A Flame Three Feet High

The Soon to be ex hubby has flown off to Phoenix with his new girlfriend for a week. He said he was letting me have our daughter for New Year's Eve..........how thoughtful............it is such a kid friendly holiday!

I am so exhausted. Raising a toddler was meant to be with two parents. I think that is why God made it impossible to have a kid by yourself unless you are a starfish. My little hurricane has run me ragged today. I love her and I love painting and singing and dancing and tea parties and Barbie and play-doh and crayons and cooking and running and ball-hockey and going in and out the doggie door, but by 10 am I am pooped................she is just getting started. I wish I had the energy she has or half the energy of the energizer bunny.

STBEH does not have to ever put her to bed, give her a nap, take her to school, wash her clothes, call the daycare, get her up in the mornings, OR ANYTHING A RESPONSIBLE PARENT DOES!!

So all of this really burns my butt, just like a flame three feet high

There is No Arizona

He lied to me. Said he was going to see his brother in California for a week. I could tell he was lying.........

I can't believe stebh already has a girlfriend!! Hey never took days off to spend with me. He would never go with me anywhere and now he is taking a freaking week to go to Phoenix with his new girlfriend!!

I am telling myself I will not cry. Surprisingly, I am not. Maybe I wish I was because I have just raided my daughter's candy dish.

He is not going to see his daughter for a week!

I guess I didn't think it would hurt. Gosh it does. We have not even filed for divorce, yet!

I should be glad someone else has to deal with him, but it really sucks. It just feels so soon.

aghhhhhh I can't get this song out of my head as I think of it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22tktN87ASk&eurl=http://www.facebook.com/home.php&feature=player_embedded

The Dog Ate My Vibrator

Okay, not really, it was a coaster. I just was thinking I should write a book about becoming a single mom and when the dog ate the coaster, I came up with that funny title.

Technology is a wonderful thing. It brings the world together and frankly, I wouldn't have a job without it. However, some of this "connecting" is not so great. Today, I saw on facebook my soon to be ex hubby--not even divorced is looking for singles online and his status is single and dating...............arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Here are the things I miss about having stbeh around:

• took out the trash
• walked the dog
• carried in the heavy groceries
• hung the Christmas lights
• changed light bulbs that were up high
• could put my cold toes on his back at night to warm them up
• watched some really cool stuff on the Discovery Channel and History Channel
• going to the movies
• keeping up with football
• okay, he really could make me laugh

Things that are better with him gone:

• don't argue about when he will take out the trash
• don't argue about when he will walk the dog
• don't argue about --see all the above hahahaha
• my self esteem
• cleaning, no dirty socks on the floor
• dish washing, I don't have any forks to wash
• yelling and name-calling
• my creative spirit
• sleeping in the whole bed

I did marry him knowing he had a temper. I did not know he would go to Iraq and come back devastated by PTSD. I did not realize how emotional abuse evolves. But he and I did one thing right. Our daughter is so beautiful....did I mention she is smart? She has his good looks and I hope my personality so we did right.

Okay, so I have cold toes....socks to bed because me and my daughter are better off taking out the trash ourselves. And I will just have to keep the dog out of the bedroom.

My Favorite Christmas Memory

I am a total sucker for those Christmas commercials. I don't just cry at the Kodak moments, either. Last week, I went out and bought some Folgers coffee because of the soldier coming home at Christmas and drinking Folgers. Right now, Jane Seymour is making me cry talking about her mom and the new "open heart" design she has made for Kay Jewelers. That ad agency deserves all the money they make because those every kiss begins with Kay commercials always get me! Why do diamonds say I love you? I dunno but those commercials make me believe it!!

As a kid, Christmas was one of my favorite holidays. Not just the gifts, but the anticipation of the gifts and of course the chocolate!! We always had excellent feasts and Mom's guilt trips were smaller as she was still on a high from how guilty we all felt at Thanksgiving.

I will never forget the year I got an Atari it had Pong in two colors!!! Of course there are the less favorite memories.....my grandparents forgetting that they had 3 granddaughters and having to pretend to be happy while my sisters opened gifts, my aunt asking me how it felt to be adopted and knowing my real father didn't want to talk to me even on Christmas......

I really think though, the best part of Christmas is the candles. I love the Advent Season. The four weeks of lighting one new candle and preparing our hearts for the coming of the baby Jesus. Oh, and the music. I love singing the music. All of it!! I have tried for years to memorize more and more of the second and third verses of hymns. I love to sing with my whole heart praising God without having to look at the words!

My daughter's first Christmas was fun. She crawled under the tree while I was washing dishes on December 23 and opened all her gifts. She didn't even look at the presents. She was so excited about the wrapping paper!!!

Last year was a hard Christmas. Hubby and I were separated. I was living with my parents in the middle of nowhere New Mexico. (I mean so small that I got to sing two solos during the Christmas season.) My Daddy was the preacher and all the kids called my daughter Baby Jesus. They still do because when they were reading the Christmas story the teacher said and then came the Baby Jesus and Daddy walked in the Sunday School room with her! Last year was my daughter's second Christmas and well I was sad we weren't the perfect little family. I was also sad because we were planning to drive all day Christmas day and we had to open gifts Christmas Eve. And because Daddy was the preacher we had to rush to do it between services.

We sat in the first row at the second service because I had to sing and Mom had to read a bible verse. My daughter was next to me in her new Dora Dress her other Grammie had mailed to her. It has a white ruffle on the neck. She still fits it! So as we sang Silent Night and lit candles, my Mom had to go and help Daddy at the back, leaving me and my daughter alone in the front row.

The lights went down and just the trees were lit. And the two of us held the candle. As I looked at her and she was shining so golden from the lights. Her blond hair was like a halo and the ruffle on her shirt was so perfect in the candlelight. I looked into her big brown eyes and saw the wonder of a child and the beauty of God's grace. I wanted a camera so bad that moment. I wanted to share this beautiful sight with the world, but then somehow God told me the precious gift was for me and to show me his love.

This is my favorite Christmas memory!

Butterflies

If you love something set it free
If it comes back it is yours forever
If it doesn't it never was

In second grade, I was a Brownie. As part of some Girl Scout badge, we were each given a caterpillar and some milkweed. I remember the jar so well. I watched each day as the caterpillar grew. I remember coming home from school and being so disappointed because it went into its cocoon while I was gone.

When it became a beautiful Monarch Butterfly, I wanted to keep it. That is when my mom told me that poem.

That butterfly did not come back. I had loved it, fed it, cared for it, nutured it, and prayed over it. And it was gone. It was a crushing blow to my 7 year old heart.

As a matter of fact, in my life, NO butterfly has ever come back. I watched a beautiful butterfly walk out my front door. I kept thinking I heard his truck pull back up. Once, while lying in the heaping sobbing pile on the landing of the stairs, I thought I heard the front door open. I was wrong.

Now, my not yet 40 year old heart dealing with this crushing blow once again, is going to look for a new kind of butterfly.

I think I will focus on my daughter. I will love her, fed her, care for her, nurture her, and pray over her. I will also let her go when she has matured. Somehow, I think this is one butterfly that might come back.

When EF Hutton Talks...People Listen

As a kid I wanted to be a boy. Not because I thought I was a boy inside or because I wanted to kiss girls, but because boys got away with so much. I wanted to be the class clown and that position always seemed reserved for a boy.

Alan H. was our class clown in 5th grade (one of my favorite years). Well him, and my bestest ever BFF, BA. Alan was not smart though. B and I were. But the guys got away with it and I always had to go stand in the hall. Or worse, no one laughed!!

In high school, I pulled a prank on our 10th grade honors English teacher. That woman was sooooo stodgy. She named her daughter after Emily Dickinson. Anyway, I played the joke, straight faced and she didn't get it. Then no one NO ONE laughed. Not even a murmur. I wanted to die right there in the silence. Afterwards, like lunch time, I found out everyone was talking about it and it was the funniest thing anyone had ever done to her. They were just all so scared of her no one would dare laugh.

Daddy has always told me to be a stand up comic. I would love that job. But the problem is I don't tell jokes to be funny. I also always have a story to tell. And I don't tell the story to be funny or because I live in the past either. I tell the story because I need the attention. I try to be funny because I have no self esteem.

Bad publicity is better than no publicity, right? I was not popular in school. I would never have won any election or class favorite whatever, but I bet you can't find 10 people who didn't know me. I knew tons of people and everyone knew who I was. Usually, not for anything good I did, but maybe funny.

I think being the middle child makes me this way. I feel like I always have to go the extra mile to please mom and dad to get any attention.

I don't think I can quit being a talker. Okay, really that is not up for change anyway. I don't know about the story telling either. I really like being the center of attention.

But I am going to work on trusting myself. So many times I don't let my own word stand for itself. I will say something and questioned or not, I provide an authority to back my word. The authority might be the Library of Congress or just Mom, but it seems I can't ever just say because I say so. Like I have something to prove to someone. Well for eight years I have had to prove every statement. I have had to justify myself. I don't know if I was always this way or just as the abuse grew, I grew this way. Well, I am going to try to stop this. No More I say.

When EF Hutton Talks................who gives a shit, I am not going to listen.....I don't need him anyway.

