to drink water from every toy. They all pour different, so they all must be tested, sometimes she tests the ones she likes more than once. Then each of us had to test the toy for drinking. If we didn't do it right, she would instruct us on the right way to drink it.
Then Daddy got his hair washed three times!!! He was sitting on the floor watching us. He leaned his head in and she poured water on it. So then she asked for soap. Of course, I gave it to her. She poured more water, asked for more soap, poured more water, asked for more soap. All in all his shirt got soaked, but it is probably the best hair wash he has had in a month (hahaha)
I love to watch her bathe. She is so funny. She talks to the toys, she invents ways to play with the toys. Things I would never think of, for example, the boat for Cinderella looks like a cat dish and she fills it with water that we all must drink out by lapping like kittens with milk. I don't really know how clean she gets. I wash parts in between playing. Sometimes, I feel I come out less clean than I went in because the bathtub paints seem to stain my skin when she draws on me.
I hope I always remember these days. I know someday she will be too old to take a bath with. I know someday when she stands up the water won't still come up to her thighs. She won't always be able to lean back in my arms and practice floating in the water.
Some day when I finally get another bath alone I am afraid I will sit and cry at the fact that instead of a family bubble bath, it really will be just my bubble bath alone.
Tonight, we did not do dishes so I knew there would be hot water. I snuck upstairs to keep my daughter from seeing me disappear. I think it took about 20 minutes to get all the toys out of the tub and the bath paint of the wall and the little froggies of the floor of the tub. I got the bath water perfect. I chose the lavender vanilla for relaxation. I started to soak. I turned on the jets and relaxed deep into the bubbles.
That's when to door opened. She had already taken off her diaper and wanted a bath with Mommie!!! Soon, it was not just me and her, it was me and Little Mermaid and Cinderella and Flounder and Foam letters and swimming, squirting dolphins and a boat and the pink duckie and the yellow duckie and the Hulk doll with action arms and Mr. Bubble and Cookie Monster and two Elmos and Erinie and Tinker Bell and Lightening McQueen (Hailey only approves of NASCAR not Indy car (Mommie doesn't know the difference)) and Sally and Princess Barbie and the Castle and the floatie mirror and the ninja turtles and two floating books and last but not least a bright yellow sword.
Daddy wouldn't fit in the tub, so he sat on the side. She decided I was to "play" Little Mermaid, she was to "play"April O'Neil and Daddy was the Monster from Ben 10. April has swords that she loves to pretend stab with. The Monster kept trying to hit Little Mermaid or Mommie and She put a BIG stop to that with"Don't hit MY Mommie!!"
We played who could keep the Foam letter stuck to their forehead the longest. Then we started the drinking. She likes to drink water from every toy. They all pour different, so they all must be tested, sometimes she tests the ones she likes more than once. Then each of us had to test the toy for drinking. If we didn't do it right, she would instruct us on the right way to drink it.
Then Daddy got his hair washed three times!!! He was sitting on the floor watching us. He leaned his head in and she poured water on it. So then she asked for soap. Of course, I gave it to her. She poured more water, asked for more soap, poured more water, asked for more soap. All in all his shirt got soaked, but it is probably the best hair wash he has had in a month (hahaha)
I love to watch her bathe. She is so funny. She talks to the toys, she invents ways to play with the toys. Things I would never think of, for example, the boat for Cinderella looks like a cat dish and she fills it with water that we all must drink out by lapping like kittens with milk. I don't really know how clean she gets. I wash parts in between playing. Sometimes, I feel I come out less clean than I went in because the bathtub paints seem to stain my skin when she draws on me.
I hope I always remember these days. I know someday she will be too old to take a bath with. I know someday when she stands up the water won't still come up to her thighs. She won't always be able to lean back in my arms and practice floating in the water.
Some day when I finally get another bath alone I am afraid I will sit and cry at the fact that instead of a family bubble bath, it really will be just my bubble bath alone.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Random Thoughts Keeping Me Awake
In No Particular Order:
- My daughter is amazing! Yesterday at gymnastics they got to play with a parachute. At the end, all the mom's held the chute and the kids were underneath. Her eyes were sparkling. Everyone in the whole gym could hear her squealing with laughter. All the other kids started to laugh and get excited like her. They were so happy!! It looked like Christmas morning.
- If I have another daughter I think I will name her Noelle. I love that hymn and I can tell Mom the N is for Nancy
- I am going to San Antonio next week, what am I going to pack?? I am too excited about going!!!
- I have over 700 emails in my inbox. Everytime I respond to one, I get three more.
- My dehydration and volume depletion seem to be better. I wonder if I can keep it from coming back
- How can my weight vary 7-8 pounds in one day!!!!
