The Shun Words

Somebody come and play
Somebody come and play today
Somebody come and smile the smiles
And sing the songs
It won't take long
Somebody come and play today

Here are the rules to my new game:

1. The words must be real--OED is the final authority
2. The words must end in some form of tion, ion, sion, -ya know rhyme
3. The words must be words not phrases-- for example relaxation works but not "need relaxation"
4. The words must descibe exactly how you feel at the moment
   

exhaustion
dehydration
aggrevation
frustration
humiliation
depletion
confusion
reprobation
remonstrationnegation
invalidation
inconsideration
devestation
exasperation
intimidation
castigation
indignagtion
infliction
condemnation
intention
interrogation
irritation
condescension
correction
isolation
domination
victimization
aversion

Sugarland Take Me As I Am

I am totally into this new Sugarland Album. Dang she can sing!!!

I have two dream jobs, one is to sing country music, the other is to write novels. Obviously, I am keeping my day job!!!

Here are the lyrics to the song I heard today by Sugarland that remind me of me:

If you want it Come and get it
But understand
You take me as I am
Slow too trust but I'm quick too love
I push too hard and I give too much
I ain't sayin' I'm perfect but I promise I'm worth it

I think my Daddy would agree with all of that. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve and look for the good in everyone. If you earn my trust you will always have it. I am a perfectionist and I believe everyone should work as hard as I am willing to work myself. But, I will go above and beyond for anyone, even strangers.

This past fall, Daddy said to me he had always believed that everyone deep inside them had some redeeming qualities, but now as he has gotten older, he is not so sure. I hope he will change his mind back. He has always taught me to take responsibility for my actions and to look at my part. Of course, he probably never thought he would tell me that this was totally someone else's fault. I am a Daddy's girl and don't tell my sisters, but I am his favorite.

My Great Aunt was teasing me just last week. She asked me if I still thought I was my Daddy's favorite. I told her yes without even thinking.

Do I just have STUPID written on my forehead???

Here's how the typical travel day goes for me:

I am always running late. I can start 6 hours early and I will still be late. I panic all the way to the airport remembering all the things I forgot.....dress shirt, toothbrush, pantyhose....

I get to the airport. I usually have some reason why they have to scan me.....lady is that metal in your bra? Why yes, it is, please feel me up............

Then I sit and wait. It does not matter where I am going or why there is always a plane delay. I have flown to Atlanta and Houston during hurricanes. Today, in Dallas TEXAS where it is like a million degrees and SUMMER the plane was broken because of the anti-de-icing button. Seriously folks!!

Today's rental car experience was actually painless, thank you Alamo, I am now your customer for life. But usually it involves something like all the cars are gone and even though you have a reservation all we have is either a 12 passenger van or a moped. Unless of course you want to upgrade to a car.

Then finding the hotel. If the cabbie doesn't get lost or almost kill me; (Once we had to stop on the road because there was a wreck and the cabbie was an EMT and had to stop legally and render aid. ) I will invariably get lost in the rental car. I even print out maps. Today, the map said take highway 96, but it was actually 94....Thank God the sun was still up and I could tell East from West.

I finally get to the hotel. And they stick me in the room next to the pool. I can hear the kids through the wall. Now depending on how well you know me, you know I never take the first room. Sometimes it is my fault and sometimes it is low blood sugar and sometimes.....they just like to screw with me!! So I go back to the desk and I can quote every single hotel person. "We only have one room left." RIGHT. Tonight, I just looked him straight in the eye and said don't give me the F^%(&%^ing handicap room. Why? every time Why??? Do I look like I need monkey bars in the bathroom?????? I have let them give me that room before and then the next night had to move because someone who needed the room checked in!! I just want a nice normal room, with hot water, no ceiling tiles falling on my head, not next to the construction, not next to the elevator or ice machine, without a wet towel and broken refrigerator, or a twin bed. These are just a few examples of what hotel clerks think is funny. Oh yea, preferrably on the no smoking side!! But they only have one room left............

I guess I just have STUPID written on my forehead!

How Long Does Trust Really Take

When I was a kid and I did something "wrong" my mom didn't spank me or ground me. I got the "talk." My sisters and I can still quote the ending: "It's going to take a long time to rebuild my trust."



It has been 11 months and 4 days. All the therapists say it could take 2 or 3 years to rebuild the trust. In the meantime, I have been working on myself.

• I learned to play hand bells


• I am taking tennis lessons


• I go to the gym 3-5 times a week


• I started singing again (in public even)


• I am learning yoga


• I am reconnecting with old friends


• I have been travelling for work and not been quite as uptight as usual

Today I had a good day. No, I had a GREAT day. I had an amazing afternoon and then almost one my tennis match. It was very close with 5-7. I get home feeling pretty good.