ARGGGHHH

I want to know who sets the papertowel machines in the public bathrooms. Who decides how much papertowel I need and how long I have to wait until I can have another one?

This just irritates me. I think the laptop may fritz out cz my hands are still wet!!!

Rapid Weight Loss Diet

This is probably the most expensive and probably the most painful diet, but I just lost 200 pounds............seriously...............in one day................well more like a year, but I kicked his sorry ass out. Okay, it was mutal he left, but I like to think I told him to go.

From now on, hubby will be known as stebh or soon to be ex-hubby.

This split has been not fun. He left Nov. 15. While his brother was staying here from California and his father was here from Virginia doing repairs on the house. We made agreements on the stuff last year when I found out about the affair. He went back on all of it. We fought about dishes and silverware..........why the forks????seriously why take all the forks??????

Tonight we fought over the baby's travel crib. I travel for work. Generally, Grammie my former mother in law would go with me. We really are strike that were friends. I love her. I thought she loved me. Okay, so it was an $80 dollar crib. What is really my problem? I should have let it go...............I hurt so much. I feel like everything he takes is just destroying me even more.

I guess I still had hope. Maybe if I kept something of his to hold onto. But, I am just in denial, he is not going to change. Not any time soon. I loved this man for so long. I sacrificed everything for him.

I want to be loved and I want to be wanted. It wouldn't hurt if the person who loved and wanted me was also attractive to me. So, now as my friend told me I need to go on a new diet. He calls it the "New People Are Going To See Me Naked Diet" lol

Thanksgiving

I have heard a lot of talk about something called "Catholic guilt" and I have always heard about Jewish mothers piling on guilt. However, I think they have nothing on my Perfection-seeking-Wesleyan-Methodist-Mom. She doesn't just send you on guilt trips, the woman packs your bag and books your room for two weeks. (That long is how long you have to be gone to rebuild the trust after you have disappointed her, just ask my sisters!)

I think Moms everywhere tell you to eat your brocolli because there are starving kids in Africa that wish they could have brocoli. Well, my Mom has a prayer/poem about three starving orphans sitting at a wobbly table with unmatched chairs, I think one is sitting on a box and they shared moldy bread and a can of soup with their social worker. They are so happy they have food for Thanksgiving. She always ends the prayer with and Thank God that our middle daughter is alive and here with us for another year. I think it is supposed to make me like brocoli??

Two more great reasons I hate Thanksgiving. My first husband prosposed after that prayer....seriously!! Current-soon-to-be-ex-hubby said I love you for the first time on Thanksgiving on the phone. He took it back 6 hours later in person saying "it was just one of those things you say on the phone--I didn't mean it"

I boycotted Thanksgiving for a few years. I would go serve turkey puree at the Jewish Old Folks Home. But I could just hear my mother saying "See these people would be thankful if the could chew brocoli. Don't you have something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving?"

I do have lots in life to be thankful for. For some reason Thanksgiving just makes me feel guilty for not feeling "thankful enough" I wish yesterday could have been Thanksgiving.

My daughter slept in late and then we had a wonderful time as she played for about an hour in the tub. Then she did NOT cry when we got to the daycare she said "I want to play with my friends now time to go"

Later I went for a wonderful bike ride. (I did fall, but it didn't leave any bruises) I went out to the lake it was such a beautiful day. I really enjoyed the lake, too.

Then I took my daughter to my parents house. My mom made a huge pot roast with two pans of vegetables. I got to have tons of carrots. My hippy and her boyfriend where there (everyone says I am just like her). My Grandmother was there, then in came my sister with her hubby and three boys. We ate, we laughed and we talked.

I sat on the bottom of the stairs holding my youngest nephew. I call him the tickle box because he just sits in my lap and giggles. Then my next nephew came and sat in my lap so I tickled him. Then my daughter started laughing and jumped in my lap. Then my oldest nephew jumped in. I had all four of them dogpiling me and I was tickling them and we were just all laughing and shrieking. My sister was laughing and called me the Tickle Monster.

The whole evening was so fun. This is what I wish Thanksgiving could be. Happy, fun and family everywhere.

Fun Today

I had such a blast today!!

I used to be a volunteer for everything: Habitat, local theater, Army Families, Big Sisters, Thousand Points of Light.

My dream job would be to quit work and volunteer as a docent at a museum of natural history

The Good Ice Cream

I used to have a friend who would help me through break ups when I was in the dating world. I could always tell how bad it really was when he would tell me it was time to break out the good ice cream.

The theory as I best understand is that a two week crush is only worth lime sherbet. Where as like a six month relationship can move up to a carton of Ben and Jerry's........you get the idea.

So just now I was looking in my refrigerator and realized, I don't have the good stuff or the bad stuff, unless you count those kiddie Popsicles in the plastic wrap that you suck out. (I guess that would be a bad date on the previous scale.)

Next, I just rummaged through my kitchen aka the war zone--yes his dirty socks are where he left them on the kitchen table. I found three chocolate mini-eclairs still good, I put cream cheese on 7 frozen pancakes, I ate a can of Vienna sausages which I know is weird but they are comfort food for me. Then, I hit mecca.

Women suffering from depression should not be allowed to go down the Halloween Candy Aisle at Wal-Mart. For some reason, I was sure I needed 7 of those 5 pound bags of mixed candy. Gosh Darn I was right. I will not be at home handing out candy. I did not eat it all and I have called Daddy for an intervention. He will be here tomorrow morning at 10 am to pick up the remains.

I wonder how many mini-twix bars it takes to equal "The Good Ice Cream?"

Right of First Refusal

All I can think right now is how is the possible?? What in the world can the judge or legislature or whoever it is that decides these things be thinking??

After 8 years of verbal abuse, I finally have the strength to ask hubby to leave. I told him to be out Nov.1. He said he could be out Dec. 1. I said okay. So tonight he tells me he is going to have "right of first refusal" added to our divorce. I have never heard of this. So he explains it to me that anytime I want someone to watch our daughter or hire a babysitter I have to call him first.

This sounds reasonable, right? No! Well he would be free I would have to pay a babysitter. He gets to spend more time with our daughter. Isn't that a win for everyone? NO!!

Somehow some judge or whatever thinks it is a good idea that every time I need to go out or on a date or our daughter is sick and would stay home from school that it is a good idea I call my ex-husband. I have to subject myself to his verbal abuse over and over and over.

That is why I am getting the divorce. I can't take the abuse anymore. I wanted to hold on to the family. I have tried to find a way to live through this nightmare. But I can't take the assault on my self esteem and my spirit anymore.

He has only hit me actually one time back in the summer when we first moved back home. I called the police. They stood around laughing with him. Told me they wouldn't take a veteran in unless they had to. Said he didn't really hit me because it was with an open hand and no marks. Told me if I was so scared I should take the baby and leave the house. So I did.

Tuesday he picked me up by the wrist. I was so scared. He raised his fist, but he did not hit me. He set me back down and shoved me backward. I didn't bother calling the police. No marks didn't happen. He said he would kill me if I called them. Not good for my daughter to have a dead mother and a jailbird father.

I have been doing things to try to build myself up. I wanted to rejoin the church choir for the Christmas music season. He told me I could go when my chores were done and the house was spotless.

I will never understand this man. I have given my whole heart to him. I would do anything for him. Last night I buffed his nails because he had a job interview. I BUFFED a man's nails the day after he threw me by my wrist. The same man who one year ago knocked up his co-worker and threw me into a wall. Here I am writing his resume, fielding calls from recruiters and buffing Fu&%ing nails.

I tried to google all of this and get some straight answers but there has to be some protection for the verbally abuse spouse to not have to submit themselves to the anger and judgement of a verbal abuser on a regular basis.

I Wouldn't Beg for Water

How can one person destroy me with just a sentence? He answered my ultimatum by saying you know the answer. He is looking for apartments. I hate him. I hate the way he treats me. I don't understand why I want to beg him to stay.

I wouldn't beg for water,
I wouldn't beg for water
If my soul was on fire,
that's the last thing I would ever do
I wouldn't beg for water,
I wouldn't beg for water
If my soul was on fire,
but I'd get down on my knees for you

Insomnia

Waking up with a crick in your neck or sleeping on your arm so it is numb all day--at some point everyone has a sleepless night.

Insomnia is not like that. Insomnia is night after night of no sleep. I have always been a night owl



I used to have a boss and we both had it. He used to call it his "widow's walk"



My sister doesn't sleep. She says it is because she is afraid if she goes to sleep that she may not wake up in the morning. I didn't tell her that I pray not to wake up in the morning

It Was 20 Years Ago Today

Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play...................I love that song.

However, it was actually exactly one year ago today at 7:24 pm that I found out my husband hand cheated on me.

A lot has happened in that year. I got fired, I got a new job, I lived with my parents, my mother in law lived with me, my beautiful daughter turned two.

But one thing has not happened. He has not made me feel special and wanted.

I have grown so much in this last year. I have gone from falling down in the middle of the floor crying for hours to someone who learned to ride a bike and play tennis and most importantly who I am inside--okay I am still working on that one!

I plan to give him an ultimatum when the baby goes to bed tonight. I can not live unloved the rest of my life. I have been loved and I won't go to bed each night wishing to feel special. I plan to give him a week to decide.

Will you still need me will you still feed me when I'm 64 -- another great Beatles song and if the person I am going to be with can't say YES immediately, I can't be with that person.