- I can't decide if I should go get a manicure or do it myself on Sunday--everybody knows I won't see a client without one!!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
The Comeback Kid
Growing up I attended a church with a very strong youth choir. I could not wait to be old enough to join. They toured the country every year performing Jesus Christ Superstar and Godspell. I toured with them for six years. I don't think I will ever forget a single line, word, note or dance from either show.
Most of what I know about Jesus and even the bible, although I am a preacher's kid, came from these two shows. There was one thing I always found amazing about Jesus, he was the Comeback Kid! He always knew what to say.
In middle school, we called teasing each other "put downs" or "cut downs" and then when you answered back it was a "comeback." All the cool kids new the latest cut downs and how to respond to them. For me it was always like this:
Cool Kid: "you're ugly and you're mama dresses you funny"
Me: uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh waaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Well, I didn't always cry but inside I think I did. I never knew what to say. Sometimes I would figure it out an hour later. Jesus always did! He would tell those people exactly the right thing to shut them up or prove them wrong. I tended to view him as harsh because there is not a lot of tenderness in JCSS. But I know he also knew what to say to comfort people. Even before the big bracelet WWJD thing happened, I would ask myself "What would Jesus say?" I always wanted to have a good "comeback" (I don't think that is really what the bracelets are about!)
When I taught middle school for 8 years. The kids would come to me and say. He said my mama was fat. I would always say "is it true? Then who cares?" A little risky, but I did stop a few fights.
Lately, I have been tons of self-help books. It seems that if I just had the right "comeback" I could have changed my marriage. If I just had not said what I felt and tried to say the right words in the right order at the right time the verbal abuse would magically stop. If I just change my patterns, my hubby has to change his. It seems so easy when I read the books. If he discounts my feelings just say this yadayada If he yells just walk out of the room. Go get hobbies become more interesting have other friends. Okay, but life just really isn't that black and white. Sometimes he apologizes. And the book doesn't say what to do then!
I wish I could think on my feet under pressure the way Jesus did. I wish I knew how and when to say the right things. I wish I could be a Comeback Kid.
Most of what I know about Jesus and even the bible, although I am a preacher's kid, came from these two shows. There was one thing I always found amazing about Jesus, he was the Comeback Kid! He always knew what to say.
In middle school, we called teasing each other "put downs" or "cut downs" and then when you answered back it was a "comeback." All the cool kids new the latest cut downs and how to respond to them. For me it was always like this:
Cool Kid: "you're ugly and you're mama dresses you funny"
Me: uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh waaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Well, I didn't always cry but inside I think I did. I never knew what to say. Sometimes I would figure it out an hour later. Jesus always did! He would tell those people exactly the right thing to shut them up or prove them wrong. I tended to view him as harsh because there is not a lot of tenderness in JCSS. But I know he also knew what to say to comfort people. Even before the big bracelet WWJD thing happened, I would ask myself "What would Jesus say?" I always wanted to have a good "comeback" (I don't think that is really what the bracelets are about!)
When I taught middle school for 8 years. The kids would come to me and say. He said my mama was fat. I would always say "is it true? Then who cares?" A little risky, but I did stop a few fights.
Lately, I have been tons of self-help books. It seems that if I just had the right "comeback" I could have changed my marriage. If I just had not said what I felt and tried to say the right words in the right order at the right time the verbal abuse would magically stop. If I just change my patterns, my hubby has to change his. It seems so easy when I read the books. If he discounts my feelings just say this yadayada If he yells just walk out of the room. Go get hobbies become more interesting have other friends. Okay, but life just really isn't that black and white. Sometimes he apologizes. And the book doesn't say what to do then!
I wish I could think on my feet under pressure the way Jesus did. I wish I knew how and when to say the right things. I wish I could be a Comeback Kid.
Denise Walker
Did you ever play that game where you find out what your name would be if you were soap opera star or a country western singer or a porn star? Here's how you play:
Country Singer:
Your middle name: Denise
Your mother's maiden name: Walker
Porn Star:
First pet: Fifi (a hamster I loved, although not my first pet)
Street you live on: Loving (when I played this I live on Marvin Loving Drive)
I think there are tons of variations on the game. Rock Star instead of Country or City instead of street.
I like my Country Star name. I think I will use it if I am ever famous. My mother's Dad was a musician. We called him DadDad. He went to the war in the Colonel's Band. He played all the instruments, but was best with woodwinds. His instrument was the picolo. He was such a fun loving guy!! Very talented and smart. But I always knew him as funny and generous.
I did not know my Grandmother Betty. She died when I was very young of ALS (Lou Gerhig's disease). Apparently, this is a woman I want to emulate. She was strong. She was the first woman to own her own business in HER name not her husbands's in her county. When she was diagnosed with ALS, she knew she would die. They moved to Houston, so she could participate in all kinds of testing. She wanted to help save others because she knew it was too late for her. What a great woman.