And then with just a few unnecessary words from him, I find myself in a puddle of tears in the bottom of my shower. The despair just seems to take over. And the shower is no place to build self-esteem--seeing oneself naked and blubbery fat , eyes swollen from crying body shaking from the heaves.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get over this. I wonder if the pain will ever go away. I wonder if I will ever trust another human again.

Why?? Nevermind

Curiosity killed the cat.



I know it has certainly gotten me in trouble. I always want to know.

When I was a kid my little sister would tease me. She would start to say something and then say "Nevermind" She knew it would drive me crazy. Sometimes, I doubt she even had anything to say, she just knew it would make me lose my mind for an hour or so!

I am still guilty of the want to know everything. I love to hear gossip and watch soaps to get my fix. Maybe it is human nature to want to know more. To find out where an ex lover lives or see pictures of stars without make-up.

Sometimes though, it might be better to not be curious. Sometimes it can really slap you in the face. Knock the wind out of you. Like when I find out what a co-worker really thinks of me. Or finding condoms in my husband's backpack.........oh
Nevermind!

Terror in the Night

I have always loved my house. It is small--cozy. I think it is cute and I like the layout and LOVE my bathtub. That is until I had a baby. The master bedroom is upstairs and the other two rooms are downstairs at the front of the house. I am so afraid that someone will come in the window or we will have a drive by shooting. I kept my daughter upstairs in a bassinet and then a crib for almost her first two years because well babies look sweet when they sleep but I was also afraid to have her in the front room.

Last night the power went out. Then I heard shouting outside. I was terrified. I thought someone had cut our lines and was coming in to get us. I don't know what they would find of value but nevertheless I was scared. I kept hearing noises. I woke hubby up so he could search the house. He was so out of it. He told me to set the alarm. He said is the dog barking? (this was sensible because the dog was sleeping and thought I was crazy) Then he asked me to scratch his back (hubby not the dog) and he went back to sleep. I was so scared!!!

I tried to go to sleep thinking he would protect me. Then the true terror. We were safe upstairs, but the BABY!!! So I went downstairs carrying my cell phone and charger to call for help. I checked her sweet little face, put her blanket over her. I set the alarm. But the whole time, I was hearing a strange noise. I felt like someone was following me in the house.

During the day I do not believe in ghosts. At night I believe in ghosts, vampires, bogarts, poltergeists--all of it any of it. I began to narrow down the noise. It was right by me in the kitchen. I realized it was in the cabinet. I grabbed the broom and something brushed my leg. I opened the cabinet doors with the broom. I did not see anything -- again something brushed my leg. I was so sure a ghost had flown out of the cabinet and was grabbing me by the leg.

I looked down, and there was my cell phone charger. The cord had been brushing my leg and dragging on the floor making noise. I have to laugh at myself, but I still thought what if the ghost had made the cord move????

Warfare

I think I need to go watch War of the Roses again.

There are some many battles to win in life. I lose track as I am trying to win the war. But this week, I lost a big big battle in the house work area.

There are small battles.....

• Leave dishes on the table not even moving them to the sink.
• Letting the mail pile up....not even opening things addressed to yourself.
• Leaving dirty clothes in the bathroom.....shoes in the middle of the floor.
• Not ever clean a thing, no scrubbing, no washing.

There are subversive battles..........

• doing chores so there cannot be complaints
• smiling and saying but I did the laundry
• buying all the groceries so I get to pick the cereal

But I have just been "schooled" by a man trained by the army in Psychological Warfare. I have just learned the art of "reverse housework" This is not making a mess or leaving a mess or ignoring a mess, this took true talent. I admire the skill and craftsmanship. I did all the laundry and left a clean pile to be put away. I was gone on business for a few days and returned. It was not only not put away, but covered with a wet towel and dirty clothes.

I now must rewash everything plus this weeks laundry. Reverse Housework!!!!!

Score: Auntie Mame 0 Hubby 1-maybe to for ingenuity.

Love is Wonderful

Being in Love changes everything!!! It puts a spring in your step. Why just last week, I suddenly noticed while I have not lost weight, my shape is changing. I attribute this to my new life style and love.

Suddenly, I could see my waist, little curves on the side that I have not seen in over three years. I felt like the dress I was wearing looked good, the shoes were cute, and my hair was SENSATIONAL!!!

All because I felt like I was really in love. Kind words of I miss you and I love you can really change the way a mirror looks back at you!!!

Well love and a stairmaster doesn't hurt either!!