ADDENDUM
I don't want that! I don't want to have to ask. I want Tom Cruise jumping on the couch kind of love. Okay, he's crazy, but I want to know I am loved and not be thinking about what happens when I turn 65. I know I look so young thanks to the Mary Kay moisturizers but really it is not that far away and we all know that Paul had some one legged bad luck around 65!

I guess I don't know a good Beatles love song of what I want. Maybe Imagine ........You may say I'm a dreamer but that is just by Lennon.........

If I am going with Lennon, "Woman" is great..............

I dunno but I don't want this anymore!

The Heart of a Librarian

You might think if you as a librarian why they became a librarian they will answer "because I love books"

The truth is a librarian my love books, but that is not why they are librarians. There are so many types of librarians, there are probably just as many reasons why they became librarians. So I am going to explain the reasons why a reference or public services person becomes a librarian.

We love information. We love the details of information and the best part is to be able to give that information to someone when they need it. I have been called a "warehouse of useless knowledge" by hubby. But if you are the one with a pregnant pink toed tarantula knowing when the babies are going to pop out could be important!

I love being able to locate the information for someone or even better to already know the information to help someone. I love chasing down the detail finding the fact and helping change someone's day.

My job now is to help librarians help students find that information. I like my job, I like the perks, but I miss

Hula Dancing

There was a fundraiser at my church today with authentic hula dancers from Hawaii. They even taught us some simple hula steps. It was fun. Too bad hubby didn't to go. (as a side note, on the way there, I was thinking an impure thought and my cross necklace got caught on the seat belt and broke!!)

I used to get upset and lonely when I had to go to things by myself. I would be sad I wasn't sharing the moment with that someone special. I remember looking at the Lincoln Memorial or the Eiffel Tower and wishing that special someone was there to hold my hand. Tonight, I had fun and wished there was someone special out there watching me. As I learned how to do the pineapple and the coconut tonight, I looked in the crowd and there was no one special. But then I saw people who have always been there for me. My church family. I just laughed and giggled and had fun. Of course, I will probably always wish there was someone special there. Like the Christmas Eve when the look on my daughter's face during the candlelight vigil, I would give anything to share that with others. But I am also learning these moments are gifts from God and they are special even if no one else can share it with me.

I have been going to this church for most of my life. It is very small. Everyone knows everything about everyone. Well.........they don't know what hubby has done to me. Tonight when he didn't show up, they just accepted me and two couples invited me to sit with them. I guess that is what I love about this church, they love and except everyone. Alan has known me all of my life. His dad was one of the founding members of the church. He is married and has an 8 year old daughter. Hubby loves to tease me about Alan. If hubby wants to wear jeans to church he says "Alan does" or like tonight "Is Alan going?" I once took one of those plastic yellow WWJD bracelets and turned it inside out and wrote WWAD (What Would Alan Do) and gave it to hubby. I wonder why he never wore it??? I made sure I gave Alan a hug so I could tell hubby when I got home.

After watching these girls I have decided my next hobby will be either hula or belly dancing. It seemed quite erotic, fun, and like it would help me work out the area of my body I hate the most. There are other librarians that belly dance. I think there is some national group of them just google it and you will see how many librarians belly dance.

Although, I am still having fun riding my bike. Maybe when the cold weather gets here and I wimp out I will learn to belly dance.

Things that Fascinate Me

I am in a better mood, so here we go:

• Toddlers with clean shirts
• Skinny soap stars
• Love songs on the radio that make me think of that special person
• The way breath makes steam on cold days
• My daughter's eyes
• Candlelight service on Christmas Eve
• My heart never runs out of love
• How good a hug can feel
• a lovers kiss
• the smell of pine and cinnamon

Things that Annoy Me

• Toddler shirts with small openings for the head
• Clothes that get twisted in the washer
• Cups that turn over in the dishwasher
• Pharmacists that dispense children's medicine without a syringe
• Toys that don't drain well in the bathtub
• Blinking blue light on my blackberry when I use my bluetooth
• My neighbor's chihuahua (I love chihuahuas, by the way, this one just won't shut up)
• Presidential campaigns
• Panties that give wedgies
• Mary Kay discontinuing ALL nail polish
• Bath and Bodyworks frequently discontinuing my favorite scents
• Church politics
• Mornings
• Losing an earring but still having the other
• Trash in the alley because the neighbor put it out 3 days early (different neighbor)
• My body because I am always sick
• Women who don't flush in public bathrooms
• Men who think if they just peed they don't have to wash their hands
• Garage sales blocking my drive way
• Sales clerks that are rude
• Pricing for a new pair of black dress boots
• Victoria Secret models and Kelly Ripa
• When the Cowboys lose games
• Disrespect for the elderly
• Kids pants that show their boxers
• Bookstores not following standard library shelving rules
• Sun and Ski Barbie who has flat feet and a bigger waist so she doesn't fit any of the Barbie clothing line
• My cuticles
• Sitting next to fat or stinky people on a plane
• Loud noises at hotels
• Racism
• Keanau Reeves
• My fucking prick bastard narcissistic husband that can't change a light bulb in the garage without telling me how worthless I am and how I have recently become retarded because I can't seem to do anything for myself anymore.

Hopefully I won't see hubby tomorrow and I will be able to make a new list of things that fascinate me.

This is the third one in two days. It was only 12 minutes.
Yesterday night after tennis, I don't know what happened but I was suddenly crying in CVS. I put down the nail polish and hair bows and left. I sat in the car and cried shaking. I wished I had someone to come get me.

I don't know what triggered this one just now either. I feel the pulse in weird places throbbing in my neck and the bottoms of my feet. I try to slow down my breathing but it makes me hyperventilate and then the oxygen makes me light headed.

I took a half xanax twice yesterday and a half just now.

I want to run and I don't know why or where I would go. I am scared and sad and want to hide. I want to suck my thumb but it doesn't help.

My moods are more erractic than ever. I can be so happy. Especially riding my new bike I feel free. Then I can't get out of bed. The pain is too much. They don't know what keeps causing the abdominal pain which is more frustrating. I am almost getting good at peeing in a cup though.

I am so lonely. I may need a new job. I like working from home, but I need to talk to people.

I need someone to talk to about everything going on. I want to talk to my preacher. But I am scared. I can't tell a counselor. I can't take back what I have done. I don't want to anyway. I wish I knew what to do.

How do I choose between the most intense passionate love I have ever felt with the chance to be happy and the dream of my perfect family.

The writing is helping. I am calmer now.

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

I have decided I am not going to be sick anymore. I am not going to the doctor. I refuse to be fat also.

I am a new me.

I am happy.

I ride a bike and play tennis and sing and go to church and work and raise my baby.

I am happy.

I just want to be happy. I don't know what it feels like as the depression has always been there. As early as 7 I can remember it. I thought that I was just different. I know I am different in that my intelligence puts me in awkward places. I either explain to much or just jump when I think others understand. Also, my jokes are never funny. But I have always been different in other ways too.

I know my looks are different. My older sister has blue eyes. My younger sister is a blond. I felt very common with brown hair and brown eyes my whole life. Just nothing very unique about my looks. Then of course with puberty, I never got boobs. So I am average in looks, nothing unique. I work hard to maintain whatever looks I have. I have always heard even if you can not afford an expensive dress, take care of the one you have and always be clean--you will look better than those in an expensive dress that is not clean.

I have recently discovered I am also a klutz. Okay, I have always know it. It is painful to admit, but I cannot think of a single sport that I can even play. I have no coordination and I bruise easy. Most sports also involve some sort of ball coming at you which frankly I just duck and cover. I am hoping with some practice to eventually be able to control the front wheel of my bike. I think this might be the most important wheel. So really sports will give me no extra self confidence or esteem.

I guess that is where men come in. So being unhappy, averagely looks, a slight klutz and no self esteem I am quite the prize for a man out there. Hubby says no man will ever want me. Did I mention I am also quirky.

But here is the thing, I am going to be happy. I am going to be perky. Call my voice mail. My friends say it is so happy the get cavities when they listen.

I refuse to be down. I want my daughter to be raised by someone happy. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I will be happy DAMMIT (and skinny)

If Your Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands

My daughter love this song. Her favorite verse is stomp your feet. She always DEMANDS we clap, stomp, wiggle along.

I guess the problem is I am not happy and I know it. I have never been happy. It has always alluded me. I see other people happy. And quite frankly, I can fake that too.

I try so hard not to let things get me down. I have read the book of Job. And it actually pisses me off so much. I keep my faith all the time. I try to look at the positive and I try to joke through the bad times.

I have dealt with the chronic pain for a long time. My favorite doctor once old me that he couldn't do anything else for me and I need to seek alternative methods. I have tried hypnosis, acupuncture, acupressure, yoga, vitamins and the list goes on. Exercise helps when I am not in too much pain.

Sometimes I don't know if the depression leads to the pain or the pain leads to the depression. Or is just being married to an asshole that doesn't understand the pain or the depression.

I guess some of it is my fault. I expected some help with the laundry. I am not well. I have an ovarian cyst and really doing laundry is painful. But he never helps with the laundry. So when I asked him to help me lift the laundry basket, I just thought he would help me fold and put it away.