Another thing that makes Grandmother Betty great in my book is, well, her ability to kick a$$ and take names. What I mean is this. In all the stories she is such a perfect mannered lady. Has her hanky, doesn't raise her voice, knows which fork and when to eat with your fingers. But she set my DadDad straight. They didn't have "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" back then. They had free booze at the American Legion. DadDad was a drunk. Grandmother Betty refused to let him be one. She fought with him, for him, against him, about him, whatever it took. She made him go to school and become the Top Band Director in the State of Texas.
I know I have this Walker strength in me. My cousin just had a baby girl and we talk about raising our two Walker girls together. They will be strong and smart and beautiful and Walkers. I know I can stand up to PTSD and win just like my Grandmother Betty. Because I am Carrie Denise Walker.
Country Singer:
Your middle name: Denise
Your mother's maiden name: Walker
Porn Star:
First pet: Fifi (a hamster I loved, although not my first pet)
Street you live on: Loving (when I played this I live on Marvin Loving Drive)
I think there are tons of variations on the game. Rock Star instead of Country or City instead of street.
I like my Country Star name. I think I will use it if I am ever famous. My mother's Dad was a musician. We called him DadDad. He went to the war in the Colonel's Band. He played all the instruments, but was best with woodwinds. His instrument was the picolo. He was such a fun loving guy!! Very talented and smart. But I always knew him as funny and generous.
I did not know my Grandmother Betty. She died when I was very young of ALS (Lou Gerhig's disease). Apparently, this is a woman I want to emulate. She was strong. She was the first woman to own her own business in HER name not her husbands's in her county. When she was diagnosed with ALS, she knew she would die. They moved to Houston, so she could participate in all kinds of testing. She wanted to help save others because she knew it was too late for her. What a great woman.
Another thing that makes Grandmother Betty great in my book is, well, her ability to kick a$$ and take names. What I mean is this. In all the stories she is such a perfect mannered lady. Has her hanky, doesn't raise her voice, knows which fork and when to eat with your fingers. But she set my DadDad straight. They didn't have "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" back then. They had free booze at the American Legion. DadDad was a drunk. Grandmother Betty refused to let him be one. She fought with him, for him, against him, about him, whatever it took. She made him go to school and become the Top Band Director in the State of Texas.
I know I have this Walker strength in me. My cousin just had a baby girl and we talk about raising our two Walker girls together. They will be strong and smart and beautiful and Walkers. I know I can stand up to PTSD and win just like my Grandmother Betty. Because I am Carrie Denise Walker.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Maybe It Needs Batteries
I have learneds so much from my daughter. I think two year olds have a fasinating view of life and can teach us so much if we pay attention. Here are some things I have learned recently.
1. Take a harmonica to bed with you--Barbie likes music after dark.
2. There IS a difference between CANDY and CHOCOLATE--well duh!
3. Everything you say can and will be repeated against you.
4. A toddler may smell different from a newborn, but they still are wonderful to snuggle with.
5. Wearing high heels even makes a toddlers calves look so good we should go show the neighbors.
6. Playing outside will cure anything, especially if the water hose is on!
7. While using goggles, you can see bears.
8. Anything that is broken, just might need batteries. For example, if the faucet in the upstairs bathroom won't turn on, "maybe it needs batteries"
One year ago,today, on Labor Day, a co-worker of hubby's got very drunk at a work party. Because of my policy against drinking and driving we brought her to our house. They sat on the back porch and continued to drink and smoke while I went inside and tidied up the guest bathroom, put fresh sheets on the guest bed, and laid out clean towels. I went out and talked with my guest who was feeling down because she felt there was no God and if there was he did not love her. I told her there was nothing she could do to keep God from loving her and invited her to my church because it is different. I was sure she could find God's love.
The next week she slept with my husband and broke my heart.
Maybe It Needs Batteries.
1. Take a harmonica to bed with you--Barbie likes music after dark.
2. There IS a difference between CANDY and CHOCOLATE--well duh!
3. Everything you say can and will be repeated against you.
4. A toddler may smell different from a newborn, but they still are wonderful to snuggle with.
5. Wearing high heels even makes a toddlers calves look so good we should go show the neighbors.
6. Playing outside will cure anything, especially if the water hose is on!
7. While using goggles, you can see bears.
8. Anything that is broken, just might need batteries. For example, if the faucet in the upstairs bathroom won't turn on, "maybe it needs batteries"
One year ago,today, on Labor Day, a co-worker of hubby's got very drunk at a work party. Because of my policy against drinking and driving we brought her to our house. They sat on the back porch and continued to drink and smoke while I went inside and tidied up the guest bathroom, put fresh sheets on the guest bed, and laid out clean towels. I went out and talked with my guest who was feeling down because she felt there was no God and if there was he did not love her. I told her there was nothing she could do to keep God from loving her and invited her to my church because it is different. I was sure she could find God's love.
The next week she slept with my husband and broke my heart.
Maybe It Needs Batteries.
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