As soon as I figure out this whole youtube thing, maybe I won't copy and paste lyrics so much, but here are some for today:
Close your eyes Give me your hand, darlin
Do you feel my heart beating
Do you understand
Do you feel the same
Or am i only dreaming
Is this burning, an eternal flame
I believe It's meant to be, darling
I watch you when you are sleeping
You belong to me
Do you feel the same
Or am i only dreaming
Is this burning, an eternal flame
Say my name, sun shines through the rain
Of all life so lonely
Then come and ease the pain
I don't want to lose this feeling,
oooh Oh oh Say my name, sun shines through the rain
Of all life so lonely
Now come and ease the pain
I don't want to lose this feeling, oooh
Close your eyes Give me your hand, darling
Do you feel my heart beating
Do you understand
Do you feel the same
Am i only dreaming
Or is this burning, an eternal flame
Close your eyes Give me your hand, darling
Do you feel my heart beating
Do you understand (do you understand)
Do you feel the same
Am I only dreaming (dreaming)
Or is this burning, an eternal flame
Close your eyes Give me your hand, darling (Give me your hand)
Do you feel my heart beating
Do you understand (Give me your hand)
Do you feel the same
Am I only dreaming (dreaming)
Is this burning, an eternal flame

Shrek

We were just watching one of my favorite movies-Shrek. My daughter wanted to watch it, but of course we could not find Shrek, so we have actually been watching Shrek 2 which amazingly was in the right case.

Why do I love Shrek. Art imitates life and I identify with the movie--it is my life. Well because hubby is Shrek. So you are thinking, awwwwwwww she thinks she is a fairy princess who ended up with an Ogre. Not actually!! My hubby is an Ogre, layers of an onion, but I think I am more of the Donkey. Here is why:

1. In life, I am the comic relief!!
2. I am the funny one you remember, but can't remember the name-Hence just Donkey
3. I jump around yelling "Pick Me! Pick Me!" and when no one else will go you finally pick me and it ends up being okay and even fun

Old Friends

So continuing to live in the past, yesterday I had lunch with an old friend that I had not seen in 8 or 9 years. And by old friend, I mean someone I was totally in love with, a complete groupie of, hero worshipped, and yet all was unrequitted so I settled to be his friend.

He and I would talk for hours on the phone. He always had the best perspective. I have quoted him often. We would talk about religion and life and I would talk about boys. He was a great listener. He also just wanted to be friends.

He was also smoking hot!! He was a runner and not one ounce of body fat. He still doesn't have any!! I bet his BMI is like 2.

He is also very giving. He works with kids, he does charity events. He teaches Sunday School. We would pass notes at church!!! He and I grew up in the same town, but he is ten years older than me. His dad is also a preacher. His little sister was also head cheerleader at our high school just like mine. So we had so much in common, so many life experiences that we could compare.

Yesterday, he told me he was very immature back then. I said I was too! It was embarassing to think of how I followed him around. But then he said he was completely in love with me. He was too chicken to tell me or trust me. He was crazy to let me slip away!!

What an ego boost!!!

I didn't know what to say. Of course, he said it was a good thing because I would not have my daughter if things had been different between us. Which is true.

I know life happens how it happens. Again, I don't have regrets, but oh the nights I wasted loving him and thinking he did not see me as more than a sister!!! It really changes my perspective on the last 10 years of my life. I wonder who else might be in love with me??

America Still Segregated on Sundays

I don't proclaim to have any great insights about racism or segregation, but like everyone else, I have opinions. I just read this article on CNN and it got me thinking:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/08/04/segregated.sundays/index.html

Am I comfortable on Sundays in an interracial church? Honestly, I don't know. I grew up in a white church, but we were liberal in our views. It is now a church of "reconciliation" It doesn't mean all the gays in Mesquite go there, but they are welcome. I still go there, but more for the music than anything else.

I have a few memories of really just not understanding the idea of being white or black. At one point in my life, I was attending NA for those involved with someone abusing drugs. The meetings were held at a black church. It was really a mixed group. And they completely accepted me. There were experiences we had all been through. I decided to visit the church. I was not accepted. It was very weird. I was not scared, but did not feel welcome or like I should even come back.

When I first began teaching school I taught at a racially mixed magnet school. Thirty percent were whites from the wealthy neighborhood, thirty percent were bused in Hispanics in the music or art programs , thirty percent were bused in blacks mainly in the athletic program, and 10 percent were "other" I think we had quite a few from Kosovo. February is Black History month, and of course we were having an assembly. They asked for volunteers for the faculty choir. I love to sing, so I was there. I remember after the program one of the teachers thanking me for "joining US" That is when I looked around and realized, I was the only white teacher on stage!!!

When I was in 8th grade, we had 3 or 4 blacks in our class. I dated the best looking guy. I have to say I was rudely awakened to discrimination. It was something I never expected. I had no idea that people would be angry at me. I don't know if that still happens, but it was scary. In fact, when I tried out for drillteam, in high school, the sponsor told me I would never be allowed on the drillteam because of who I had dated. (she actually used some bad language, but I won't repeat it)

Like I said I don't have any great insights or answers. I hope I can show kindness and respect regardless of race. My boyfriend told me even though I had dated him, I would never understand what it was like to be black. I now understand what he meant and that I will never understand.