I have been trying to make a marriage to the wrong man work for so long. I just don't know what to do. I think back on my life and I just can't stand the idea if losing another family. I have not seen the twins since they were 7. They are now 19 and I doubt they even remember me, I was their stepmother for three years. Hell they may not remember their father. I would love to see Sarah, Rachel, and their mother Susan, but I heard she got remarried and I don't even know how to look for them. I wonder what kind of man Preston grew up to be or if Michele went to college. Then of course there is Alyssa. I remember when she was three she licked ketchup off of one french fry always dipping the same one in the ketchup. Laude's laugh, Aileens smile, Glady's Spanish.

I was part of those families. Now because those man in my life is gone, those families are gone to me. I wonder if hubby and I separate if this is the last season of football picks for me. I assume my mother-in-law will not travel with me. I am even afraid she will move back to Virginia. I don't want to lose all those memories. I don't want to lose that wedding (btw I had finally finished the gift albums of the wedding pictures to give them--how ironic)

I don't want to lose that dream. The idea of the wife who waits for her husband faithfully to return from war. They battle the odds and have a perfect baby. Where is the picket fence. Where is the husband that has not been lost to PTSD and no is so mean.

I wanted the fantasy I wanted the dream. But for now I will keep singing and clapping my hands.

Southwest Airlines will Save your life

Most of my friends and co-workers are frequent fliers. In fact, most of us can repeat the aircraft warnings, and will have our eye masks on, ear plugs in and sleeping pills swallowed before the stew can mention where the seat cushion that can be used as a flotation device is even located. That being said, today I learned a valuable lesson about putting on your own face mask before helping those around you.

Today, I took a long hot bath, with eucalyptus spearmint bubbles, a hot oil treatment for my hair, a sugar scrub for my face and a lavender body scrub. I even did my nails. It was amazing. I was so relaxed. It was the first time in a long time I just pampered myself.

I felt so good I even cooked dinner. I made chicken tortellini with vodka sauce, spinach mushroom olive salad, fresh garlic bread and strawberries with chocolate for dessert. I guess I am a great cook when I am relaxed and not rushed.

So today I learned that if I put the mask on myself--pamper myself, I can be a better mother.

Day Two

Well this blog is not totally going to be about riding my bike, but this is monumental.

I got on the bike again!! Twice!

So I went riding again. I went down a four lane street. And I realized so many things. I think they should have sold me a few extra things. I really need a big sign for my back that says BEGINNER. I would also like to have blinkers so people can tell when I am trying to turn.

I learned that from a smart friend that it is okay to walk your bike if you are wary of the trail. I walked my bike across the busy intersection. After I got across the intersection, my chain popped off and I fell into the intersection. I have a bruised shoulder, scraped knee, and two scraped palms. I broke the clip off my cell phone, but all in all I am okay.

I was a little shaken. A car stopped and asked if I was okay. I said yes. I popped the chain back on and then tried to figure out how to "get back on the horse." I got on the sidewalk, but then I tried to get back on the street and the chain popped again. I didn't cry, I thought about it, but I didn't. I went down the back roads back to the house. As I tried to cross the big street again, I realized I don't have rear view mirrors. I made it.

My fingers are numb from griping the bike or leaning on my hands or something, but I still feel exhilarated. I like riding and the "me time."

Vanity Thy Name is Woman

Kudos to the first person to correct my title. But I like it better than the original quote. And here is why. I bought a bike today!!! I am planning to learn to ride, get good, and enter some race that I don't have to run......

You see, I am trying new things. I was playing handbells, but I am convinced the bass clef bells could give me breast cancer, or a torn muscle as the mamogram proved. I have been working on tennis, but it is so hard to get into my schedule.

Back to the vanity part. Who thought that stretching lycra with enough padding for diaper for a two year old to make it through the night was going to be flattering. That much lycra belongs in a gurdle under the clothing! Two phrases: Mooseknuckle and Cameltoe. I thought it would at least hide some of the cottage cheese I like to call my thighs but no such luck!!

More on the vanity............I have a really cute helmet. However, helmet head sucks. For a woman who believes her best features are her smile and her hair basically, 50% has just been flushed down the toilet!!!

This is where I would like to add a picture. Hubby was so kind. I tried to explain what I wanted. An anonymous shot of me riding from the back. What I meant to say was "honey, please take a picture for my secret blog that you don't know about because mainly I use it to bitch about you, oh and don't show my face." What I got was some video clips that he does not know how to get out of his phone which doesn't matter because I am pretty sure I don't know how to up load it here anyway.

I only went around the four streets in my neighborhood for about 45 minutes. I was sure I needed to use those hand turn signal my. I even remember the signals from elementary school. However, I just kept thinking if I am a Southern girl who never uses a turn signal in a car, do I really need to try now especially when it involves removing my hands from one of the handle bars. This is a skill I will learn later or at least to signal when I am going to crash so I don't get hit!!

While riding up and down the torturous hills of my neighborhood, (Okay, they are not even a steep incline it is more just not-so-level-pavement) I found great fear in the brakes. Taking your foot off the gas in a car will slow you down. Not so with a bike. Plus I was terrified to use the left brake. I was so scared I would flip and do a face-plant. I KNOW my right brakes will wear out first. I just don't think a face plant will do my vanity any good.

I also learned why teenagers on cell phones driving 84 Buick Sabre's are scary. I don't think she even saw me, I had no horn, and really no control to get out of her way. I felt like a game of chicken gone way wrong.

All in all a good experience. I didn't crash...........well I put up the kick stand and the bike fell over. It scraped it up and broke a reflector. Hubby said kick stands are a piece of shit, we'll take yours off....hahahahah... I paid extra for it!

I really enjoyed the help I got picking the bike out. It is good to talk to someone who knows what they are talking about. Especially if they are a good looking guy!!

As I finished I put the bike in the garage so that it would not get stolen. I parked it right next to my roller blades that I have not used it about 4 years..............hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Two People in Love

There is a great new song about a country wedding. All the family is there and it says the catering is covered dish.

I think life is about family. This week I have discovered that family can make you tired, but really, they have to love you know matter what. I have been driving 25 miles everyday to take care of my Grandmother. She is a very wonderful woman and very gracious. All my life, my mother has said things like "don't put anything in writing you wouldn't want your Grandmother to read." or "Follow your Grandmother, she knows the right fork." (we could eat chicken with our fingers if she did) I hope to learn from my Grandmother to make the best of things the way she does and be happy.

My great-grandmother, we called Granny Duvall, her mother, was also an incredible woman. She made me a china doll. She hand fired it in her own kiln and every stitch of the dress is hand stitched. She was a very active woman and drove well into her 80s to take the old ladies in town to church! Grandmother and I have swapped the same old stories this week about her!!

Sometimes, I am accused of putting my family ahead of myself and my nuclear family. I don't know how to judge that, but I love my family. My Daddy will promise me the moon, and if he could he really would give it to me. My mother is the only person in the world that I know for sure will always love me and no matter what I do she is there.

I think the point of the song is that Two People in Love can bring the family back together, heal old wounds and begin a new family with the traditions of love.

Trust

Trust is a tricky thing. I guess most intangible feelings are.

My daughter trusts me completely. She really doesn't have a choice but to trust me. Although, she will jump off something and so completely trusts that I will catch her she doesn't even look.

Hubby trusts me to pay the bills and do the taxes. (I trust the accountant to get the taxes right.)
I trust when I flip the switch the light will come on.

The funny thing about trust is until it is tested you don't know you don't have it. You can believe you trust. You can think you trust. But until it is tested.......you don't know how strong it is.

Trust is something earned over time. I know who in my family I can trust. And they all know they can trust me.

I think I try to trust people until there is a reason not to trust them any more. I have been working on that. I want to believe that deep down people are good. I am trying so hard to trust.

My Parents trust so freely. Basically, they have only been burned a few times in their lives. I think from now on, I am going to try that. Trust more and question less.

I hope it will make me happier

What I learned while doing my taxes

Today, I decided to sweep out my garage and then clean out my refrigerator. You see, 6 months ago, I filed for an extension and swore I would have them done the next day. So here I am up to my eyeballs in receipts and checkbook registers and I decide I need to play "Where is that smell coming from?????"

Here are some things I learned while cleaning out the refrigerator:

• Yes, Mom, yogurt can go bad
• Cool Whip molds greenish black on the top, but red on the bottom. Random you say, no I tested it on two tubs
• If there are leftovers from Tuesday night's meatloaf surprise in August, don't be surprised in October they are still there
• Don't just check the date on the Velveeta cheese, if it is not open, check the year, too
• Lettuce actually gets runny after it wilts--like water
• Old broccoli gives the garbage disposal gas just like people
• Really, seriously, the arm and hammer baking soda does need to be changed often
• Toaster leavings in the butter grow green flowers
• If it is not easily identifiable, probably not good to sniff it either
• I don't like cottage cheese nearly as often as I buy it
• Believe it or not, the milk was still good!!!

Creative avoidance really is my forte. In fact, my house is never so clean as when I need to do the taxes or write an article or make a powerpoint. I like to think it is healthy to clean, not just sleeping and skipping the work, but working hard!

All in all, not a bad venture only took 30 minutes or so. Even rinsed out the vegetable drawers. In fact while I was rinsing, my accountant called. I have until Thursday morning to get the Fedex to him. I think will go clean under the stove.

What If

So this Melissa Lawson chick apparently the mother of 5 wins Nashville Star and gets her dream.

I have had so many dreams. Daddy, do you remember I wanted to be the first president of the US? I also really want to be Reba. I don't know if it just her read hair or feisty personality but add that to her great voice and BANG I am a big fan!! I remember watching her win the Grammy for "When whoever's in New England" Mom has always said I have a "nice" voice. I enjoy singing, but I won't be quitting my day job. I don't remember every saying to myself gee when I grow up I want to be a librarian......but well it is kinda cool. Now that I just work with them and don't have to listen to NPR because I am such a bad liberal, I like librarians even more!!

This is Melissa's song. I like the words. I like the idea that What if ...........

What if that road that you're taking's a dead end
What if love leaves you all jaded and broken
What if that limb breaks you're climbing out on yeah,
What if it all goes wrong

But, what if it all goes right
what if it all works out
what if the stars line up
and good luck rains down
what if you chase your dreams
and it changes your whole life
Yeah, what if it all goes right

What if that road is a beautiful slow drive
what if that love ends up lasting a life time
what if that limb holds you, oak tree strong
what if this time nothing goes wrong

Could this be the time that it all goes right for me?

My Stash

Chocolate is a very important food group for me. I sometimes go off chocolate the way some people go off caffeine or sugar or carbs. I can do it. I mean I don't have to have it. I can give it up any time I want. I don't have to have it.

Okay that is such a big lie. I can go for days, but well I would never be able to go totally without chocolate. I have given it up for 46 days for Lent. BUT I love chocolate. I have researched chocolate, but I am not one of those chocolate snobs. I don't dig the dark and look for the higher percentages but I do know what most of the markings on the tops of the candies mean.

I like fruit covered chocolate, too. I love chocolate covered strawberries. Mmmm I love orange chocolate, too.

For years, I have kept a stash of chocolate in my night stand. Usually, I have a back-up stash in my undie drawer just in case.

Tonight, I am out. OUT. NO CHOCOLATE IN THE HOUSE ANYWHERE. OUT OUT!!!!

My undie stash disappeared a long time ago. I didn't want to put it in the new dresser. My night stand stash, well once my daughter found out, she would ask for it. She says it with an accent the middle syllable. Mommy, I want choCOlate. please.......... I can never tell her no.

I had a box of my favs, whitman's sampler, but I finished it this morning. I just went downstairs and there is nothing...nothing...no chocolate anywhere. Not even any chocolate chips frozen in the fridge.

I don't know if this is worth a midnight run to the store, but I am seriously considering it.

********UPDATE********
All chocoholics must go and try the new Market Street mini eclairs in the frozen foods at Wal-Mart. If you can eat them frozen, your stash is automatically protected and believe me VERY worth it!!

As Good As It Gets

Jack Nicholson is not one of my favorite actors. In fact, he really creeps me out. I don't like this movie. I get the shivers thinking of Helen Hunt sleeping with Jack Nicholson ewwww.

But this movie is good. It has a message. What if this is as good as it gets? What if this really is all that there is?

How do we

My favorite poem

My freshman year in college, I had to read a "chorepoem" by Ntozake Shange. I am not really into poetry or how to analyze or do expositions or whatever, but I always liked part of this one.

Maybe, it was because it was the first time I ever saw cuss words in writing. Maybe it was because I got to say them out loud. Maybe it was because I got to talk about them and it was officially okay. I don't know, but the poem has stuck with me. It is called "For Colored Girls Who have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf"

Like I said, I don't really know how to analyze it. Obviously, I am not "Colored" but I am a woman and somehow even though I know I don't understand what she is writing, it always speaks to me.

My favorite part is the lady in green discussing "somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff"
It is written in all lower case with no punctuation except for slashes at the end of sentences. Here are my favorite sentences:

• i gotta have to give to my choice/without you running off wit alla my shit
• stealin my shit from me/dont make it yrs/makes it stolen
• waz a lover/i made too much room for/
• & i'm shoutin this is mine/&he dont know he got it
• if it's really my stuff/ya gotta give it to me/if ya really want it/i'm the only one/can handle it

I think somehow I always give men too much power over me. I let them hurt my heart. I think I will trust just one more time. And then they try to walk away wid alla my stuff. Even though this poem hurts, I think I have to learn not to let someone have alla my stuff. Not let someone take my shit.

Play-Doh

I have never been one to mix my play-doh colors. I always opened one can at a time. I would finish then put it back in the can and get out another one. I saw the commercials. I knew if I would mix them I could have better looking dogs or cookies or whatever, but I refused to mix. I also wanted my projects to be the right colors. Clouds blue. Grass green. I was soooooooo OCD!!

My Grandmother had a giant can, like the size of Crisco, of red play-doh. I didn't have to worry about the mixing of colors. She had a little bench with two shelves. We pretended the bottom shelf was the oven. My Grandmother was always a good sport and "ate" our creations.

I guess I should not have been surprised when my daughter's teacher told me she loves play-doh. Naturally, the next time I was at Toy's R Us, I found a big canister with 20 colors and all kinds of shape cutters and most importantly, the fun factory!!! She LOVES play-doh. We play almost everyday. She loves the shapes, she loves to squish, she loves to take the spaghetti and put it on her head for hair. The loves the feel of the coolness of the play-doh against her cheek. She likes the smell of it and I haven't seen her do it, but I am sure she loves the taste!!

My daughter has so much fun. And it is so carefree. She can make a pink dolphin. She can make a green cupcake. She can roll out snakes or make spiders with a million legs. She has purple hot dogs with green buns--which requires mixing colors. I actually made a gingerbread man with a pink head, a green body and brown legs.......I thought hubby and my M in Law would faint when they realized I mixed colors.

My daughter is teaching me so much!!! I think she has taught me how to be more carefree and enjoy the freedom of mixing play-doh in life.

Summertime!!

Today it was not hot!! I was so surprised and I realized that summer has gone. I have now lived through 40 Texas summers. I won't lie, the heat is unbelievable, but being a Texan is worth it. I know right now the Yankees are having Autumn and beautiful leaves. We still have 90 degrees. They have four distinct seasons.... we have three....hot, hotter, hottest.

I have so many great summer memories. When I was a kid, we went camping every summer. We went to so many places, and some how, it was always dark and raining when we huddled in the car watching Mom and Dad put up the tent. I learned all the cuss words I needed watching them put up the tent. We stayed in state parks all over the country. Of course, I was not allowed to wash my hair in the cold water only showers. So every few days we went to a truck stop and Mom would pay for me to use the trucker's showers!!

I also remember all the times at the local pool. My older sister always put my hair in two braids with vaseline on the tips to protect my hair from the chlorine. We would stay all day. I loved eating a Zero bar with the white chocolate. I love the smell of those bars and Hawaiian Tropic. We always went across town to the McDonald pool instead of the Vanston.

I always went to summer camp, too. Why is it that the cabins are always at the bottom of the hill and the cafeteria at the top of the hill? I felt like I would die before I got to the top every meal. A few years when it was particularly hot, they would line us all up to take our temperatures and get salt pills. I remember Jimmy leaving from heat stroke at church camp.

Then there were the summers at our house. Because of my back problems, the pool was a tax write off for my parents. We layed out with Crisco on tin foil to get tanned. I think the first summer we spent closed to 20 hours in the pool a day. We would come inside and make homemade snow cones by crushing ice and putting Kool-Aid on them. My sisters and I made up so many games in the pool.

With all those great memories, I think this year has been the best. This year I have gotten to watch my daughter learn so much about summer. She loves the water. She loves to splash and experiment. Last year, she floated in the pool, but this year, I got to watch her play naked with her best friend running through the Dora Sprinkler. They would not get out of the sprinkler until they were both blue and completely shaking. We took her to the Dallas Aquarium. The fish were okay, but the fountain..........she ran and played. Then we ate snow cones. She had blue syrup everywhere. She loves to play. She planted vinca in pots in the front yard and she loves to go outside and water them because they are "thirsty"

Today, as one of the last days of summer, we played with the hose and sprinkler. She watered the plants. She was soooo cold soaking wet..........she would not come in!! Finally, she picked up her watering can that I had just emptied. She tried to pour out water and when nothing came out she looked inside the watering can. That memory is something I want in my mind's picture forever. I want to remember that curiosity. That look on her face. The way her wet hair plastered to her face but still curled. The sunshine coming from behind her lighting up her profile. This will be my favorite memory until next year!!

The Well

I climbed into the bucket
to go down the well
I wanted some water

The well calls to me

I lower myself down
hand over hand
the rope is rough

The well calls to me

I get colder
it seems darker
The light is further away

The well calls to me

I go down deeper
where is the water
I am thirsty

The well calls to me

Just one small sip
I need some water
The cool water will soothe me

The well calls to me

I keep going lower
it is so dark
I cannot see out

The well calls to me

The rope burns my skin
my hands are tearing
I cling to the rope

The well calls to me

Should I keep going
Should I hold on
How far down is the water

The well calls to me

I shout out
No one can hear me
and still no water

The well calls to me

I let go of the rope
I begin to fall
at last I have found the water

The well calls to me

I have no rope
I cannot stop
the water envelopes me

The well calls to me

I am cold
it is dark
I start to be calm

The well calls to me

I am under the water
I cannot see
I cannot feel

The well calls to me

I do not have the strength
to swim back up
I just want the peace

The well calls to me

Open a New Window

So, how did I name this blog what's the deal-ie-o!

In high school I was in the chorus in the musical Mame. I didn't have a named part or speaking role, but I had the most fun of my life!!!! I met a guy and fell in love.......................well in love for someone in high school!!

But truly the words to the musical or maybe just the idea of Mame have stuck with me since. The song "Open a New Window" is how I want to live my life. I want to look for the extra. I want to experience the more. I know you can't make the bubbles stay, you have to make new ones.

Mom has a plaque on her wall, well I don't know if she still has it since they have moved, but it says:
Whenever God closes a door he opens a window.

I think something like that anyway. I guess my point is that there has got to be more than one way to do something and there is always hope.

Lately, my life has been well topsy-turvy. But I am learning to find new ways to be happy. I am opening my mind to possibilities that I can be happy, just not the American Dream way.

Mame was a Yankee that learned how to make the Southerners like her. I want to be able to use my own laughter and enthusiasm to charm others and help spread happiness, too. She made the cotton easy to pick. And according to my Grandmother that is no small feat!!

I want to Give the World's Mint Julep a Kick!! I want to travel a new highway and Open a new window EVERYDAY!!!!!

Runaway

When I was a kid, I ran away from home a lot. The funny thing is, no one ever noticed. I guess I was too sneaky. Or maybe it was that I gave up too soon. I remember once, I ran away and it was snowing. Not really a good idea when you are from Texas. I put on my only pair of boots at the time which had high heels and took off in the biggest drifts I had seen in my life. We don't get a lot of snow, so I wasn't really gone very long. Like I said, no one noticed.

I often would take off and then realize I didn't have a plan. Where do you go when you are 13? How do you get a job, a car, a place to live. I didn't really know about bills back then, so I wasn't too worried about money. But I really worried about sleeping.

There was one park I ran away to probably more than anywhere else. It is still there. I would go and sit on the swings and swing as high as I could. I would jump out and then lay in the grass and look at the clouds. I wanted to be anywhere but where I was. I would dream of being rich, or famous. Probably famous the most. I always wanted to be famous.

I did not have a bad childhood. My parents are both great. I love them both and I am very close to them. I think all the good parts of me come from them. I love my sisters. I mean really I have nothing to complain about. We weren't wealthy, but we never went hungry. We were always clean. My parents are kind and loving. I was just always miserable. I never fit in. I was always almost cool or pretty or whatever it was the other kids were. I just wasn't.

I wanted to run away last week. In fact I did. Funny, no one noticed!! I went home because of my daughter. I would never ever ever really leave her. I know that the want to escape and run away is a symptom of verbally abused women. I would never leave my daughter here alone without me to help her. I love her so much. If I ever really ran away I would take her with me.

I was so lucky to have someone talk me out of running away. Tell me to go home. To notice. I am very grateful for that.

Once, when I ran away I was walking down a busy street across from a cemetery. It is really close to the park I always ran to. There is a bridge on that street. I stood up on the railing and a car passed that honked. Some teenagers yelled at me "jump!" I thought about it. But it looked like I might live through it and it would really hurt if I did!!

Today, my pastor told me about someone close to him who committed suicide. I actually never met her, but we worked at the same place, so I knew of her. He told me how she was an atheist. He told me how sad it made him when she said she was in such agony that suicide would be a release from her pain. He had no idea how I wanted that release from pain for so long. He didn't realize he was even ministering to me and my pain. However, I don't believe there is nothing when we are gone the way this woman does. I believe in Heaven. So I think I am not scared of death. I want to have the pain stop. But I also took on a responsibility as a mother. I can not leave her with a mother who killed herself.

I think I am doing so much better. It has been a year. Well October 27th is one year since I found out. I still want to runaway. But I am still here.

Who Are You?

After my last post, I got to thinking, who do I identify with in pop culture and why.

From the tv show Friends, my all time favorite show, that I still quote, many people have called me Phoebe. I think because of my free spirit. No one has ever called me a Rachel. I don't really know why? But if you really know me deep down, I AM Monica. Everything has a place and belongs in that place. In one episode she argues with herself about picking up a pair of shoes and then getting up early to put them back so everyone will think she is capable of being kooky. I have had that argument in my head!! Sometimes I would scare myself watching her and knowing I had done the EXACT SAME THING!!!

Gilligan's Island
Well the obvious choices are Ginger or Marianne. I am usually thought of as Marianne. In fact, I wanted my last wedding to be a theme wedding out at Sneaky Pete's where everyone dressed up as their favorite Gilligan's Island character. I hit a snag because I see myself more as a Gilligan. I am a goofball and my decisions usually cause me more trouble than I thought they would.

I Love Lucy
Another favorite of mine. Of course I am Lucy. In fact for one brief summer, after the divorce, I was a red head! I should also throw Carol Burnett in here. Both are total nutjobs and hilarious with hilarious schemes. That is totally me. I don't make a good red head, but I have loved several red heads. Red headed men are sexy in their own ways!!

Desperate Housewives
I took an online test for this one. I was Gabby. Okay NO FRICKIN WAY!!! I am not a Gabby. I dream of someday being a Bree, but that may just be the red head thing again. Honestly, I am a Susan. I have burnt macaroni and cheese even worse I started a fire making iced tea. Susan locked herself out of her house in the nude, but I locked myself out of a hotel room in a towel. Secretly, though, don't we all want to be Edie?

Soaps
All My Children--Erica Kane is my hero!!! I would love to be her. She does what she wants and always always gets her man. She is strong, but always beautiful. Beth Elhers (Harley Davidson Cooper on GL and Taylor on AMC) she rocks!!Harley carried a gun and still made lunches for the boys. I also want to kick ass like Greenlee Smythe and kiss Ryan Lavery!!!

Boston Legal
I want to be James Spader. I mean the only chick on the show is Candice Bergen. James Spader gets to say all those things we all wish we could, he is smart and wealthy. Maybe I could be Denny Crane, but James Spader gets more chicks.

And Finally, Emily Proctor from CSI: Miami. I love her. She is smart, fearless, and has impeccable morals. All the while she has great teeth!!!

Okay, my tv watching is boring. So let me know who you would be or who you think you are and why????

Wicked

I have been reading the book Wicked. I take it with me places, and total strangers stop me to say how much they loved the book. So many people have told me to go see the musical. I have been compared to characters in the musical.

I just don't get the book. I am almost through. I am on page 383. I don't see how this could possibly be a musical. I guess I am not high brow enough in my literature. I love Janet Evanovich and this book has yet to even make me smile. It is so sad. Maybe, I really don't understand. So far, there are not words that I don't technically know the definition, but it seems they are used in ways I don't understand. It's like reading science fiction, which I have a very hard time with, too!

I do identify with certain parts of the book. Elphalba, the Wicked Witch of the West, feels like an outcast because of her skin color. In school, I always felt on the outside looking in at the popular girls. They all knew me, just like her, but I was not one of them. I wasn't green, but I still felt like an outcast. I also understand the sibling rivalry. Although, I feel like my sister was more of a Glinda then a Nessarosa. I wonder what she would think?

I think so far, my favorite part of the book is her affair with a married man. She lets her guard down and for the only time in her life feels true love. He has a pet name for her (Fae). The first time she is tender in the book. His skin is covered in tattoos and she adores their differences. The book describes their passion, at first so hot then so beautiful. Even though Elphie, is hard and decisive and dedicated to her mission, she is changed by her affair. His love touches her. She allows him to cherish her and she is protective of him. I am not sure how she would have changed if he had not died. She closes herself off again. After his death, she spends years seeking forgiveness from his widow.

I don't really understand her ability to make a decision-to her the most moral decision and never waiver. She does not waiver even when she thinks she might have made mistakes. I don't seem to have that kind of self discipline. I always second guess myself and change my mind tons of times. Her choices lead her down a path and divided her from her family. I hope I don't make choices that lead me away from my family!

I think I will finish the book. I plan to read Son of a Witch, too. I want to go see the musical. I want to see how this can come to life. I don't know if I will ever give the rave reviews everyone else seems to give, but I have not finished the book to decide.

Quote of the Day

It is better to want what you don't have than to have what you don't want.
--Denny Crane

The Blame Game--You Almost Cut Off My Finger

I think it is human nature not to want to take blame. I remember the Family Circus cartoon had a little ghost character that was called "Not Me" Anytime there was mud on the floor or a door left open or something broken, the kids would all say "Not Me" And the next frame would show the ghost with muddy feet holding the broken lamp.

Whenever I had a problem, Mom and Dad always told me to look at my responsibility. "What's your part in this?" Even when I was sure it was someone else's fault completely, they never let me off the hook without looking at how I contributed to the problem and what I could do to solve it.

I don't mind looking at what I did and correcting it. I like to learn my lessons and NOT do the same thing again. I think we all look at something we have just done and say that was stupid why did I do that!

Now I am not saying it wasn't me. I am just saying all of us drink yogurt at the house. My daughter can drink four of them in less than half an hour. We recycle the little plastic bottles and the foil lids. We rinse them first. I guess one of the foil lids went down the garbage disposal. It could have been me or maybe it was "Not Me"

Honestly, I don't feel like looking at my part in this. It is a freaking lid and I will continue to try not to put them down the disposal. So the fact that Hubby believes I am responsible for almost cutting off his finger, because he put his hand down there, while the disposal was still on, to grab a foil lid, that I may or may not have accidentally dropped down the drain, while trying to recycle, to save the planet well all I can say is NOT ME!!

Remember the Alamo

I have been in San Antonio for the past three days. San Antonio is a beautiful city. I love visiting. I love to walk around, see the sites and eat the Mexican Food. As a former Texas History Teacher, I love all the historical sites in San Antonio. I also love driving by Sandra Cisnesros House. I have a picture there from when I was much younger!! I needed to go see some clients. I visited three. I wish the work part of the trip had been a little more profitable. But, I am laying groundwork for 2010 for sure!!

The "me" part of the trip was wonderful!!! I went on the Riverwalk. I got lost, of course, but I just didn't mind it. Had a great meal. I even had strawberries in my room. I took a bubble bath with a new scent called Orange Patchulli or however you spell that and pumpkin spice candles from Bath and Bodyworks. The combination of scents with the comfort of the warm bath was absolute heaven. There was lots and lots of Carrie pampering and a massage was involved!! I recommend the Hotel Contessa. In fact, I do not have one complaint (try not to fall over if you have read my entry on hotels)

I came back feeling at peace and rested. I felt like I just needed to get away and Remember Me! I needed to know who I am and forget about the unhappiness in my life. I feel so lucky I have a job that allows me or rather expects me to meet with clients and I can take some time to refresh my soul.

My souls feels so much happier after this trip. I feel so much peace. I can't seem to quit smiling.

The one thing I can't believe about this trip is I did NOT go to the Alamo. I think the Alamo and the outside market are reasons 2 and 3 that most people go to San Antonio, right? Okay, I was entertained enough not to turn on the TV which is also strange, but I had so much filling my time and just making me smile, that I forgot to

Remember the Alamo

My Bubble Bath Alone

I have not been feeling well. I decided that the achiness in my bones my be soothed by a long hot bubble bath. I have a great big jacuzzi bathtub (one of the main selling points of my house). I think I own every scent ever made by Bath and Bodyworks. I have scrubs and oils and soaps and I haven't had a bubble bath in THREE years. Those of you doing the math, my daughter is not yet three, but I wasn't allowed to take them while I was pregnant!

Tonight, we did not do dishes so I knew there would be hot water. I snuck upstairs to keep my daughter from seeing me disappear. I think it took about 20 minutes to get all the toys out of the tub and the bath paint of the wall and the little froggies of the floor of the tub. I got the bath water perfect. I chose the lavender vanilla for relaxation. I started to soak. I turned on the jets and relaxed deep into the bubbles.

That's when to door opened. She had already taken off her diaper and wanted a bath with Mommie!!! Soon, it was not just me and her, it was me and Little Mermaid and Cinderella and Flounder and Foam letters and swimming, squirting dolphins and a boat and the pink duckie and the yellow duckie and the Hulk doll with action arms and Mr. Bubble and Cookie Monster and two Elmos and Erinie and Tinker Bell and Lightening McQueen (Hailey only approves of NASCAR not Indy car (Mommie doesn't know the difference)) and Sally and Princess Barbie and the Castle and the floatie mirror and the ninja turtles and two floating books and last but not least a bright yellow sword.

Daddy wouldn't fit in the tub, so he sat on the side. She decided I was to "play" Little Mermaid, she was to "play"April O'Neil and Daddy was the Monster from Ben 10. April has swords that she loves to pretend stab with. The Monster kept trying to hit Little Mermaid or Mommie and She put a BIG stop to that with"Don't hit MY Mommie!!"

We played who could keep the Foam letter stuck to their forehead the longest. Then we started the drinking. She likes to drink water from every toy. They all pour different, so they all must be tested, sometimes she tests the ones she likes more than once. Then each of us had to test the toy for drinking. If we didn't do it right, she would instruct us on the right way to drink it.

Then Daddy got his hair washed three times!!! He was sitting on the floor watching us. He leaned his head in and she poured water on it. So then she asked for soap. Of course, I gave it to her. She poured more water, asked for more soap, poured more water, asked for more soap. All in all his shirt got soaked, but it is probably the best hair wash he has had in a month (hahaha)

I love to watch her bathe. She is so funny. She talks to the toys, she invents ways to play with the toys. Things I would never think of, for example, the boat for Cinderella looks like a cat dish and she fills it with water that we all must drink out by lapping like kittens with milk. I don't really know how clean she gets. I wash parts in between playing. Sometimes, I feel I come out less clean than I went in because the bathtub paints seem to stain my skin when she draws on me.

I hope I always remember these days. I know someday she will be too old to take a bath with. I know someday when she stands up the water won't still come up to her thighs. She won't always be able to lean back in my arms and practice floating in the water.

Some day when I finally get another bath alone I am afraid I will sit and cry at the fact that instead of a family bubble bath, it really will be just my bubble bath alone.

Random Thoughts Keeping Me Awake

In No Particular Order:

• My daughter is amazing! Yesterday at gymnastics they got to play with a parachute. At the end, all the mom's held the chute and the kids were underneath. Her eyes were sparkling. Everyone in the whole gym could hear her squealing with laughter. All the other kids started to laugh and get excited like her. They were so happy!! It looked like Christmas morning.
• If I have another daughter I think I will name her Noelle. I love that hymn and I can tell Mom the N is for Nancy
• I am going to San Antonio next week, what am I going to pack?? I am too excited about going!!!
• I have over 700 emails in my inbox. Everytime I respond to one, I get three more.
• My dehydration and volume depletion seem to be better. I wonder if I can keep it from coming back
• How can my weight vary 7-8 pounds in one day!!!!
• I can't decide if I should go get a manicure or do it myself on Sunday--everybody knows I won't see a client without one!!

The Comeback Kid

Growing up I attended a church with a very strong youth choir. I could not wait to be old enough to join. They toured the country every year performing Jesus Christ Superstar and Godspell. I toured with them for six years. I don't think I will ever forget a single line, word, note or dance from either show.

Most of what I know about Jesus and even the bible, although I am a preacher's kid, came from these two shows. There was one thing I always found amazing about Jesus, he was the Comeback Kid! He always knew what to say.

In middle school, we called teasing each other "put downs" or "cut downs" and then when you answered back it was a "comeback." All the cool kids new the latest cut downs and how to respond to them. For me it was always like this:

Cool Kid: "you're ugly and you're mama dresses you funny"
Me: uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh waaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Well, I didn't always cry but inside I think I did. I never knew what to say. Sometimes I would figure it out an hour later. Jesus always did! He would tell those people exactly the right thing to shut them up or prove them wrong. I tended to view him as harsh because there is not a lot of tenderness in JCSS. But I know he also knew what to say to comfort people. Even before the big bracelet WWJD thing happened, I would ask myself "What would Jesus say?" I always wanted to have a good "comeback" (I don't think that is really what the bracelets are about!)

When I taught middle school for 8 years. The kids would come to me and say. He said my mama was fat. I would always say "is it true? Then who cares?" A little risky, but I did stop a few fights.

Lately, I have been tons of self-help books. It seems that if I just had the right "comeback" I could have changed my marriage. If I just had not said what I felt and tried to say the right words in the right order at the right time the verbal abuse would magically stop. If I just change my patterns, my hubby has to change his. It seems so easy when I read the books. If he discounts my feelings just say this yadayada If he yells just walk out of the room. Go get hobbies become more interesting have other friends. Okay, but life just really isn't that black and white. Sometimes he apologizes. And the book doesn't say what to do then!

I wish I could think on my feet under pressure the way Jesus did. I wish I knew how and when to say the right things. I wish I could be a Comeback Kid.

Denise Walker

Did you ever play that game where you find out what your name would be if you were soap opera star or a country western singer or a porn star? Here's how you play:

Country Singer:
Your middle name: Denise
Your mother's maiden name: Walker

Porn Star:
First pet: Fifi (a hamster I loved, although not my first pet)
Street you live on: Loving (when I played this I live on Marvin Loving Drive)

I think there are tons of variations on the game. Rock Star instead of Country or City instead of street.

I like my Country Star name. I think I will use it if I am ever famous. My mother's Dad was a musician. We called him DadDad. He went to the war in the Colonel's Band. He played all the instruments, but was best with woodwinds. His instrument was the picolo. He was such a fun loving guy!! Very talented and smart. But I always knew him as funny and generous.

I did not know my Grandmother Betty. She died when I was very young of ALS (Lou Gerhig's disease). Apparently, this is a woman I want to emulate. She was strong. She was the first woman to own her own business in HER name not her husbands's in her county. When she was diagnosed with ALS, she knew she would die. They moved to Houston, so she could participate in all kinds of testing. She wanted to help save others because she knew it was too late for her. What a great woman.

Another thing that makes Grandmother Betty great in my book is, well, her ability to kick a$$ and take names. What I mean is this. In all the stories she is such a perfect mannered lady. Has her hanky, doesn't raise her voice, knows which fork and when to eat with your fingers. But she set my DadDad straight. They didn't have "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" back then. They had free booze at the American Legion. DadDad was a drunk. Grandmother Betty refused to let him be one. She fought with him, for him, against him, about him, whatever it took. She made him go to school and become the Top Band Director in the State of Texas.

I know I have this Walker strength in me. My cousin just had a baby girl and we talk about raising our two Walker girls together. They will be strong and smart and beautiful and Walkers. I know I can stand up to PTSD and win just like my Grandmother Betty. Because I am Carrie Denise Walker.

Maybe It Needs Batteries

I have learneds so much from my daughter. I think two year olds have a fasinating view of life and can teach us so much if we pay attention. Here are some things I have learned recently.
1. Take a harmonica to bed with you--Barbie likes music after dark.
2. There IS a difference between CANDY and CHOCOLATE--well duh!
3. Everything you say can and will be repeated against you.
4. A toddler may smell different from a newborn, but they still are wonderful to snuggle with.
5. Wearing high heels even makes a toddlers calves look so good we should go show the neighbors.
6. Playing outside will cure anything, especially if the water hose is on!
7. While using goggles, you can see bears.
8. Anything that is broken, just might need batteries. For example, if the faucet in the upstairs bathroom won't turn on, "maybe it needs batteries"

One year ago,today, on Labor Day, a co-worker of hubby's got very drunk at a work party. Because of my policy against drinking and driving we brought her to our house. They sat on the back porch and continued to drink and smoke while I went inside and tidied up the guest bathroom, put fresh sheets on the guest bed, and laid out clean towels. I went out and talked with my guest who was feeling down because she felt there was no God and if there was he did not love her. I told her there was nothing she could do to keep God from loving her and invited her to my church because it is different. I was sure she could find God's love.
The next week she slept with my husband and broke my heart.
Maybe It Needs Batteries.

The Shun Words

Somebody come and play
Somebody come and play today
Somebody come and smile the smiles
And sing the songs
It won't take long
Somebody come and play today

Here are the rules to my new game:

1. The words must be real--OED is the final authority
2. The words must end in some form of tion, ion, sion, -ya know rhyme
3. The words must be words not phrases-- for example relaxation works but not "need relaxation"
4. The words must descibe exactly how you feel at the moment
   

exhaustion
dehydration
aggrevation
frustration
humiliation
depletion
confusion
reprobation
remonstrationnegation
invalidation
inconsideration
devestation
exasperation
intimidation
castigation
indignagtion
infliction
condemnation
intention
interrogation
irritation
condescension
correction
isolation
domination
victimization
aversion

Sugarland Take Me As I Am

I am totally into this new Sugarland Album. Dang she can sing!!!

I have two dream jobs, one is to sing country music, the other is to write novels. Obviously, I am keeping my day job!!!

Here are the lyrics to the song I heard today by Sugarland that remind me of me:

If you want it Come and get it
But understand
You take me as I am
Slow too trust but I'm quick too love
I push too hard and I give too much
I ain't sayin' I'm perfect but I promise I'm worth it

I think my Daddy would agree with all of that. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve and look for the good in everyone. If you earn my trust you will always have it. I am a perfectionist and I believe everyone should work as hard as I am willing to work myself. But, I will go above and beyond for anyone, even strangers.

This past fall, Daddy said to me he had always believed that everyone deep inside them had some redeeming qualities, but now as he has gotten older, he is not so sure. I hope he will change his mind back. He has always taught me to take responsibility for my actions and to look at my part. Of course, he probably never thought he would tell me that this was totally someone else's fault. I am a Daddy's girl and don't tell my sisters, but I am his favorite.

My Great Aunt was teasing me just last week. She asked me if I still thought I was my Daddy's favorite. I told her yes without even thinking.

Do I just have STUPID written on my forehead???

Here's how the typical travel day goes for me:

I am always running late. I can start 6 hours early and I will still be late. I panic all the way to the airport remembering all the things I forgot.....dress shirt, toothbrush, pantyhose....

I get to the airport. I usually have some reason why they have to scan me.....lady is that metal in your bra? Why yes, it is, please feel me up............

Then I sit and wait. It does not matter where I am going or why there is always a plane delay. I have flown to Atlanta and Houston during hurricanes. Today, in Dallas TEXAS where it is like a million degrees and SUMMER the plane was broken because of the anti-de-icing button. Seriously folks!!

Today's rental car experience was actually painless, thank you Alamo, I am now your customer for life. But usually it involves something like all the cars are gone and even though you have a reservation all we have is either a 12 passenger van or a moped. Unless of course you want to upgrade to a car.

Then finding the hotel. If the cabbie doesn't get lost or almost kill me; (Once we had to stop on the road because there was a wreck and the cabbie was an EMT and had to stop legally and render aid. ) I will invariably get lost in the rental car. I even print out maps. Today, the map said take highway 96, but it was actually 94....Thank God the sun was still up and I could tell East from West.

I finally get to the hotel. And they stick me in the room next to the pool. I can hear the kids through the wall. Now depending on how well you know me, you know I never take the first room. Sometimes it is my fault and sometimes it is low blood sugar and sometimes.....they just like to screw with me!! So I go back to the desk and I can quote every single hotel person. "We only have one room left." RIGHT. Tonight, I just looked him straight in the eye and said don't give me the F^%(&%^ing handicap room. Why? every time Why??? Do I look like I need monkey bars in the bathroom?????? I have let them give me that room before and then the next night had to move because someone who needed the room checked in!! I just want a nice normal room, with hot water, no ceiling tiles falling on my head, not next to the construction, not next to the elevator or ice machine, without a wet towel and broken refrigerator, or a twin bed. These are just a few examples of what hotel clerks think is funny. Oh yea, preferrably on the no smoking side!! But they only have one room left............

I guess I just have STUPID written on my forehead!

How Long Does Trust Really Take

When I was a kid and I did something "wrong" my mom didn't spank me or ground me. I got the "talk." My sisters and I can still quote the ending: "It's going to take a long time to rebuild my trust."



It has been 11 months and 4 days. All the therapists say it could take 2 or 3 years to rebuild the trust. In the meantime, I have been working on myself.

• I learned to play hand bells


• I am taking tennis lessons


• I go to the gym 3-5 times a week


• I started singing again (in public even)


• I am learning yoga


• I am reconnecting with old friends


• I have been travelling for work and not been quite as uptight as usual

Today I had a good day. No, I had a GREAT day. I had an amazing afternoon and then almost one my tennis match. It was very close with 5-7. I get home feeling pretty good.

And then with just a few unnecessary words from him, I find myself in a puddle of tears in the bottom of my shower. The despair just seems to take over. And the shower is no place to build self-esteem--seeing oneself naked and blubbery fat , eyes swollen from crying body shaking from the heaves.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get over this. I wonder if the pain will ever go away. I wonder if I will ever trust another human again.

Why?? Nevermind

Curiosity killed the cat.



I know it has certainly gotten me in trouble. I always want to know.

When I was a kid my little sister would tease me. She would start to say something and then say "Nevermind" She knew it would drive me crazy. Sometimes, I doubt she even had anything to say, she just knew it would make me lose my mind for an hour or so!

I am still guilty of the want to know everything. I love to hear gossip and watch soaps to get my fix. Maybe it is human nature to want to know more. To find out where an ex lover lives or see pictures of stars without make-up.

Sometimes though, it might be better to not be curious. Sometimes it can really slap you in the face. Knock the wind out of you. Like when I find out what a co-worker really thinks of me. Or finding condoms in my husband's backpack.........oh
Nevermind!

Terror in the Night

I have always loved my house. It is small--cozy. I think it is cute and I like the layout and LOVE my bathtub. That is until I had a baby. The master bedroom is upstairs and the other two rooms are downstairs at the front of the house. I am so afraid that someone will come in the window or we will have a drive by shooting. I kept my daughter upstairs in a bassinet and then a crib for almost her first two years because well babies look sweet when they sleep but I was also afraid to have her in the front room.

Last night the power went out. Then I heard shouting outside. I was terrified. I thought someone had cut our lines and was coming in to get us. I don't know what they would find of value but nevertheless I was scared. I kept hearing noises. I woke hubby up so he could search the house. He was so out of it. He told me to set the alarm. He said is the dog barking? (this was sensible because the dog was sleeping and thought I was crazy) Then he asked me to scratch his back (hubby not the dog) and he went back to sleep. I was so scared!!!

I tried to go to sleep thinking he would protect me. Then the true terror. We were safe upstairs, but the BABY!!! So I went downstairs carrying my cell phone and charger to call for help. I checked her sweet little face, put her blanket over her. I set the alarm. But the whole time, I was hearing a strange noise. I felt like someone was following me in the house.

During the day I do not believe in ghosts. At night I believe in ghosts, vampires, bogarts, poltergeists--all of it any of it. I began to narrow down the noise. It was right by me in the kitchen. I realized it was in the cabinet. I grabbed the broom and something brushed my leg. I opened the cabinet doors with the broom. I did not see anything -- again something brushed my leg. I was so sure a ghost had flown out of the cabinet and was grabbing me by the leg.

I looked down, and there was my cell phone charger. The cord had been brushing my leg and dragging on the floor making noise. I have to laugh at myself, but I still thought what if the ghost had made the cord move????